JOKES
English
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
40585 = 4! + 0! +5! + 8! + 5!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW ODD...
Today,
NEW MATH - ADDITIONS:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profits
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
Woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she doesn't
need.
Woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
Man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.
Successful man makes more money than his wife can
spend.
Successful woman is one who finds such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and
understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate overnight.
Woman marries a man expecting he will change, he
doesn't.
Man marries a woman expecting she won't change, she
does.
Married men live longer than single men; however, they
are also more willing to die.
Married men should forget about their mistakes.
No point in two people remembering the same thing.
Woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
new argument.
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words
in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one
magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and
hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It
can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive
(Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a
passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking
interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be
used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm
late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is
easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with
the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual
connotations, this incredible word can be used to
describe many situations:
1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking
business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be
happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on
here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck,
anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do
that?"
23. It can be used in an anatomical description-
"He's a fucking asshole."
24. It can be used to tell time- "It's five
fucking thirty."
25. It can be used in business- "How did I wind
up with this fucking job?"
26. It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH
IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING EADY
LOOSLEY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE
END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS
WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST
OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN
SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE
FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING
FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.
WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY,
FROTHY, WHITE STICKY SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER
SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER
EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING,
IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY YET FORANOTHER BIT OF
ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT
OFTEN MUCH LESS.
WHAT AM I???????
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE
RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........
TOOTHBRUSH.........
what were you thinking?
You PERVERT!
send this message to ten of your most perverted
friends or else...
This is the letter:
You must send this on in 3 hours after reading the
letter to 10 people.
If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good
luck in love. The person that you are
most attracted to will soon return your feelings. If
you do not, bad luck will rear it's ugly head at you.
You MUST send this on or face dreadfully bad luck.
GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subject: WIFE 1.0 Software Alert!!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing
that took up
a lot of space and Valuable resources. No mention of
this was included
with the product information.
In addition Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs
and now launches during system initialization, where it
monitors all
other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys
Night 2.5,
Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to
keep Wife 1.0
in the background while attempting to run my favorite
applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but
the uninstall
doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please Help!!!!!!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
REPLY: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
It is due to
a primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade
from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely
an Utilities and
Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its
creator to run
everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0
and return to
Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause
Girlfriend 7.0
to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the
program files from
the system once installed. You cannot go back to
Girlfriend 7.0 because
Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have
tried to Girlfriend 8.0
or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the
original system.
Look In your Wife 1.0 manual under, "Warnings-
Alimony/Child Support".
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on
improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application Yes
Dear to alleviate
software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0
myself, I also suggest
that you read the entire section regarding,
"General Partnership Faults
(GPF's)". You must assume all responsibility for
any faults and problems
that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also
find that GPF's are
cyclical.
The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE.
Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately
you will have
to Give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will
return to normal
anyway.
Remember the system will run smoothly as long as you
take the blame
for All GPF's.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to be very high
maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as
Clean and Sweep 3.0 ,
Cook-it 1.5 (which replaces Burn-It 1.0) and, Do-Bills
4.2.
You must however be very careful how you use these
programs. Improper
use will cause the system to launch the program
NagYourAss 9.5. Once
this happens the only way to improve the performance
of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1
and Diamonds 5.0
should this happen.
!!!!!WARNING!!!!!
DO NOT under any circumstances, install
Secretary-With-Short-Skirt.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will
cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
The following is an article which accurately descibes
the influence of the
Hellenic language upon all that we say (or do) in this
world of ours.
Please pass it on to others. If you subtract the
Hellenic root words you
have almost nothing except for a few words that do not
make any sense.
THE SIGNIFICANCE AND INFLUENCE OF THE HELLENIC
LANGUAGE
By Dr. John N. Kalaras, Senior Professor@Chicago
MUSIC
The orchestras electrifyed the atmosphere, with
musical organs like the
harp, the lyre, the aulos and hydraulos. The chorus in
the odium
ortheatre synchronized with the organs harmoneously.
Orchistrators
synthesized musical poetry, satyr and comedy, in a
melodic symphony. The
rhythm and harmoneous eurythmy were unparalleled.
Synthesis, synergy and
symphony idealized every orchistrated episode. The
magnetic atmosphere,
the harmonic rhythm and the stereophonic echo
generated magic.
DRAMA - THEATRE
The genesis of classical drama, was not symptomatic. A
euphoria of
charismatic and talented protagonists showed fantastic
scenes of historic
episodes. The prologue, the theme and the epilogue,
comprised the trilogy
of drama while synthesis, analysis and synopsis
characterized the
phraseology of the text. The syntax and phraseology
used by scholars,
academicians and philosophers in their rhetoric, had
many grammatical
idioms and idiosyncrasies. The protagonists,
periodically used
pseudonyms. Anonymity was a syndrome that
characterized the theatrical
atmosphere. The panoramic fantasy, the mystique, the
melody, the
aesthetics, the use of cosmetic epithets, are
characteristics of drama.
Even though the theatres were physically gigantic,
there was no need
for microphones, because the architecture and the
acoustics, would echo
isometrically and crystally-clear. Many
epistimologists of
physics,aerodynamics, acoustics, electronics,
electromagnetics can not
analyze-explain the ideal and isometric acoustics of
Hellenic theatres
even today. There were many categories of drama:
classical drama,
melodrama, satyric, epic, comedy, e.t.c. The syndrome
of xenophobia or
dyslexia was overcome by the pathos of the actors, who
practiced
methodically and emphatically. Acrobatics were also
euphoric. There was a
plethora of anecdotal themes, with which acrobats
would electrify the
ecstatic audience, with scenes from mythical and
historical episodes.
Some theatric episodes were characterized as
scandalous and blasphemous.
Pornography, bigamy, hemophelia, nymphomania,
polyandry, polygamy and
heterosexuality were dramatized in a pedagogical way,
so the mysticism
about them would not cause phobia or anathema or taken
as anomaly, but
through logic, dialogue and analysis, the skepticism
and the pathetic or
cryptic mystery behind them, would be dispelled. It is
historically and
chronologically proven, that theatre emphasized
pedagogy, idealism and
harmony. Paradoxically, it also energized patriotism,
a phenomenon that
symbolized ethicacy, character and charisma.
MEDICINE - PHARMACOLOGY
Asclepius and Hipocrates, the patriarchs of
pharmacology, used botany
as their methodology for therapy. Diagnosis, biopsy,
prognosis and
then therapy, were techniques used with every anomaly
of the soma-body.
Analysis and dialysis of protoplasms, neoplasms,
chromosomes are common
methods. Schizophrenia, melancholy, epilepsy, hysteria,
psycopathy are
psychotic symptoms, analyzed via hypnosis and
metempsychosis. Anemia,
atrophy, stomachic dyspepsy, pachydermy, dermatitis,
laryngitis,
hepatitis, menigitis are somatic anomalies analyzed
biochemically.
Chronic anemia causes leukemia but radiology and
kymotherapy can be the
therapeutic techniques. The stethoscope was used for
asthmatic patheses
of the thorax. Sclerosis, atrophy or dystrophy of the
skeleton is analyzed
by osteology, otitis by otology, leprocy and psoriasis
by dermatology,
astigmatism and myopia by ophtalmology and of course
the epistimology of
genesis would be emphasized through embriology in
gynecology.
Pediatrists, podiatrists, orthopedics, orthodontists,
pathologists,
neurologists are very common titles. Hypnotists use hypnosis
and before a
syringe is used hypodermically, anesthisiologists use
anesthetics. An
overdose of anesthetics could cause amnesia or
paralysis. With neuratic
patheses, electrolysis was used to energize the
neuropathic or atrophic
nerve.
THEOLOGY
Theology analyzed a mosaic of Eclisiastical themes.
The thesis however
that theology takes is very dogmatic. There is a
diametric and astronomic
antithesis between dogmatism and ideology. Dogmatism
has mysticism, is
autarchic, myopic, autocratic, cryptic and even
schismatic, axiomatic and
monolythic. Ideology emphasizes dialogue, energizes a
climate of
logical and microscopic analysis of themes,
philosophizes and produces a
euphoria of ideas and syllogisms. Theology has many
dogmatic mysticisms,
which stigmatized certain chronological periods with
panacea. A paradigm
is the iconolatry which caused pandemonium and schism
among the
Patriarchs, Metropolitans and people. An anarchist or
blasphemous
christian could be stigmatized and anathematized.
Anathema was a
practical technique to exclude someone. When a
patriarchic throne was
orphaned, the Ecumenical Synod would enthrone the new
patriarch.
Paradoxically, the selection method was democratic.
Monotheism and
polytheism is also analyzed by theologists.
Eclisiastical hymns have
poetic rhythm and melody, that is why musical organs
are allowed in
lyturgy. Prophets and Apostoles emphasized ethicacy,
harmony and
euthanasia.
PHYSICS AND CHEMISTRY
Some of the topics emphasized and analyzed in physics
and chemistry were:
thermodynamics, aerodynamics, biophysics, biology,
biochemistry,
metallurgy, magneticism, static electricity etc. Some
of the techniques
used are dialysis, electrolysis, synthesis while some
of the materials
were asbestos, oxygen, metal, magnets. Along with the
chemists,
geologists would analyze the seismogenic, the botanic
and ecological
phenomena.
MATHEMATICS TRIGONOMETRY & GEOMETRY
Mathematic and geometric theorems and axioms, both
practical and
theoretic were analyzed by mathematicians. Alphanumeric
systems with
cryptic ormnemonic coding have been developed.
Geometric schemes like the
prism, the pyramid, the circle, the parallilogram and
other isometric
schemes like the pentagon, hexagon, octagon, are
analyzed periodically.
With diagrams, the periphery, the perimetry, the
diameter and the
dichotomy are studied. Analogous is the study of
astronomy and astrology,
where tools like chronometers and telescopes could
analyze the telemetry
and telekinisis of stars and meteoric phenomena of the
galaxy. This study
generated the telepathy, the telephone, the telegram,
the telegraph, the
telethon e.t.c.
POLITICAL - ECONOMIC - SOCIETAL
Economic systems basically symbolize the philosophy
and the ideology of
their party. In a democratic political system, ideology
and dialogue
characterize the basic methodology and strategy of the
politicians.
However, systems like monarchy, tyrany or oligarchy
are stigmatized
with megaeconomic and social problems. When monarchs
or tyrants were
dethroned, they nostalgically agonized how to bring
anarchy, so that they
may been throned again. Their chronic egomania and
megalomania, their
apathy for philanthropy and their aenigmatic,
problematic and pathetic
logic periodically stigmatized the political arena.
Tyrants symbolize
anarchy, phobia, panic, chronic epidemy and paralysis
of the
socioeconomic system. The agora was the physical
location where
politicians, philosophers and scholars would analyze
the problems
generated by monarchy, tyranny and periodically
aristocracy. The basic
methodology was dialogue, rhetoric or poetry. The
dialogue was
characterized by synthesis, analysis and synopsis, a
systematic
phenomenon in every epistimologist's phraseology. The
rhetoric was
pragmatic, yet charesmatic, characterized by harmony,
magnetic fantasy
and practical talent. Historians and chronographers
have systematically
shown that charesmatic politicians electrified the
odium orthe agora with
their rhetoric, in which they used cosmetic epithets,
eclectic idioms,
metaphors, paradigms and paradoxical phraseological
idiosyncrasies.
Classical poets, satyrs, scholars and philosophers
emphatically
critisized the anemic tyrants for their catastrophic
and scandaleous
egomania. Paradoxically, inspite their idiosyncracies,
some tyrants, like
Periandrosthe Corinthian, were charesmatic,
philanthropic and sympathetic
to the economic problems and social climate. Some of
them, who
strategized their economics ethically and logically,
created economic
euphoria, which allowed architects to build odiums and
theaters to
practice music and drama, gymnasiums and stadiums to
organize
athletisism. Most of them, however, had the syndrome
of apathy,
autocracy, autarchy, empathy, were myopic and
spasmodic egomaniacs, who
antagonized everything that demonstrated an antithesis.
However, the
climax of ideology, dialogue, epistimology,
philosophy, logic and harmony,
are practiced in a democratic system. Here you have
the forum at the
agora, where politics and socioeconomics are analyzed
by politicians,
academicians and scholars. Politicians antagonized the
philosophers
and scholars on ideology and practicality of economic
systems and ideas.
They both, however, emphasized ethicacy, ideology,
logic and harmoneous
political atmosphere. History has no parallel paradigm
of a politician
with character andcharisma, like Pericles the
Athenian, whose scholastic
and stochastic dynamism, rhetoric, fantasy, energy and
ideology
characterized him as the ARCHITECT OF THE ATHENIAN
DEMOCRACY!
These are definitely DIFFERENT!
In
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a
male animal is
punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the
examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased
must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in
(Wonder which head?)
There are men in
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having
sex for the first time...
Reason: under
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job
anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)
In
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare
hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed
in any manner
desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in
tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In
first time this happens, her mother must be in the
room to witness the
act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In
woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had
to pass this
law?)
In
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a
vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are
sold for consumption on
the premises."
Two engineering
students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second
engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second
engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't
have fit."
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers
build targets.
Actual employee appraisals
Have you got a progress review soon? The following are
taken from real employee evaluations
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this man to breed.
4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't be.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only
to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot
puddle.
8. This man has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal standards and the consistently
fails to achieve them.
10. This employee should go far the sooner he starts,
the better.
11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot.
12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't
looking.
14. A room temperature IQ
15. Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic
thingy that holds it together.
16. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus.
17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover
glued on.
18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
19. Bright as
20. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
21. Donated his brain to science before he was quite
finished using it.
22. Fell out of his family tree.
23. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but
the trains isn't coming.
24. This man has two brains: one is lost and the other
is out looking for it.
25. He's so dense that light bends around him.
26. If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
27. Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a
week.
28. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you
would get change back.
29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
ocean.
30. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000
other sperm.
31. One neuron short of a synapse.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he
gargled.
33. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a
baby.
34. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.
The "Salary Theorem" states that
"Engineers can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales
People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation
based on the following postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches
infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
Subject: Albanians !!!!!
DEAR RECEIVER,
You have just received an Albanian virus. Since we are
not so technologically advanced in
Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself
and send this mail to everyone you know.
Thank you very much for helping me.
Ole Hacker
Subject: WIFE 1.0 Software Alert!!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took
up a lot of space and Valuable resources. No mention of this was included with
the product information.
In addition Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all
other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys
Night 2.5, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the
background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0
Please Help!!!!!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
---------------------------
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
It is due to a primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend
7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely an Utilities and Entertainment
program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its
creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return
to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the
program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend
7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried to
Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original
system. Look In your Wife 1.0 manual under, "Warnings- Alimony/Child
Support".
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on
improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes
Dear to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I
also suggest "General Partnership Faults". You must assume all
responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their
cause. You will also find that GPF's are cyclical. The best course of action is
to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will
return to normal anyway.
Remember the system will run smoothly as long as you
take the blame for All GPF's .
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to be very high
maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as
Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook-it 1.5 (which replaces Burn-It 1.0) and Do-Bills 4.2
. You must however be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use
will cause the system to launch the program NagYourAss 9.5 . Once this happens
the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.
!!!!!WARNING!!!!! DO NOT under any circumstances,
install (Secretary-With-Short-Skirt. This application is not supported by Wife
1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
UPGRADE BOYFRIEND5.0 TO HUSBAND1.0 :
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting
modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other
valuable programs, such as Hot-sex 1.0 and Romance 9.9 but installed
undesirable programs such as Football 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no
longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running
Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Desperate Wife.
Dear Desperate Wife,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command:
C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember,
overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or
Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring
Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall
anotherBoyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying
additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0,
Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1
Tech Support
engineers & managers
A group of engineers and a group of manager are taking
the train to reach a conference. Every manager has a ticket, however the whole
group of engineers has only one ticket.
Suddenly one of the engineers shouts: "The
conductor is coming ...." after which the group of engineers run to the
toilet and squeeze into it.
The guard controls the manager, sees that the toilet
is occupied and knocks at the toilet door:
"Ticket please .." One of the engineers
pushes the ticket below the toilet door, the guard checks the ticket, pushes it
back and moves on.
On the way back the manager decide to use the same
trick and buy only one ticket for the whole group. They were really surprised
when they got to know that the group of engineers has no ticket at all.
Again, one of the engineers sees the conductor coming
and shouts: "The guard is coming ...". Immediately the group of
manager rushes to the toilet and squeezes inside, the engineers instead move
slowly to the other toilet and the last engineer of the group knocks at the
toilet door with the business inside: "Ticket please ......
Moral of the story:
Manager use methods of engineers without understanding
them...
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting
married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how
their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard
from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom
blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from
"Extra Long. King Size". She was again
slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both
ways."
A man suspected his wife of having an affair with
another man.
So, he hired the famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee
Yu, to watch and report any sly activities that may be occurring. A few days
Later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, no see.
For those who make extensive use of Word.
Just check out the following (Bill Gates still doesn't
know why it happens!):
Open Word 2000 and type:
”=rand (200,99)”
and then click ENTER
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons"
where
:) means a
smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-(
respectively.
Well, how about some "assicons?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^^o_) a wise ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo..
oo*"
"*o.o*" "*o.
.o"
'o" "o
o o *o
.o o 'o
o o o.
o o o
o \o/ o
o --0-- o
o. /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
'ooo. .oo. ooo
o
""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,oo"o
o.
""""""
oo
"""""
o
'o oo o'
o oo o
'o o o*
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
>
>
You have just been e-mooned! Send this to 5 people within
the next hour and you will be blessed with people
laughing
at your e-mail.
This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it
out,
you won't have bad luck.
(But who wouldn't want to e-Moon a friend?)
Happy e-mooning!!!
Computerized marriage
Husband (Returning late from work ) : Good Evening
Dear, I'm now logged in.
Wife: Have you brought the grocery ?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do
some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or
are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot
like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are a useless nut.
Husband: By Default
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use...Try after some time.
Wife: Who was in the car this morning?
Husband: System is unstable. Press CTRL + ALT +
Wife: Are you going to drink some wine?
Husband: File system is full.
Wife: What is my value in the family ?
Husband: Unknown Virus
Good Morning ladies and gentlemen.
This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to
Punjab Airlines.
We apologize for the 4 days delay in taking off, owing
to bad weather & some overtime I had put in the Bakery.
This is Flight 012 to
And if Luck is in our favour, we may even be landing
on your village.
Punjab Airlines has an excellent record for safety. In
fact our safety standards are so high, that even the terrorists are afraid to
fly with us. It is with pleasure that I announce that starting this year over
50% of our passengers have reached their destination.
For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airlines
staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next of the kin.
Our stewardess Bubbly will be happy to brief you on
our out of court settlement.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger
request we can arrange to turn them off.
To make your free fall to earth pleasant and
memorable, we serve complementary Tea & Biscuits.
For our Religious passengers we are the only airline
who can help you find out if there really is a God!
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie
will not be shown, as we forgot to record it from the television.
But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next
to the Air India Aircraft, so the movie will be visible from the right side of
the window.
There is no smoking in this airplane. Any smoke that
you see in this cabin is the early warning system, on the engines telling us to
slow down!
Life jackets are positioned under the seats & free
bathing costumes are available to aunties & swimming shorts to the uncles,
for emergency jumps.
In order to catch important land marks, we try to fly
as close as possible for the best view. If how ever you would like to have a
closer look, do let us know. Our enthusiastic copilots sometimes flies right
through the land mark.
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright
position for take off & fasten your seatbelts. For those of you who cannot
find a seat belt fasten your own belt to the arm of your chair.
And for those of you who cannot find a seat, do not
hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase.
Sorry!! But I won't be flying with you today because I
have to attend my nephew's wedding.
But please make yourself at home & help yourself
to the cockpit.
Thank you for choosing Punjab Airlines.
Have a pleasant journey.
" BALLE BALLE ".
Software development
What they say = What they mean!
New = Different colors from previous version!
All New = Not compatible with previous version!
Exclusive = Nobody else has documentation!
Unmatched = Almost as good as the competition!
Design Simplicity = The company wouldn't give us any
money!
Fool-proof Operation = All parameters are hard-coded!
Advanced Design = Nobody really understands it!
Here At Last = Didn't get it done on time!
Field Tested = We don't have any simulators!
Years of Development = Finally got one to work!
Unprecedented Performance = Nothing ever ran this slow
before!
Revolutionary = Disk drives go 'round and 'round!
Futuristic = Only runs on a next generation supercomputer!
No Maintenance = Impossible to fix!
Performance Proven = Worked through Beta test!
Meets Tough Quality Standards = It compiles without
errors!
Satisfaction Guaranteed = We'll send you another pack
if it fails!
Stock Item = We shipped it before and can do it again!
A plane is on its way to
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells
the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class
that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back
to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she
will have to leave and return to her Economy seat. The blonde then replies, "I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and
without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make
her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class wasn't going to
Culture
TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not
for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still
drink their beer.
3.a. You can legally kill yourself
3.b. You can legally be killed
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody
hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else
thinks
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by
saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save
your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war
is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them
intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will
do it in your country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it
beer.
4. You are either
4.a. Like the Dutch, just less efficient
4.b. Like the French, just less romantic
4.c. Like the Germans
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The
best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the
Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a
decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody
cares
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or
sex-offenders.
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the
first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's
legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You are the the ones that Created almost everything
first but everyone else makes them better and famous.Film, Planes, Jeans,
Cavalry, Internet, etc etc...
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other
people's countries.
7. The only Latin coutnry that doesn't have any sexy
dance moves or famous stars for tha matter.Celine Dion and Laura Fabian are
Canadian,nice try they speak french but ar not.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous
street humiliating your sense of national pride not once but twice in less than
50 years.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in
the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're
not. Because if you were why did Jackie Onassis who is French marry John F.
Kennedy who is from the
TOP 10 REASONS
FOR BEING AMERICAN
1. You can have a woman president without electing
her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to
do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever
made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met
"buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth
with a condom on.
TOP TEN REASONS
FOR BEING NORWEGIAN
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the
Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year
and get 24-hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians
in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing
- it's fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with
stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.
TOP 10 REASONS
FOR BEING LEBANESE
1. The only Arab country that has a majority that is
Christian and not Muslim.
2. The only Arab country to succesfully invade Isreal
and sign a peace deal.
3. The only people that actually think that speaking
french is actually a way of making you seem more upper class.
4. The only Arab country that you won't find a single
wild Camel.
5. The only Arab country that doesn't have a desert or
oil. Just have the smallest Arab country with the nost rivers.
6. Your cedars are blessed by Jesus.
7. You are the last remains of the Phonecians.
8. You would rather have a 20 year civil war than
admit that are an Arab.
9. Your capital
10 And yes you can swim in the Mediteranian and in 20
minutes be skiing or snowboarding in the waist deep snow in the middle of
Summer.
TOP 10 REASONS
FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of
cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major
sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still
a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes,
Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by
Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's
the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in
stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9.
10. Supported
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Ok, give them a second chance...wait we did...fine a
third chance
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would
bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign
language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not
forbidden by law (yet).
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
1. Chicken
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiasa
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when
talking.
Top 10 REASONS FOR BEING MEXICAN
1. You are part of NAFTA
2. Your idea of Social Justice is sending your poor to
the
3. You have cities like
4. Tequila!
5. You give anything worth value to foreigners like
6. You can act snobby and believe people outside of
7. Just like the Australians you treat the people that
have lived on your land for over 40,000 years like they are foreigners and let
them life in poverty and think nobody will notice.
8. Own the cradle of 2 great civilizations the Aztecs
and the Mayans.
9. You have people are famous with characters like
Speedy Gonzalez and Cheech and Chong.
10. You wished you had a leader other than the PRI and
who's name might be EVITA Peron.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down
someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in
second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have
sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub
at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. You can claim that
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh
water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and
his/her popularity ratings soar.
7. Your national Capital region of the city of
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover
your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. OK FINE WE WILL GIVE THIS TO THEM AGAIN JUST
BECAUSE EVERY OTHER CULTURE OTHER THAN CANADIANS AND AMERICANS LOVED THIS SOO
MUCH
Only country to successfully invade the
ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
1. Know your great grand dad was a murdering bar
steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your
country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals and known
masoganists. ODD
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold
lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
1. You get to shout about your culture although the
only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police are even more corrupt than the criminals
they are supposed to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it
between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around
wretching their stomach tents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear
and not get put in a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument
when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8.You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and
still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9. Only people that are proud that they like to take
it and give it up the ass.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.
A man was wandering in the woods pondering all the
questions of life, the universe and his personal problems. He couldn't find any
answers so he sought help from God.
"God? God? Are you there God?!", he shouted.
God responded, "What is it, my son?"
"I have a few questions … mind if I ask?"
"Go right ahead, my son … anything."
"God, what is a million years to you?"
"My son, a million years to me is only a
second."
"Hmmm...", he thought. "God, what is a
million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is only worth
a penny."
The man lifted his eyebrows and proceeded to ask a
final question, "God, can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure … in a
second."
You know you're too serious about computers if …
... you did an
error-free installation of Windows '2000
... your modem
starts smoking
... you log-off
your system only because it's time to go to work
... you call in
sick because you found a great new internet site
... you can
type your 10 favourite internet sites by heart
... you can
locate a particular home page without using a search engine
... you can
write your own html page
... you put
your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes
... you check
your e-mail on the way back to bed from the bathroom at
... you have
your e-mail address printed on your stationary
... you insist
on seeing the movie "The Net" for the 63rd time
... you
maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses
... you use
more than 20 passwords
... you set up
your own Web page
... you set up
a Web page for each of your kids and your pets
... you ask
someone for their e-mail address instead of their phone number
... you find it
easier to dial-up the National Weather Service than look out the window
... you start
using phrases like "hungry.must-eat.food.now@home
... you order
most of what you buy... online
... your
fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours
... you find
yourself engaged to someone you've never met except through e-mail
... you log-off
from your newsgroup and your log reads: "online time: 56 hours 24
minutes"
... you look
for file/save command when someone tells you to remember something
... No one can
reach you by phone since your computer is always online
THE MEANING BEHIND THE JARGON
What the engineer says: What he really means!
A number of different approaches are being tried: We
are still pissing in the wind.
Extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach
to the problem: We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
Close project coordination: We know who to blame.
Major technological breakthrough: It works OK, but
looks very hi-tech.
Customer satisfaction is delivered assured: We are so
far behind schedule, the customer is happy to get it delivered.
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive: The
darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
Test results were extremely gratifying: We are so
surprised that the stupid thing works.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned: The only
person who understood the thing quit.
It's in the process: It is so wrapped up in red tape
that the situation is about hopeless.
We will look into it: Forget it! We have enough
problems for now.
Please note and initial: Let's spread the
responsibility for the screw up.
Give us the benefit of your thinking: We'll listen to
what you have to say as long as we don't have to change what we've already
done.
Give us your interpretation: I can't wait to hear this
bull!
See me/let's discuss: Come into my office, I'm lonely.
All new: Parts not interchangeable with the previous
design.
Rugged: Too damn heavy to lift!
Lightweight: Lighter than RUGGED.
Years of development: One finally worked.
Energy saving: Achieved when the power switch is off.
Low maintenance: Impossible to fix if broken.
The Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St.
Peter checks his dossier and says, "Aha, you're an engineer ... you've
come to the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and
is let in. Pretty soon, he becomes
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush
toilets and escalators and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says
with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replies,
"Hey, things are going great. We've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake ... he should never have been
sent down there. Send him back." Satan says, "No way. I like having
an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him
back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
"Yeah, right ... and just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
An architect, an artist and an engineer were
discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The
architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for
an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I
like both. If you have a wife and a mistress, they'll each assume you are
spending time with the other woman and you can go to the plant and get some
work done."
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find
their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while,
the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is
blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I`m a 6`
tall,200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
What`s more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she`s a weight lifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde, and she`s a pro wrestler. Think about it
seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke ?"
The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not
if I`m gonna have to explain it five times."
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of
nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the
Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together having
loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when
they alternate with
the German woman.
The two English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English
woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean
and one look at the
Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of
suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her
own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do,
about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how
her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her
relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low
and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed
The two Australian men beat each other senseless
fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men,
after calling them both "bloody wankers."
Both
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and
South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut
whiskey, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.
Despite rumors,
However, some events have been changed.
1. cigarette chain smoking marathon
2. gathering olives from trees
3. long distance spitting
4. nastiest armpit smell
5. thickest moustache, females are welcome to compete
too
6 goat herders relay
7. tavli
8. comboloi (worry beads) toss
9. longest duration wearing the same piece of
clothing.
10. papaki race to the beach
11 the evil eye stare down competition
Economics:
Feudalism
You have two
cows.
Your lord takes
some of the milk.
Fascism
You have two
cows.
The government
takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism
You have two cows.
Your neighbors
help take care of them and you all share the milk.
Applied Communism
You have two
cows.
You must take
care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Totalitarianism
You have two
cows.
The government
takes them both and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Pure Democracy
You have two
cows.
You and your
neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy
You have two
cows.
Your neighbors
pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Mexican Democracy
You have two
cows.
The government
takes both and drafts you into the army.
European Democracy
You have two
cows.
The EU
commission decides which regulations for feeding and milking apply. If there
aren't any, they invent some. They pay you not to milk the cows. They take both
cows, shoot one, milk the other and pour the milk down the drain. They then
require you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
American Democracy
The government
promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it.
After the
election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press
dubs the affair "cowgate," but supports the president. The cows sue
you for breach of contract. Your legal bills exceed your annual income. You
settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.
Capitalism
You have two
cows.
You sell one
and buy a bull.
Your herd
multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them
and retire on the income.
Enron Venture Capitalism
You have two
cows.
You sell three
of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated
general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five
cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Answering some recent articles about Greeks involved
in terrorist acts and perhaps on those plane crashes some months ago, the Greek
Ministry of Foreign affairs issued a statement proving those allegations
completely wrong:
12 REASONS WHY THE TERRORISTS WEREN'T GREEK
1. 6:45 am is too early for most Greeks to get up.
2. Greeks are always late, they would've missed all 4
flights.
3. Hot girls on the planes would have distracted them.
4. Greeks only use heir cellular phones to make missed
calls and not to communicate with each other.
5. Free alcohol on the plane, get it?
6. The suspected car found outside of
7. They wouldn't have a meeting in
8. Talking behind each other's back would start a big
fight on the plane.
9. 18 Greeks can't even organize a simple lunch
together! You think they can organize such an attack?
10. They would've been too busy fixing their hair.
11. Frappe isn't served on commercial airlines even
Olympic.
12. Their mothers wouldn't have let them.
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to
the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came
out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT
MAIL."
At
As the clock ticks over from
The last occasion that time read in such a symmetrical
pattern was long before the days of the digital watch and the 24-hour clock –
at
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
quickly discovered the ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat
the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen
that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface
including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C...
The Russians used a pencil.
While visiting
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says
that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows
if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions,"
says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime
Minister. Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your
father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is
it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank
you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did
you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be
using that!"
Upon returning to
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is
it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and
get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a
meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question
for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in
desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his
problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has
a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course,
you idiot."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House
and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin
Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony
Blair."
50 Things you don't say while having sex:
01. Is it in
yet?
02. Is that it?
03. You have to
be kidding me
04. (phone
rings) Hi? Oh, nothing special. You?
05. Am I
supposed to pay you for this?
06. Should I
call you tomorrow?
07. Oh mama,
mama!!!
08. Oh daddy,
daddy!!!
09. You look
better in the dark.
10. Oh, this is
much better than with my last boy/girlfriend.
11. I thought
it was supposed to go into the other hole
12. Don't tell
my husband/wife
13. You have
the bra as my mom (particularly bad if the girl says this ;)
14. This sucks
15. Could you
hurry up a bit? I have to go to a meeting
16. I hope
you're not expecting a raise
17. I think
this could make you get the job
18. Damn, is
that all you know ?!
19. Did I
mention I have herpes?
20. We have to
get married now
21. Hurry up,
the game is on in a few!
22. I'm hungry
23. I'm thirsty
24. zzzzzzzzzz
25. Are you
trying to be funny?
26. Can you
drop me off when you're done?
27. Are those
real?
28. Before I
forget, I'm breaking up with you
29. What is
that smell? Is that you?
30. You've
never done this before?
31. WOW! I've
never boobs like that! (and then start grabbing them)
32. Do you know
what certain female spiders do after mating?
33. You sure
look like your sister
34. Your mom's
pretty nice
35. What did
you say your name was?
36. Do I really
still have to be here in the morning?
37. Again? I
had trouble staying awake the first time!
38. Owwww, and
you had just started
39. You're
almost as good as a 9-year-old -- and I can know!
40. Don't touch
that!
41. You wanna
order a pizza?
42. I think my
dad is eavesdropping
43. Smile,
you're on Candid Camera!
44. Is there
anything nice on TV?
45. Get your
hand away from there!
46. I think the
condom tore 10 mins ago
47. I knew you
had a stuffed bra!
48. "Cover
me guys, I'm going in!"
49.
TIMBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!
50. The ceiling
needs some white paint ;-)
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately
computed from available data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover,
the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun
shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from
the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times
seven (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all.
The light we receive from the Moon is
"Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
A very handsome Greek man, relaxing at his favourite
cafe in Krateron (a small Greek village in northern
After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him
to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with a smile, "So... you
finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied
"No."
Pleasantly surprised, the handsome Greek man reached
for her and had his way with her again. This time she's wild, thrashing about
on the bed and climaxing with screams of passion.
Again, the handsome Greek man smiles, and asks,
"You finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile,
cuddles closer to him, and says "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast
him, the young man reaches for his date. It takes all of his strength and he
barely manages to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking,
clawing and ripping bed sheets. It's dawn by then, and, entirely spent, the
exhausted handsome Greek man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn
his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You
finish!?"
"No!" she shouts back. "Swedish!"
If an insect falls in a cup of coffee:
The Englishman:
Throws the cup away and walks out of the cafe
The American:
Asks the waiter for another cup of coffee.
The Mexican:
Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee
The Chinese:
Eats the insect and throws the coffee away
The Besieged Palestinian:
Drinks the coffee and eats the insect
The Israeli:
* Sells the coffee to the Americans and the insect to
the Chinese.
* Screams that his security is in peril.
* Accuses the Palestinians of throwing the insect in
his coffee.
* Alleges that Hizbullah, the Syrians and the Iranians
advocate attacks with weapons of mass insects.
* Relates this vicious attack to Palestinian
Terrorism; attacks on Human Rights, Anti-Semitism, the Holocaust, the Diaspora,
the Exodus and Discrimination on Noah's
* Asks Arafat to immediately stop insects from flying
in the air or landing in coffee cups.
* Re-occupies the
* Imposes on the Americans more military aid.
* Demands a 100-year, billion-dollar, loan from
* Claims life-time free coffee from the cafe as
compensation.
They've got the best lawyers!
Here are some totally useless facts for your enjoyment
(excellent for playing "Stump the Friend.or Wife.or Boss or…"). You
just CAN'T make this stuff up!!!
-Courtesy of our good friends, drummer Billy Ward and
Neal Faison of TASCAM-
"I don't know anything about music. In my line,
you don't have to."- Elvis Presley (1935-1977)
-The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime
time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-Coca-Cola was originally green.
-Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the
US Treasury.
-It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not
downstairs.
-Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle;
3) Golden Retriever. Dumbest: Afghan hound.
-The Hawaiian alphabet has only 12 letters.
-Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear
better.
-Amount that American Airlines saved in 1987 by
eliminating one olive from each salad served First-Class: $40,000.
-City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita:
-State with the highest percentage of people who walk
to work:
-Percentage of
-Percentage of
-Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
-Average number of days a West German goes without
washing his underwear: 7
-Percentage of American men who say they would marry
the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
-Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the
same man: 50%
-Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of
eleven: $6,400
-Average number of people airborne over the
-Percentage of Americans who have visited
Disneyland/Disney World:70%
-Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
-Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for
"Profiles in Courage"
-Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their
hair.
-The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived
in
-The youngest pope was 11 years old.
-
-First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
-A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
-In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1
to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not
re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2
and up, but no channel 1.
-The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments
-The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".
-Hang On Snoopy is the official rock song of
-Did you know that there are coffee-flavored PEZ?
-The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from
the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
-The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the
"American Pie." (Thus the name of theDon
-When possums are playing 'possum, they are not
"playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
-The Main Library at
-Each
king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades
-King David, Clubs -Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds
-Julius Caesar.
-If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has
both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one
front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle;
if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
-Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their
unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the
expression "to get fired."
-Only two people signed the Declaration of
Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest
signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
-"I am." is the shortest complete sentence
in the English language. (???)
-The term "the whole 9 yards" came from
W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the
ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before
being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target,
it got "the whole 9 yards."
-Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine
that maks them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
-The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from
an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything
wider than your
thumb.
-An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
-The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen
seconds.
-The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one
mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as
airstrips in
times of war or other emergencies.
-In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman
somewhere.
-The name
Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General
Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
-The Pentagon, in
-The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six
inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
-The highest point in
-Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected
intravenously.
-If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins
without being able to make change for a dollar.
-No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed
stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
-The first toilet ever seen on television was on
"Leave It To Beaver".
-The only two days of the year in which there are no
professional sports events (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the
day after the Major League All-Star Game.
-Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or
older.
-The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter
Pan."
-How about this.... The nursery rhyme Ring Around the
Rosey is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get
red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey..."), these sores would
smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere
(inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores ("...a
pocket full of poseys..."), People who died from the plague would be
burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("...ashes,
ashes, we all fall down!")
-The longest one-syllable word in the English language
is "screeched."
-"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends
in the letters "mt".
-Almonds
are members of the peach family.
-Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
-The word "set" has more definitions than
any other word in the English language.
-"Underground" is the only word in the
English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."
-
-Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
-Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was
eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
-Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
-The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two
lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
-Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device
depicted in the book 'The Naked Lunch.'
-The
Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who fathered
over 160 children.
-There is a seven letter word in the English language
that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters,
"therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
-Duelling is legal in
-John Larroquette of "Night Court" and
"The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre."
-A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.(wonder
how they figured this out?)
-It's
impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
-Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them;
a fully-ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
-"Stewardesses" is the longest word that can
be typed with only the left hand.
-To "testify" was based on men in the Roman
court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
-The combination "ough" can be pronounced in
nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A
rough-coated, dough- faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of
-Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in
the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
-There are only four words in the English language
which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and
hazardous.
-Emu's and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on
the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
-The first episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi"
was the highest rated American program in the history of Korean television.
"Chachi" is Korean for "penis."
-Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
-Pearls melt in vinegar
-The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: MARLBORO,
COCA-COLA, BUDWEISER, in that order.
-Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment
in the palms of their hands.
-Thirty-Five percent of the people who use personal
ads for dating are already married.
-111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
-The mask used by Michael Myers in the original
"Halloween" movie was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
-Snails
can sleep for 3 years without eating.
-The
fingerprints of Koala Bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of
humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
-Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a
"Friday the 13th."
-James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery
Scott (Scotty) on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger on his right
hand (he
lost it on D-Day).
-A sick pig rarely curls its tail.
-A woodpeckers tongue is long enough to wrap it around
his head 2 times.
-Ants prefer not to walk through baby powder.
-Snakes can't blink.
-A rat can tread water for 3 days.
-A snail takes 33 hours to crawl 1 mile.
-The bigger the navel, the sweeter the orange.
-The dot over the lower case "i" is called a
Tittle.
-In an average lifetime the human heart circulates 55
million gallons of blood.
-It is illegal in the state of
-If a frog's mouth is held open too long the frog will
suffocate.
-
-Peanuts are used in the manufacture of dynamite.
-In an average lifetime the average American receives
31 prank phone calls (hopefully not per day!).
-Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
-At the first Thanksgiving dinner Lobster was one of
the main entrees.
-No word in the English Language rhymes with month.
-A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
-The ashes of an average cremated person weighs 9 lbs.
-Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their
necks.
-Oak trees do not have acorns until they are 50 years
or older.
-All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5.00 bill.
-Shirley Temple always had 56 curls in her hair.
-Corduroy comes from the French, meaning cloth of the
king.
-The dial tone of a normal phone is in the key of F.
-Easter
Sunday is always the first Sunday after the first full moon after March 21.
(the first day of Spring)
-An office chair with wheels travels 8 miles a year.
-Howdy Doody has exactly 48 freckles on his face.
-Bubble Gum contains rubber. (Not so sure about this
one!)
-33 million Hershey Kisses are made each day.
-Every
time you sneeze some of your brain cells die. (Guess some of us are in sad
shape!)
-An animal epidemic is called a epizootic. (True! This
was so silly I went and looked it up!)
-If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat it measures
87 feet long.
-Camel's milk does not curdle. (Who wants to drink it
anyhow?)
-A cat has 4 rows of whiskers.
-In Disney's Fantasia, the Sorcerer name is Yensid
which is Disney backwards.
-
-The space between the 2 front teeth is called a
diastima.
-Alexander the Great was an epileptic.
-A group of owls is called a parliament.
-The geographical center of
-Dirty Harry's badge number is 2211.
-The ball on top of a flagpole is called the truck.
-Giraffes
have no vocal chords.
-The dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
-Mister Rogers is an ordained minister.
-Professional ballerinas use about 12 pair of toe
shoes per week.
-Race car is a palindrome.
-The two lines that connect your top lip to the bottom
of your nose are known as philtrums.
-Ralph Kramden made $62.00 a week.
-Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to
carrots.
-The characters Bert and Ernie on
-The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified
kosher.
-In
-The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
-Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of
cotton.
-Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of
a calorie.
-All dogs, no matter what size, scratch at the same
speed.
-The term "Checkmate" comes from the Arabic
meaning "the king is dead".
-The word TIP is an acronym for "To Insure
Promptness".
-There are no turkeys in
-There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
-A
giraffe's tongue is blue.
-The average person blinks 313 million times in a
lifetime.
-Robert E. Lee wore size 4 1/2 shoe.
-If a spider dismantles his web a bad storm is near.
-"Tug of War" was an Olympic event between
1900 and 1920.
-Tony the Tiger will turn 46 in 2001.
-The
right lung takes in more air than the left.
-There is no rice in rice paper.
-More than 25% of the worlds forests are in
-Nearly all Sumo wrestlers have flat feet and big
butts.
-Buzz Aldrin was the first man to pee in his pants on
the moon.
-An eagles nest can weigh as much as two tons.
-Conception occurs more often in December than any
other month.
-"60 Minutes," is the only CBS TV show with
no theme song.
-Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their
birthplace.
-The most popular boat name requested is Obsession.
-If you were to spell out numbers, you would have to
go to One-thousand until you would find the letter "A".
-Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers,
and laser printers were all all invented by women.
-The only
food that doesn't spoil is honey.
-There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any
other day of the year.
-40% of all people at a party snoop in your medicine
cabinet.
-In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making
the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep
tight".
-It was the accepted practice in
-In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.
So in old
-Many years ago in
-In
-Did you
know......... It is impossible to lick your elbow?
-Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick
their elbow!
-A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
-A
shrimp's heart is in their head.
-People
say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart
stops for a millisecond.
-Between
1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for
the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
-On average, a human being will have sex more than
3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
-Rats and horses can't vomit.
-The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick"
is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
-If you
sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.
-If you
try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck
and die.
-Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats
could have over a million descendants.
-Wearing
headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700
times.
-If the
-The
cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
-Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal
ads for dating are already married.
-Most lipstick contains fish scales.
-Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
-Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is
different.
Hey, ya just CAN'T make this stuff up!!!
This page (http://www.dbmproaudio.com/facts.html) was
last obnoxiously updated on
A few years back, a survey was conducted by the U.N.
worldwide. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your most honest opinion
about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a HUGE failure:
In
In
In
In the
In
In
And in the
Subject: math and romance
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married
men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a
man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped
after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A Good Lesson
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had
some items in front of him.
When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks right to the top,
rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was
full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles
and poured them in to the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of
course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The students laughed. He
asked his students again if the jar was full? They agreed that yes, it was. The
professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course,
the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you
to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things – your
family, your partner, your health, your children - anything that is so
important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The
pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The
pebbles represent things like your job, your house, your car. The sand is
everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand or the pebbles into the
jar first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you
spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will
never have room for the things that are truly most important. Pay attention to
the things that are critical in your life. Play with your children. Take your
partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house,
give a dinner party and fix the disposal. " Take care of the rocks first -
the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just pebbles
and sand.
Hope you like it.
Statistical Findings:
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of
their first date
20% of the men had sex in a nontraditional place
36% of the women favro nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual
relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the
office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of
having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have
sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever
come of it!
Santa Claus: An Engineering Analysis
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are
300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of
these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer
which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children in the world (persons
under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total -leaving 378
million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes
there is at least one good child per house.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with,
thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,
Santa has 1/1000 th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree,
eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million
stops are evenly distributed around the earth which, of course, we know to be
false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now
talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not
counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus
feeding, etc.
That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles
per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the
fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, move at a poky 27.4
miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, at tops 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting
element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized lego set ( 2
pounds ), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is
invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no
more than 300 pounds. Even granting the 'flying reindeer' can pull TEN TIMES
that normal amount, we cannot the job with eight, or even nine, We need 214,200
reindeer. This increased the payload- not even counting the weight of the
sleigh to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison - this is four times the weight of
the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second
creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same
fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will
absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second. Each. In short, they will
burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them,
and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team
will be vaporized with 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be
subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound
Santa ( which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh
by a 4,315,015 pound force.
Top 23 Engineers' Terminologies
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH
APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to
get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is
about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it
doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING
Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken.
21. IT IS TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE
I don't feel like doing it.
22. IT DEPENDS...
Abandon all hope of a useful answer.
23. THE DATA BITS ARE FLEXED THROUGH A COLLECTIMIZER
WHICH STRIPS THE FLOW-GATE ARRAYS INTO VIRTUAL MESSAGE ELEMENTS
I don't know.
Austin
Powers chat-up lines
1. I wish
you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. (Lick
finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
3. Nice
legs... What time do they open?
4. Do you
work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've
got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I
buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may
not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a
bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen
one?
9. I'm
fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna
play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I'd
really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
12. You
might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch
away.
13. You
must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
14. I'd
walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even further for that thing
you do with your tongue.
15. If it's
true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
16. (Look
down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.
17. You
know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18. You,
Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
19. Those
clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
20. My name
is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
21. Do you
believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
22. Hi, the
voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
23. I know
milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
24. Do you
sleep on your stomach? Can I?
25. Do you
wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?
Federal
Aviation Agency
Dear Sirs:
I have the
solution for preventing hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline
industry back on its feet.
Since men
of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should require
all female flight attendants to perform their job naked.
Muslims
would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of
course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of
seeing a naked woman.
We would
have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.
Now why
didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill
Clinton
A married
couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mile per hour (mph), the Husband
behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks over at him and says, "Honey, I
know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The husband
says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
She then
says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been
having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you
are."
Again the
husband stays quiet but speeds up as his anger increases.
"I
want the house," she insists, pressing her luck.
Again the
husband speeds up, to eighty mph.
She says,
"I want the car, too," but he just drives faster and faster.
By now he's
up to ninety mph.
"All
right," she says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit
cards, too."
The husband
slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.
This makes
her a bit nervous, so she says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The husband
says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh,
really," she says, "so what have you got?"
Right
before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the husband smiles and says,
"The
airbag."
Start with
a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and
place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and
start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all
of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an
attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold
water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put
away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new
one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his
surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt
and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be
assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it
with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!
Likewise,
replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, and then the
fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most
of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to
climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest
monkey.
After
replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever
been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the
stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the
way it's always been done around here.
And that my
dear friends, is how company policy begins!
Secrets to
a happy marriage
1. It is
important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is
important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is
important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is
important that these three women never meet.
These are
from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said
in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking
place.
Q: Are you
sexually active?
A: No, I
just lie there.
Q: What is
your date of birth?
A: July
fifteenth.
Q: What
year?
A: Every
year.
Q: What gear
were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci
sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in
what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I
forget.
Q: You
forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old
is your son, the one living with you?
A:
Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long
has he lived with you?
A:
Forty-five years.
Q: What was
the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why
did that upset you?
A: My name
is Susan.
Q: Do you
know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both
do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes,
voodoo.
Q: Now doctor,
isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?
Q: The
youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you
present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the
date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what
were you doing at that time?
Q: She had
three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many
were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were
there any girls?
Q: How was
your first marriage terminated?
A: By
death.
Q: And by
whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you
describe the individual?
A: He was
about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this
a male, or a female?
Q: Doctor,
how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my
autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your
responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you
recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The
autopsy started around
Q: And Mr.
Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he
was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor,
before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you
check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you
check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then
it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can
you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because
his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But
could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it
is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Corporate
lesson 1
A man is
getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the
doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing overwhich one should go and
answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800dollars to
drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman
drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few
seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her
good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When
she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was
that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great,"
the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes
me?"
Moral of
the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in
time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Corporate
lesson 2
A priest
was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered
her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an
accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father,remember psalm
129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself
to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest
apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On
his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up
psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."
MORAL OF
THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great
opportunity!
Corporate
Lesson 3
A sales
rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they
find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I
want to be in the
Poof! He's
gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager
says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of
story: always let your boss have the first say.
A man
suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the
famous Chinese
detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities
while he
was gone. A few days later, he received this report:
MOST
HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE
HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO
HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE
LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE
GO IN HOTEL.
I CLIMB
TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS
SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP
SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY
WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH
ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE
WARNING
THIS ONE IS DANGEROUS
If you
receive an e-mail entitled "Bad times", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not
open it.
Apparently
this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive,
but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It
demagnetises the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your PIN
number, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to
call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT
WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your
beer.
FOR GOD'S
SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will
leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It
will replace your shampoo with hair remover and your hair remover with Regaine.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only
fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all
your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings
which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the
"Badtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hairdryer plugged in dangerously close
to a full bathtub. It will refill your skimmed milk with Milk of Magnesia!
*******
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you
don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your
right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks
that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send to
everyone...
In case you
are a blonde, this is a joke.
Lost
Chapter in Genesis
Adam was
hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him,
"What's wrong with you?"
Adam said
he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said
that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said,
"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for
you.
She will
always agree with every decision you
make.
She will
bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will
not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had
a disagreement.
She will
never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you
need it."
Adam asked
God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God
replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam
asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is
history....
YOU KNOW
YOU'RE GREEK WHEN:
1. You make
frappe before leaving home, when getting to the office, after lunch, when
having guests, before the guests leave, after the guests leave and before going
to bed.
2. When
shops have a sale they call your mom.
3. You
still have clothes that you used to wear when you were five stored in
suitcases.
4. You call
an older person you've never met before "Thio" (Uncle:father's side)
or "Thia" (Uncle: Mother's side) .
5. You hide
everything from your parents, but they still think they know everything about
you, and make you believe that they actually do.
6. You
learn how to beg the personnel at the airport to allow the excess baggage
you've got as soon as your father stops doing that for you.
7. When you
arrive home you find 20 people waiting for you at the airport.
8. Every
summer you must go to your village.
9. Every
time you go to your village, you meet relatives you never knew they existed,
and they look nothing like your family.
10. You
look for universities as far away from home as possible, or as close to home as
possible.
11. You
always curse at Greeks and then when you travel to
12. When
you come back from college you still have to live with your parents, and fight
over curfew all over again, as if you never left them before.
13. Your
relatives alone could populate a small city.
14.
Everyone is a family friend.
15. You
fight over who pays the dinner bill.
16. You
teach Europeans/Americans swear words in your language.
17. When
you go on a date you start thinking of places that you never thought of before
to avoid family or family friends.
18. You end
up in a lousy place and still bump into the relative with the biggest mouth.
19. You
think you are liberated when you can't even smoke in public.
20. If you
are 25 and not married yet, your parents make you feel that you are getting too
old.
21. Getting
married becomes the only way you could escape your parents.
22. You
tell your friends how to rebel against their parents when you can't stay out
past
23. You
always say "Open the light" instead of "Turn on the light".
24. You ask
your dad a simple question and he tells you a story of how he had to walk miles
just to get to school with no shoes.
25. Your
parents were ranked the first in school. (...or so they claim)
The New
Bride
A young
Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to
please her husband and never upset him.
So the
first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed
after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, and
accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked
up and said: "Aww! So sorry...excuse please, front hole so happy back hole
laugh out loud!
We always
hear "The Rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from
the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered
"1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to
work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it
up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find
the perfect present yet again!
1.
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday =
sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't
cut your hair. EVER! Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One
of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut
their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping
is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying
is blackmail.
1. Ask for
what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong
hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't
remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us
frequently beforehand.
1. Most
guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at
choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and
No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to
us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy
is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A
headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check
your own oil! Please.
1. Anything
we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments
become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you
won't dress like the
1. If you
think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If
something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you
sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can
either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you
already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever
possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The
relationship is never going to be like it was the first four months we were
going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men
see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. A peach, for example, is
a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it
itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are
not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not
proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we
ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you
ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to
hear.
1. When we
have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't
ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics
as who's better Biggie or Tupac, those new 22in' car rims, or basketball.
1. You have
enough clothes.
1. You have
too many shoes.
1. It is
neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't
matter which quiz.
1. I am in
shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank
you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but
did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
WHY WE LOVE
CHILDREN
A little
boy was doing his math homework.
He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus
six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother
heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little
boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And
this is how your teacher taught you to do it?", the mother asked.
"Yes,"
he answered.
Infuriated,
the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son
in math?"
The teacher
replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother
asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch
is four?"
After the
teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What
I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
One day a
teacher read the story Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the
story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and
so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the
sky is falling!"
The teacher
paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?"
One little
girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking
chicken!'"
The teacher
was unable to teach for the next 10 Minutes
A
kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked
him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead."
She was informed.
"How
do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because
I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You
did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You
know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
A small boy
is sent to bed by his father.
Five
minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm
thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No.
You had your chance. Lights out."
Five
minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm
THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told
you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five
minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When
you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
An
exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked
him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy
thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in an out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in
or stay out!'"
One summer
evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I
can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long
silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The
big sissy."
It was that
time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the
children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a
particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and
said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little
girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone:
"Yes,
and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
When I was
six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room
when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, Mommy, you are
getting fat!"
I replied,
"Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy"
"I
know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
Top Ten
WORST things to say to a police officer:
1) I can't
reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2) Sorry,
Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3) Aren't
you the guy from the Village People?
4) Hey, you
must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5) I
thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police
officer.
6) I was
going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7) Bad cop!
No donut!
8) You're
not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9) Gee,
that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10) Didn't
I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?
A guy
sitting at an airport bar in
He thought
to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But
which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to
pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to
fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately
thought to himself, "Ooh shit, she doesn't work for Delta".
A moment
later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,
"Something special in the air?" Once again she gave him the same
confused look.
He mentally
kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he
tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your friendly
skies?"
This time
the woman turned on him. "What the f**k do you want?" she snapped.
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair and said...
"Ahhh,
Olympic
Dear
Employees,
It has been brought to management's attention
that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language
during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to
complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type
of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realise the critical
importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating
with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING"
new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information
can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more
sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect
me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be
implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me
sooner?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the
issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the
moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you
boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more
training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck
you're doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Johnny asks
grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"
Grandpa
says: "Yes, but only oral."
Johnny
asks: "What is oral?"
Grandpa says:
"I say 'fuck you', she says 'fuck you too!'"
Just
imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many
The DJs
play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called
"Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously
involved
with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then
asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person
is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly,
they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made
the City of
DJ:
"Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant:
(laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ:
"Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to
Contestant:
"Brian."
DJ:
"Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian:
"Yes."
DJ:
"Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian:
(laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ:
"Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian:
"Sara."
DJ:
"Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian:
"She is gonna kill me."
DJ:
"Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian:
(laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ:
"Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian:
"She is gonna kill me."
DJ:
"Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian:
"About
DJ:
"Atta boy, Brian."
Brian:
(laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ:
"Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian:
"About 10 minutes."
DJ:
"Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if
a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian:
"Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ:
"Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at
Brian:
(laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ:
"This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian:
"Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a
couple of weeks..."
DJ:
"Uh huh..."
Brian:
"...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ:
"Atta boy, Brian."
Brian:
"On the kitchen table."
DJ:
"Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times
I've done it.
Okay folks,
I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You
listen to this."
3 minutes
of commercials follow.
DJ:
"Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch
tones.....ringing....)
Clerk:
"Kinkos."
DJ:
"Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk:
"This is Sarah."
DJ:
"Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've
been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah:
(laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ:
"Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any
answers away or you'll lose. Soooo ..... do you know the rules of 'Mate
Match'?"
Sarah:
"No."
DJ:
"Good!"
Brian:
(laughing)
Sarah:
(laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian
(laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest."
DJ:
"Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
Sarah:
(laughing) "Yes."
DJ:
"Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah:
"Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ:
"What time?"
Sarah:
"Around 8 this morning."
DJ:
"Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah:
"12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ:
"Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a
trip to
Sarah:
(laughing) "Yes."
DJ:
"Where did you have it?"
Sarah:
"OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian:
"Just tell him, honey."
DJ:
"What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah:
"Well..."
DJ: Come on
Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah:
"In the ass....."
After a
long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
HU'S ON
FIRST
By James
Sherman
(We take
you now to the Oval Office.)
George:
Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir,
I have the report here about the new leader of
George:
Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu
is the new leader of
George:
That's what I want to know.
Condi:
That's what I'm telling you.
George:
That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of
Condi: Yes.
George: I
mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The
guy in
Condi: Hu.
George: The
new leader of
Condi: Hu.
George: The
Chinaman!
Condi: Hu
is leading
George: Now
whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm
telling you Hu is leading
George:
Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading
Condi:
That's the man's name.
George:
That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George:
Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
Condi: Yes,
sir.
George:
Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in
Condi:
That's correct.
George:
Then who is in
Condi: Yes,
sir.
George:
Yassir is in
Condi: No,
sir.
George:
Then who is?
Condi: Yes,
sir.
George:
Yassir?
Condi: No,
sir.
George:
Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
Condi:
Kofi?
George: No,
thanks.
Condi: You
want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You
don't want Kofi.
George: No.
But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the
U.N.
Condi: Yes,
sir.
George: Not
Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi:
Kofi?
George: Milk!
Will you please make the call?
Condi: And
call who?
George: Who
is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu
is the guy in
George:
Will you stay out of
Condi: Yes,
sir.
George: And
stay out of the
Condi: Kofi.
George: All
right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi
picks up the phone.)
Condi:
Rice, here.
George:
Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to
the guy in
A woman
rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house yelling to her
husband: "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All $21 million -
all of it.... Wooooohoooo"
"That's
great sweetie!" he replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the
mountains?"
"Who
cares?" she replies, "Just fuck off !!!"
Are You Ready For The Working World?
This quiz consists of four
questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional.
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not
that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe
into a refrigerator?
...
The correct answer is: Open
the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether
or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an
elephant into a refrigerator?
...
Incorrect answer: Open the
refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator
remove the giraffe and put in the elephant and close the door. This question
tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting
an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not
attend?
...
Correct answer: The elephant.
The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of
comprehensive thinking.
OK, if you did not have the
last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your
qualifications to be a professional.
4. There is a river filled
with crocodiles. How do you cross it?
...
Correct answer: Simply swim
through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question
tests your reasoning ability.
So......
If you answered four out of
four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await
you.
If you answered three out
of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.
If you answered two out of
four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.
If you answered one out of
four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any
money.
If you answered none
correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions
at all, such as law or politics.
Little Johnny sees Daddy's car passing the playground
and go into the woods. Curious he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a "Passionate Embrace".
For little Johnny, this is so exciting that he can
hardly contain himself and runs home and starts to tell his Mother excitedly;
"I was at the playground when I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with
Aunt Jane. I went back to look for him and saw him giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
then he helped her take off her shirt then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take off his
pants. Aunt Jane then laid down on the seat and then Daddy...
At this point Mommy cuts him off and said,
"Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of
it for suppertime to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
tonight."
That night at the dinner table, Mommy asks Little
Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts the story describing the car going into
the woods, the undressing, the laying down on the seat and.. "then Daddy
and Aunt Jane did the same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was
in the army!"
...
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before
interrupting!!!
Green Dog
Read Each One Carefully and
Think About It a Second or Two!
1. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one
who is, won't make you cry.
2. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you
want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
3. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand
and touches your heart.
4. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting
right beside them knowing you can't have them.
5. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you
never know who is falling in love with your smile.
6. To the world you may be one person, but to one
person you may be the world.
7. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't
willing to waste their time on you.
8. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people
before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will
know how to be grateful.
9. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it
happened.
10. There's always going to be people that hurt you so
what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you
trust next time around.
11. Make yourself a better person and know who you are
before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
12. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you
least expect them to.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
True friends: How many people actually have 8 true
friends?
Hardly anyone I know! But some of us have all right
friends and good friends!!!
Revised: Cow Economy
The working styles of the global corporations and it
is so true...
TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd
multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other
to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You
then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them
worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live
for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are... You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them
again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You
charge others for storing them.
CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who
reported the numbers.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows, but declare only one. The European
Union subsidises you to buy another cow, then pays you cull your cows because
there is an oversupply of milk. You pocket the money, sell the cows and get
subsidised by the EU to buy them back because there is a milk shortage.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the
shepherd's pie, please.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with
an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation
declares bankruptcy.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law
at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer
so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The
milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda
cute...
A NEW ECONOMY CORPORATION
You have no cows, but you have a fantastic business
plan.
I was
happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to
get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and
my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was
only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law
to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who
sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day,
she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. She was
alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married,
and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I
get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me
just once...
What could
I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to
the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her
delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood
there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I
opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and
with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you
have passed our little test.
We couldn't
have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!
Lesson
learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting
over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III "
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to
happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why
kill a blonde with big tits?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and
says, "See, smart ass, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million
Iraqis!"
Men's five most feared questions:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every
one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is
analyzed below along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm
sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a
warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I
am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the
true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered
by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was
thinking, I would be talking to you"
Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you
feel a more detailed answer is necessary, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, sh/t loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?
Question #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course
not!!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly
thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you
d. I've seen fatter
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking
about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:
"Of course not!!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking
about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course
is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat") No matter how you answer this, be
prepared for at least an hour of follow up questions, usually along these
lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (Makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them
with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Sh/t.
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that
she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the
drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig
that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a
call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of
their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably
dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits
in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed
me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family
situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories and a 2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage...
At this point, the father, who had remained
silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll
f*ck her again!
Why are men thinkers and women talkers?
Because men have two heads and women have four lips!
Student Suspended Over Suspected Use of PHP
"A teacher overheard him say that he was using
PHP, and as part of our Zero-Tolerance policy against drug use, he was
immediately suspended. No questions asked," said Principal Clyde Thurlow.
"We're not quite sure what PHP is, but we suspect it may be a derivative
of PCP, or maybe a new designer drug like GHB."
Parents are frightened by the discovery of this new
menace in their children's school, and are demanding the school do something.
"We heard that he found out about PHP at school on the internet. There may
even be a PHP web ring operating on school grounds," said irate parent
Carol Blessing. "School is supposed to be teaching our kids how to read
and write. Not about dangerous drugs like PHP."
In response to parental demands the school has
reconfigured its internet WatchDog software to block access to all internet
sites mentioning PHP. Officials say this should prevent any other students from
falling prey like Brett Tyson did. They have also stepped up locker searches
and brought in drug sniffing dogs.
Interviews with students suggested that PHP use is
wide spread around the school, but is particularly concentrated in the geeky
nerd population. When contacted by BBspot.com, Brett Tyson said, "I don't
know what the hell is going on dude, but this suspension gives me more time for
fraggin'. Yee haw!"
PHP is a hypertext preprocessor, which sounds very
dangerous. It is believed that many users started by using Perl and moved on to
the more powerful PHP. For more information on how to recognize if your child
may be using PHP please visit http://www.php.net.
Bush's
By MAUREEN
DOWD
The
diplomatic motorcade pulled up to the White House yesterday with great fanfare.
The two Marine guards at the door of the colonnaded West Wing saluted smartly.
TV cameras pressed close to get pictures of the vital American ally alighting
from the black sedan for his one-on-one with President Bush.
It was a
summit of the two great strategic partners,
As the
world's only remaining superpower was conferring honor upon one of its only
remaining friends,
To get
Saddam, the Bush administration has dizzily turned the world upside down and
inside out.
Our new
best friends are the very people we used to protect our old best friends from.
During the cold war, we safeguarded Old Europe from the Evil Empire. Now we
have embraced the former Soviet Bloc satellites to protect us from the Security
Council machinations of our former paramours France and
The
It's the
battle of the pipsqueak powers: we dragoon
The
Bulgarians used to be the lowest of the low here. In 1998, just before the
visit of the Bulgarian president, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of
Now
Secretary Don Evans flies off to
In
diplomatic circles, our new allies from
The
Bulgarians were such sycophants to
Mr. Bush
will not be the only one having trouble with the Bulgarian prime minister's
name. We all will. In some press reports it's spelled Simeon Saxcoburggotski,
and in others Simeon Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. The tall, balding, bearded prime
minister was formerly King Simeon II, a deposed child czar. He is a distant
relative of
Is this a
good trade, the French for the Bulgarians?
Sketchy
facts about Bulgaria rattle around: It has a town called Plovdiv; it wants to
become big in the skiing industry; its secret service stabbed an exiled
dissident writer in London with a poison-tipped umbrella - a ricin-tipped
umbrella, in fact; its weight-lifting team was expelled from the Olympics in a
drug scandal in 2000; it sent agents to kill the pope.
During the
cold war
Three
famous Bulgarians: Carl Djerassi, who invented birth control pills; Christo,
the original wrap artist; Boris Christof, the opera singer. In "
Avis
Bohlen, a former second-in-command at the American Embassy in France and an
ambassador to
Ms. Bohlen
is dubious about the Bush administration's volatile snits at old allies.
"You can't build a foreign policy on pique," she says.
She says
So, we
don't need French wine after all.
Three guys were captured in
They were about to be executed when the USC grad
remembered that Iraqis were afraid of natural disasters. Right before they were
about to shoot him, he yelled, 'Earthquake!' The Iraqis ran and the the USC
grad escaped.
Later, when the UNC grad was about to be executed, he
remembered what the USC grad had done, and he yelled, 'Flood!' All the Iraqis
ran and the UNC grad escaped.
The Clemson grad realized what the two had done and
planned to do the same. When the time came for his execution, he confidently
yelled, 'Fire!'
You are definitely a Greek if:
You can distinguish between kefalotiri and
kefalograviera
You can spell kefalograviera
You are an adult and are forced to be with your family
at 12midnight on new years eve
Your grandmother/mother/aunt has a miracle cure for
everything
Your mother or father still feels the need to tell
you, "katse kala" in public
You have ever been hit with a pandofla
You can dance kalamatiano, tsamiko, zebekiko without
music
At every point in your life were not talking to at
least one family member
You must name your children after your in-laws
You have at least 5 Maria's and 9 Dimitri's in your
family as a result of the above
You have ever heard the phrase, "Sto leo yia to
kalo sou"
You have a bottle of OUZO in your house right now
You know what a komboloi is
You know how to work a komboloi
You have been threatened to be eaten by the
baboola/yero/pontiki when you were little
Someone in your family owns any type of restaurant
Your family inheritance includes olive trees
You can't understand why McDonald's rejected your idea
for the "McFeta" sandwich
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police
officer. The following
exchange takes place....
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his
wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your
broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken
taillight!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for
weeks. [Man gives his wife another dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not
wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up
to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn
mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does
your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
What Your Car Says About Your Personality.
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick
of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
AMC - Ain't My Car
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of
people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions
when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet Cavalier - Absolute LEGEND!
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to
overthrow the government
Chrysler
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel
well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and
I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to
get this car
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely
ejaculate
Ford Explorer - I will not be caught dead in a mini
van
Ford
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible
is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically
a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice
suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power
or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car
that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of
Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for
an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a
son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an
eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means
either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce
proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm
going to make a fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted
List
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch penis.
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that
otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a
tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car
even more inferior than Isuzu
Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family
reruns
Volkswagen Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagen Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife
---------------------------------------
*NOTE* This
doesn't reflect my opinions, I just thought some of it was pretty funny. Seems
like the guy who wrote this was more a Chevy guy.
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants
with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down
next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless
started up conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "Do you
Australian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered
during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In
the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle them, transform them into croissants, and sell them to
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian
listened in silence!
The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the
bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of
course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said,
"We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all
the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into
jam and sell it to
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in
the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we
do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked,
"And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away of course." replied the
American.
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We
don't in
An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in
a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his
beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots a glass to pieces
and says "In Sath Afrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to
drink from the same one twice"
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his
beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun ans shoots the glass to
pieces and says "Well mate in 'straaaaaaaailia we have so much sand to
make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice
either".
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer
and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the
South African and the Australian and says "In London we have so many
f***ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the
same ones twice."
Hearing so many people speaking ill about his
intelligence level, George W. Bush Jr. decided to get his brain checked.
The physician diagnosis was:
"Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and
the right, like all normal people. But the problem is: in your left brain,
there is nothing right and in your right brain, there is nothing left!"
After the Turkish Parliament voted to disallow
American troops in
"I had a dream about the
"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush.
"Long live Turkish-American friendship."
answered the Turkish prime minister.
"I'm so glad you called" said President
Bush. "I, too, had a dream. In my dream, I saw
"What did the banner say?" Asked Mr. Ecevit.
"I don't know," answered the president,
"I can't read Greek."
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking
about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you
know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent,
Ecologist."
The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you
know...
Double Income, No Kids Yet."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are
you?"
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
A lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses
around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed,
she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and
hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right
now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is
"Andre," a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you
today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that
if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the
price."
I guess
that sometimes wishes come true...
GUARANTEED
TO MAKE YOU SMILE... ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE STORY.
ON
HIS FIRST
WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE
GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST
BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK,
MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE
AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN
SPACE PROGRAMS. OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE
"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST
SMILED. ON
IN 1938
WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A
"SEX!
YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
TRUE STORY.
Fcuknig amzanig...
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt
tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Fcuknig amzanig huh?
Subject: English for Austrionics in
The New California Governor has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather
than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, The
Terminator's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as
"Austro-English" (or, if nobody will be offended,
"Austrionics")..
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft
"c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The
hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should
klear up konfusion, and keyboards
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the
"f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre
that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful
and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with
"v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be
dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a
reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!
If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl.
This is a test of your morality.
You have to scroll down rather slow to keep the test
effective. If you answer truthfully you can test your own morals and humanity.
There's only one question in this test but it's a
crucial one.
Here goes.
You're in
....to be more presice, in
Around you is a massive, stormbrought, flood...
....there's water all around you...
....You're a CNN reporter...
And you're in the middle of this splendid disaster....
It's almost hopeless.....
And you're trying to get good photos....
There's houses and people disappearing into the flood
around you....
Nature shows it's full force..
And destroys everything with it....
Suddenly you see a man driving a pickup.....
He's struggling to keep from getting swept away by the
mud and water....
You move closer....
He seems like someone important....
Then you notice it's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the water masses are
about to sweep him away....for good....
You have two choices: You can save his life or take a
picture that will win you the Pulitzer price for sure......
A picture of the death of one of the most influencial
men alive....
And now the question(be honest):
Do you print the photos in color or black and white?
The Vasa: A Disaster Story with Sofware Analogies
Linda Rising
I have spent some time leading postmortem meetings
where projects (successful and otherwise) would examine possible causes for the
fate of the project. We would look for things that should be repeated on other
projects but usually the focus was - all the things that went wrong. Most of
the time this list of gotchas contained nothing new -just those good things we've
learned in the past but can't seem to remember to apply in the current project.
Those of us who work in the wonderful world of software are continually berating
ourselves for not perfecting our engineering discipline (if it truly is an
engineering discipline but that's another discussion). Other engineering
approaches seem to work better than ours or at least that's what we think and
certainly others have told us.
I recently visited a fascinating museum in
Boy! Does this sound familiar! Finally, the contract
is signed and then there are delays. Of course, during the delay, the end date
is never pushed out but hangs in the air, clearly visible to all, unyielding,
carrying messages of weeks of overtime, missed vacations, pressure galore! Then
the delay ends and the rush is on. No one can work hard enough or fast enough
because you're already behind.
I've never had to deal with a king as a customer but I
have seen high-level managers who wanted to move the schedule up and change the
requirements! Of course, with a very high-level person, it's very difficult to
“push back” without losing the contract! In this case, the high-level person
was not only changing requirements but wanted to get involved in the details
and specify keel length! It seems this particular king had a special interest
in shipbuilding - wouldn't you know it! It's true that leaders in those days
were closer to the action. It's only in modern warfare that the general sits
back and plays more of a director role. In the 1600s the leader would have been
in the thick of it. That's probably why so many kings lost their lives in those
decisive battles!
How often has this happened? The customer sets out an
original set of requirements - then come the changes. While we're trying to see
which changes can be incorporated and management and marketing folks are
working to see if the customer can be flexible about any of the requests - the
customer counters by changing the very requirements that we have started to
implement!
Late 1625, the builder, Henrik Hybertsson, became
seriously ill
Spring 1627, Henrik Hybertsson died. His assistant,
Hein Jacobsson, took over his responsibilities. During the transition period,
shipbuilding management suffered. A terminally ill manager tried to make
decisions and his assistant tried to understand what he could do and what his
sick boss wanted to be consulted about.
The illness or death of a key person on a project can
have a profound affect. I have never experienced this but I remember reading
about a similar incident on the
Modern building contracts contain detailed
descriptions of the ship. In the 1600s there were no drawings and the
descriptions in the contracts were very sketchy -especially for the armament.
The following is the initial list of the armament planned for the Vasa. Note
the specifications are given in terms of the weight of the projectile it fired,
e.g. a 12-pounder fired a 12 pound cannonball.
24 12-pounders
36 24-pounders
8 48-pounders
10 small guns
This was way too much for the single enclosed deck and
the open deck planned for the Vasa.
The word on the street was that the Danes had built a
ship, the Sancta Sophia, similar in size to the Vasa but with two enclosed
decks with ports for 50 guns. (In reality she only carried 40. On hearing this,
the king decided that the Vasa must also have two gun decks. She was the first
ship in
Customers who want something because they have heard
that someone else is going to have it and the customers want it first! It doesn't
matter whether the thing is technically feasible - not a consideration! Whether
it conflicts with existing requirements - not a consideration! Whether the
resulting product will meet other performance requirements - not a
consideration!
When the builder received the order to add another
closed deck, the hull was already under construction. Hein Jacobsson testified
that he built the Vasa one foot five inches wider than originally planned but
since the bottom was already fixed this contribution to stability was
negligible. In other words, the ship was not really adequate to hold the weight
of the armament that two enclosed decks would carry, despite the best effort of
the builder.
The developer tries desperately to make the
requirements real. He adds kludge after kludge to make the customer happy. Why
don't developers push back? Well, in the case of the Vasa, that was impossible.
No one pushes back on the king! You would have to leave the country and maybe
the region to ever work again! Most of our customers aren't kings but we
certainly treat them that way.
The Vasa was also the first Swedish warship with a
real brick oven - another innovation and more weight. But wait, we're not
finished, there's still more weight to come. In 1628, the king again changed
the requirements, asking for even more armaments:
30 24-pounders (a reduction, since the lower deck
could only have 30 gun ports)
30 12-pounders (increased from 24)
8 6-pounders (added)
4 48-pounders (whoa!)
In a final round of changes, the previous list was
replaced with 60 24-pounders, making the Vasa the first “all-big-gun” ship -
yet another innovation! These changes came too late to alter the upper gun
ports (they are smaller than those on the lower deck). The builder could only
hope that the deck and its beams would stand up to the weight of 60 large guns.
The requirement for 60 24-pounders was unrealistic
since the two enclosed gun decks only had 56 gun ports. In a series of notes in
the requirements document: the first specifies: 54 24-pounders, the second: 58
24-pounders, 12 12-pounders, and the third: 58 24-pounders, 8 12-pounders. The
12-pounders would have to have been placed on the upper, open deck. In the
third case, 8 of the heavier 24-pounders would also have to have been placed on
the upper deck. What a nightmare!
As I read through the chapter on the changing
requirements, I felt a strong bond with the poor builders who faced this
upheaval over 300 years ago. “This is reality in the current environment.” we
are told. “The world is changing so fast that customers can't know what they
want.” It seems this has been true for some time and that it's not a reflection
of any “current” trend but just a sign that customers and users have always
been customers and users.
In the final analysis, the number of guns was
determined by production - which was delayed!
In the end there are always limits and that will
determine what is delivered. It may be production. It may be the hardware.
Regardless of the detailed documentation and haggling, the final feature list
will probably depend on ordinary physical reality!
Most ships during this period of naval history were
pretty top-heavy. This was more the case for English ships than Dutch. Liberal
ballast was the only thing keeping most of them afloat. To allow this, the hull
had to be deep in the hold. Dutch ships were more of problem since they were
designed with flat-bottomed hulls to accommodate the shallow waters along the
Dutch coast. The Vasa was a hybrid-flat-bottomed (not much room for ballast)
but heavily built and armed.
Those close to the project were clearly concerned.
Admiral Fleming and Captain Hansson ordered a stability test but neither of the
builders was present or informed about the disturbing outcome. In the stability
test, 30 men ran from one side of the ship to the other. According to
testimony, “The first time, it heeled over one plank (an angle measurement),
the second time two planks, and the third time three planks.” At that point,
the Admiral ordered the testing to stop. An observer noted, “If they had run
across the ship one more time, she would have capsized.” The Admiral said at
the time that he wished, “that His Royal Majesty had been home.” Why didn't the
admiral or the captain stop the Vasa from setting out on her expedition? Why
did they allow families on board for the maiden voyage? The answer must have
been related to the great urgency. She was already behind schedule and the king
had ordered that “both the Vasa and [another ship] shall be ready by [July 25],
and if not, those responsible would be subject to His Majesty's disgrace.”
Stop testing because the results are not showing the
product in a favorable light? Deliver something that we know is full of bugs?
What software project has ever done that???
Neither the admiral nor the captain said anything
about the stability test in their testimony at the inquiry following the
disaster. The outspoken boatswain Matsson was the only one to mention it. He
added that the captain had told the admiral that the ship was unstable.
Clearly, the high-ranking project managers knew about the problems and did nothing.
This is a sad commentary. I don't like to think that
this can happen in any project. Usually management is under tremendous pressure
to produce something. They may allow the product to appear, even when they know
it won't perform. This is unethical behavior. In the case of the Vasa it
resulted in the death of the crew and innocent family members. I think we all
know that Peter Neumann [4] writes a column that catalogs software accidents,
including software deaths. I always wonder whether anyone knew of the potential
for disaster when the software was released and allowed it to be sent out
anyway.
Adding ballast improves the stability of a ship but at
a cost - the ship rides lower. If too much ballast is used, the gun ports will
be too close to the waterline. The admiral had already expressed his concern to
the boatswain that the gun ports were too close (3.5 feet he claimed, actual
distance was a little over 4 feet) to the waterline and instructed the
boatswain not to add more ballast. The boatswain testified that he went below
with a lantern to ensure that as much ballast had been added as possible,
despite the Admiral's instructions.
When the Vasa was constructed there were no scientific
means to determine stability or center of gravity (cog) or the actual weight of
ballast needed. Computer simulations based on measurements taken after the Vasa
was recovered show that the cog was 6.16 m too high. Additional ballast
sufficient to lower the cog might have saved the Vasa from capsizing in the
harbor but the disaster would only have been postponed, given the weight on
board. The actual weight of ballast on board was about 122 tons. Another 130
tons would have been needed to lower the cog the required amount. This would
have lowered the gun ports to about 3.5 feet - possibly unacceptable for the
admiral. Unfortunately, there was not room for the extra ballast in the hold.
Finally, the captain sailed a brand new ship with open
gun ports. The Vasa sank when water poured in through the open, lower gun
ports. It might have been wiser to test the new ship on her maiden voyage with
closed gun ports, but, again, this may have only delayed the disaster.
Summary
- The Vasa was initially specified as a small ship but
became a large ship.
- The building was delayed and then completed in
haste.
- Early plans show the Vasa with one enclosed gun deck
but she was completed with two - an innovation for the time - the first ship of
this kind.
- There was a continual changing of armaments without
regard to stability.
- The illness and death of the builder and the
transition to his assistant weakened project management.
- Changes in armament plans led to heavier armament
than the hull could carry and more than could be accommodated on one enclosed
deck.
- Gun manufacture was a bottleneck. Only 48
24-pounders were completed (but the weight was still too high).
- The hull was large, heavier than common practice.
- No scientific approach to stability was available.
The ballast was added by “feel” and only checked by one person.
- A stability test was carried out but the admiral and
captain did not act on its outcome.
- The gun ports should have been closed for the maiden
voyage.
What are the lessons for software developers? Hearing
all the problems in the building of the Vasa and empathizing with them - what
does that do for us? Did you find yourself nodding and muttering to yourself
while reading this? I heard lots of comments from people around me as we were
listening to our museum guide tell this story. “Politics as usual.” “The big
boss always gets his way.” “The same old story.” Lots of comments, lots of
people, lots of accents. It's the same the world over.
For me, the big revelation was seeing that we're not
alone, that other engineering disciplines really don't have it all figured out,
that the problems that cause disasters are a combination of technical and
political and they can all cause a project to fail. It's sort of a happy-sad
revelation. I'm happy that software isn't the only industry that struggles but
sad that we are all plagued with seemingly insurmountable difficulties.
Some might say that shipbuilding has improved in the
last 300 years and that disaster stories like the Vasa are rare. To this I
would have to reply, “You're right, ship building has improved! Was the Titanic
a ship? What about the Concorde?”
I don't want to end on a sour note because I believe
that sharing stories is good and that recognizing commonalities and talking
about problems is the first step to solving them. Henry Petroski [5] presents
several engineering disasters in his book, To Engineer is Human. Don't read
this, as I did, on a plane flying through a lot of turbulence! Now that my
version of story has been told, I hope we'll all remember the Vasa and learn
from the mistakes of the past.
References
1. Borgenstam, C. and A. Sandström, Why Vasa Capsized,
AB Grafisk Press,
2. The Vasa Museum
http://www.vasamuseet.se/indexeng.html
3. Glass, R., Software Runaways, Prentice Hall, 1997.
4. Peter Neumann's home page: http://www.csl.sri.com/neumann/neumann.html
5. Petroski, Henry, To Engineer is Human,
© 2001 The Software Practitioner, used with
permission.
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: "Send me a
brother".
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother"...
Women & Shopping
A store that sells husbands has just opened in
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a
husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1
- These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself,
"Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further
up?"
So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 -
These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's
great, but I wonder what's further up?"
And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be
more further up!"
And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor
sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good
looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh,
mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor
sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please.
Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice
day.
Dictionary Differences
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap
fastener on a woman's bra
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
another.
Male: Playing
cricket without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
one's partner.
Male: Leaving a
note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not
trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything
that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple
can achieve.
Male: Call it
whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
Male: A device
for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes
TEN THINGS TO STEAL FROM... THE GREEK
Text by Malika Browne
They are Europe's heaviest smokers (45% of the adult
population smokes), they consume more Scotch whisky per person than any other
country in the world, they have names like Adonis, they put on tracksuits just
to watch sport on television, they have a reputation of agreeing to but
ignoring EU regulations and last year their government banned all electronic
games across the country including ones on home computers, portable consoles,
and mobile phones. We have already stolen democracy, the Olympics, and most of
our words from them, but we still think there are a couple of things left that
we'd like to get our hands on...
Time
In
Cinemas
In summer, most cinemas in
Coffee
Known as Turkish coffee until 1974, when
Eating habits
Cross-generational dining, with grandma and small
children at the same table, is always more entertaining even if it does take
longer. But the Greeks aren't in a hurry where food is concerned; late-night
dining means sitting down to the evening meal no earlier than
Island hopping
Attempts at traffic solutions
Instead of an administration-heavy congestion charge,
The luck of being born female
Most Greek parents build a house for each daughter,
but not for their sons as they are supposed to marry a girl who will get a
house from her parents. Often it is also the daughter that inherits her
parents' or grandparents' house when they die. Do expectant Greek parents pray
for sons?
Nectar of the gods.
Wine from the Katogi winery - no wonder Dionysus was devoted
to the stuff.
Plate Smashing
The Greeks love to throw things. They throw carnations
to singers and smash glasses and dishes when beautiful girls dance the
zeibekiko or the hasapiko on the dance floor. Back in the '30s they used to
throw knives - a sign of respect and manhood - at dancers' feet. Due to
injuries, that tradition gradually changed to the present-day plate-throwing
tradition, which has stuck. Luckily the Greeks take their recycling seriously,
so it's not a complete waste!
Wacky beliefs
Superstitions and strong religious beliefs always make
life more interesting. When Greeks move into a new house, the local priest
comes over to exorcise and bless it. In
Products worth emigrating for
Bougatsa - a filo pastry custard pie sprinkled with
sugar and cinnamon, which one can buy from the early hours of the morning (very
welcome after clubbing)
Periptera: Incredibly useful street kiosks that stay
open late and sell everything from tobacco to cold drinks, maps, newspapers,
key rings, ice creams, worry beads, and hundreds of other things. It's always
worth asking if they have something as they probably will! There are around
46000 of these kiosks in
A dinner
conversation that went wrong ...
WIFE:
"What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"
WIFE:
"Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND:
"Of course I do."
WIFE:
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND:
"Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE:
"You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan).
WIFE:
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND:
"Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE:
"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND:
"That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE:
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND:
"No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - -
silence - - -
HUSBAND:
"Shit."
Subject:
Refuse Refusal!!!
Dear Sir /
Madam
Thank you
for your letter of
Despite
your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting
applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.
Therefore I will start work with your company on Monday 23 Februar at 8.30 am.
I look
forward to seeing you then.
Xxx
Subject: Bushes and Shames!
First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't
necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're
willing to kill.
- George W. Bush,
I think war is a dangerous place.
- George W. Bush,
You're free, and freedom is beautiful...and, you know,
it'll take time to restore chaos and order - order out of chaos, but we will.
- George W. Bush,
I described them [
- George W. Bush, showing that he believes all
countries are guilty until proven innocent, Ridgewood Country Club,
This is a -- a regional issue. I say a regional issue
because -- there's a lot of countries that have got a direct stake into whether
or not
- George W. Bush, having difficulty pronouncing the
word "nuclear," press conference, White House, Mar. 6, 2003
Now, we talked to Joan Hanover. She and her husband,
George, were visiting with us. They are near retirement - retiring - in the
process of retiring, meaning they're very smart, active, capable people who are
retirement age and are retiring.
- George W. Bush,
The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of
the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his
willingness to terrorize himself.
- George W. Bush,
I think the American people - I hope the American - I
don't think, let me - I hope the American people trust me.
- George W. Bush,
There's only one person who hugs the mothers and the
widows, the wives and the kids upon the death of their loved one. Others hug
but having committed the troops, I've got an additional responsibility to hug
and that's me and I know what it's like.
- George W. Bush,
I know the human being and fish can coexist
peacefully. - George W. Bush
There's nothing more deep than recognizing
It is white. - George W. Bush, asked by a child in
I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate
what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right. - George
W. Bush, in
But I also made it clear to (Vladimir Putin) that it's
important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we
blew each other up, the world would be safe. - George W. Bush,
They misunderestimated me. - George W. Bush, Nov. 2000
One of the great things about books is sometimes there
are some fantastic pictures. - George W. Bush
The woman who knew that I had dyslexia - I never
interviewed her. - George W. Bush, responding to a magazine article claiming he
suffered from dyslexia
Actually, I - this may sound a little
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The play was a great success, but the audience was a
disaster.
- Oscar Wilde
In a mere half century films have gone from silent to
unspeakable.
- Doug Larson
We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered
minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.
- Johann von Goethe
Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is
more likely to be female.
- Desmond Morris
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but
don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
- Groucho Marx
You must have taken great pains, sir; you could not
have been naturally so stupid.
- Samuel Johnson
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human
stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say
"no" in any of them.
- Dorothy Parker
Damn it, sir, it is your duty to get married. You
can't be always living for pleasure.
- Oscar Wilde
He was so narrow minded, he could see through a
keyhole with both eyes.
- Molly Ivins
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started
walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know
where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneris
I find television very educating. Every time somebody
turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
- Groucho Marx
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything.
That points clearly to a political career.
- George Bernard Shaw
A politician is a person who approaches every subject
with an open mouth.
- Adlai Stevenson
This book is both good and original, but the part that
is original is not good and the part that is good, is not original.
- George Bernard Shaw
Every word she writes is a lie, including
"and" and "the."
- Mary McCarthy on Lillian Hellman
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to
become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
- Fred Allen
Hah! I always knew Frank would end up in bed with a
boy!
- Ava Gardner, on Mia Farrow's marriage to Frank
Sinatra
I had no idea Stravinsky disliked Debussy as much as
this.
- Ernest Newman, on Stravinsky's "Symphony of
Wind Instruments" in memory of Debussy
There are some experiences in life which should not be
demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms
Requiem.
- George Bernard Shaw
Somebody should clip Sting around the head and tell
him to stop using that ridiculous Jamaican accent.
- Elvis Costello, on Sting
Religion is the source of all imaginable follies and
disturbances; it is the parent of fanaticism and civil discord; it is the enemy
of mankind.
- Voltaire
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat
overestimated his ability.
- Oscar Wilde
Don't tell me you're a Christian. Let me figure it
out.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to
laugh.
- Voltaire
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians.
Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
- Mahatma Gandhi
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who
has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their
use.
- Galileo Galilei
God is really only another artist. He invented the
giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
other things.
- Pablo Picasso
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to
love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
- G. K. Chesterton
Organized religion: The world's largest pyramid
scheme.
- Bernard Katz
Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff
of science or a dose of common sense.
- Chapman Cohen
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is
no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober
one.
- George Bernard Shaw
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
- Pablo Picasso
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Groucho Marx
I spent all day yesterday hitting myself. You see, I
hate everybody and I'm no exception.
- Tony Blackburn
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but
that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy - in a jar on my desk.
- Stephen King
An
American, a Brit and an Iraqi are one night having a beer.
The Yank
drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, Pulls out a gun and
shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In the states our glasses are so
cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Brit
obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls
out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In the British Isles
we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the
same glass twice either."
The Iraqi,
cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the
air, pulls out his gun and shoots both the Yank and the Brit. He says "In
Iraq we have so many Americans and Brits that we don't need to drink with the
same ones twice."
A Sunday
school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright
little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A mother
was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue
over who would get the first pancake.
Their
mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If
Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake,
I can wait.'"
Kevin
turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A father
was at the beach with his children when the four- year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the
sand.
"Daddy,
what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to
Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy
thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
THREE
ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
He never
got married.
He never
held a steady job.
His last
request was a drink.
THREE
ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
His first
name was Jesus.
He was
always in trouble with the law.
His mother
didn't know who his father was.
THREE
ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
He talked
with his hands.
He had wine
with every meal.
He worked
in the building trades.
THREE
ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
He called
everybody brother.
He had no
permanent address.
Nobody
would hire him.
THREE
ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
He never
cut his hair.
He walked
around barefoot.
He invented
a new religion.
AND
FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS GREEK:
He went
into his father's business.
He lived at
home until the age of 33.
He was sure
his mother was a virgin.
His mother
was sure he was God
Ask for salary increase
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to
increase his salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately.
I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given
$o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of
reply:
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays,
NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing
NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading
ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession.
After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
A Greek walks into a bank in
He says he' s going to
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,
he has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan. The bank' s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Greek for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the
Rolls into the bank' s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Greek returns, repays the $5,000
and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we
are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that
you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"
The Greek replies. "Where else in
Operator : Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have
your order?
Customer: Hello, can I order...?
Operator: Can I have your multi purpose card number
first, Sir?
Customer: It's eh..., hold on....6102049998-45-54610
Operator : OK... you're... Mr. Sheehan and you're
calling from
Customer: Yes, how did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator: We are connected to the system Sir.
Customer: May I order your Seafood Pizza...
Operator: That's not a good idea Sir.
Customer: How come?
Operator: According to your medical records, you have
high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir.
Customer: What..? What do you recommend then?
Operator: Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. You'll
like it.
Customer: How do you know for sure?
Operator: You borrowed a book entitled "Popular
Soybean Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir.
Customer: OK I give up... Give me three family sized
ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator: That should be enough for your family of 10,
Sir. The total is $ 49.99.
Customer: Can I pay by credit card?
Operator: I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir.
Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since
October last year.
Operator: That's not including the late payment
charges on your housing loan, Sir.
Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighborhood
ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.
Operator: You can't do that Sir. Based on the records,
you' ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today.
Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have
the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?
Operator: About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait
you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle…
Customer: What the...?
Operator: According to the details in system, you own
a Harley,...registration number E1123...
Customer: @#%/$@&?#
Operator: Better watch your language Sir. Remember on
15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language to a policeman...
Customer: (Speechless).
Operator: Is there anything else Sir?
Customer: Nothing... by the way... aren' t you giving
me that 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?
Operator: We normally would Sir, but based on your
records you' re also diabetic...!!!
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than
100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving
more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants
you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is
represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I- T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty
that:
While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and,
Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the
top.
A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an
exemplary married couple for 25 years, I will give you each a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with my
dearest husband"......said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and
abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment
and said: "Well......this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like
this only occurs once in a lifetime. So … I'm sorry my love, but my wish is ...
to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a
wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and abracadabra! Suddenly
the husband was 90 years old.
The moral of the story: Men might be bastards but
Fairies are Female!
Worth knowing about... If by any chance you find it
inaccurate please inform!
Heart Attack - Important. Please Read
Let's say it's
HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE
Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart
attack, without help, the person whose heart is beating improperly and who
begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing
consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing
repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each
cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from
deep inside the chest. A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two
seconds without let-up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating
normally again. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements
squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the
heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can
get to a hospital. Tell as many other people as possible about this. It could
save their lives!!!
A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail
sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life.
BE A FRIEND AND PLEASE SEND THIS ARTICLE TO AS MANY
FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE...
A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he
settles in, he glances up and sees one of the most beautiful woman he's ever
laid eyes on boarding the plane. He soon realises she is heading straight
towards his seat.
A wave of anticipation and lust washes over him. Lo
and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up conversation, he blurts out,
"Business trip or vacation?"
"Nymphomaniac Convention in
"Whoa!!!!!" He swallows hard and is instantly
crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen,
sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting with a bunch of
nymphomaniacs!!!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly
asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she says. "I use my
experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" He says, swallowing hard,
"What myths are those?"
"Well," she explains "one popular myth
is that Black men are the most well-endowed when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."
Another popular myth is that French men are the best
lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent".
Suddenly the woman becomes very embarrassed and
blushes.
"I'm sorry" she says, "I shouldn't be
discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his
hand. "Tonto Pappadopoulos!"
You gotta read this out LOUD!!!!!
Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss (or so they
say).
(Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!)
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk
abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the
trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't
hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna
crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your
mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the
hall...
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects
of Gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the
disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary
risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want
to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to
tell your Mom!
Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How
about you?
Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our
lives
God created the donkey and said to him:
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly
from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you
will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is
much. Give me only 20 years"
God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his
best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30
years. You will be a dog."
The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only
15 years."
God granted his wish.
God created the monkey and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch
to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. "
The monkey answered:
"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10
years."
God granted his wish.
Finally God created man and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on
the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all
the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."
Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years
is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that
the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused.
" God granted man's wish
And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, marries
and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his
back. Then when his children are grown, he lives 15 years like a dog taking
care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old,
he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and
from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of
his house yelling to his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the
lottery!
All £10,000,000...."Woooohooo!!!
That's great, sweetie" she replies.
"Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
"Who cares", he replies,
"Just f**k off!"
A married couple are driving along when they see a
wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it
up, and brings it into the car.
She says "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold.
What should I do?
"Her husband replies "Put it between your
legs to keep it warm. She asks, "What about the smell?" He says,
"Hold its nose."
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of
Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he
announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What
makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies,
"Gold, Silver and Bronze".
"What colour are you going to wear
tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it
would be nice if you came second for a change!!!
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down
in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye,
too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It
was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous
blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there So, instead of
saying, "I'd like two tickets to
So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, " Wow! This is
unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this
morning and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of
Frosties, honey."
But I accidentally said, "you ruined my life you
fat evil slag"."
Phone Tale:
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mummy near
the phone?"
"No,Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with
Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
"But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
Mummy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you to do.
Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the
house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the
little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed
with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and
went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and
he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool...
but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it,
so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool??? Is this 555-7039?"
The new American Marine Captain was assigned to an
Irish Regiment in a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first
inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the
Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
"Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As
you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have
…m-m-m...urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."
The American Captain says, "I can't say that I
condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real
problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to
bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain
stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it?
"Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies.
"They usually just ride the camel into town where
the girls are."
The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to
the Rabbi," and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
Yes," answered the Rabbi.
Well, Rabbi, " what do you do with the candle
drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We
actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle
maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat
disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he
thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these
matzo purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly,
"we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have
enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then,
they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how
to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do
with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered
the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have
enough we actually send them to The Inland Revenue.
"Inland Revenue .?," questioned the auditor
in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Inland
Revenue " ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like
you"
Dear Friend,
As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for
me, because, I believe everyone will die someday.
My name is sazo fenardo . I a merchant in philipines I
have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer.
It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and
right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.
I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for
anyone (not even myself) but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never
generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as
that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know
that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in
the world.
I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to
this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now
that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets
to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends. I
want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give
alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds
I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations
in the
The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge
cash deposit of u.s $ 18 million dollars, that I have with a finance/Security
Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatch it
to charity organizations.
I have set aside 20 % for you and for your time.
God be with you.
sazon fernando
Usual working day:
Wake up,
Nokia, Colgate, Nescafe, Hochland, Orbit.
Renault, Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia.
McDonalds, Coca-Cola, Orbit.
Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia. Renault.
Tuborg.
Tuborg.
Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg.
Nokia... Nokia.
Durex.
Colgate.
Windows 2000 source code leak
Windows Source Code
/* Source Code Windows 2000 */
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#include "backdoor.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big(16000000);
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if
(first_time_installation)
{
make_100_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of-OS2();
make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();
} //if
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if
(still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_31();
do_nothing_loop();
} // if
} //while
if
(detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if
(fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed,very_slow);
set_mouse(action,jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction,sometimes);
} //if
/*
printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1");
*/
/*
printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11");
*/
/*
printf("Welcome to Windows 95");
*/
/*
printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/*
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
*/
/*
printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");
if
(system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp",O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
} // while
create_general_protection_fault();
} // main
The following is the transcript of an actual radio
conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British
authorities off the north coast of
BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid collision.
US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees
to the North to avoid collision.
BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course
15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say
again, divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: Negative. I say again divert your course.
US Navy : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN'
THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH,
OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F**k off!
If your wife gets in bed wearing a GREECE T-shirt what
is she trying to tell you ?
Solution: "There is no way you are scoring
tonight !!!"
Computer Stupidities!!!
- Customer: "I have just received your software,
but I have these plastic things, what are they?"
- Tech Support: "Could you describe them
please?"
- Customer: "They are black plastic, thin, and
square."
- Tech Support: "Anything else?"
- Customer: "They have a metal bit on one
edge."
- Tech Support: "Disks?"
- Customer: "Well, I don't know, do I? I just
brought your package. What do I do with them?"
I see a horrible call ahead, and the customer is quite
irate already.
- Tech Support: "Put the disks in the
drive."
- Customer: "What's a drive?"
- Tech Support: "The slot in your machine that
looks just the right size for the disk."
- Customer: "Which machine?"
- Tech Support: "Do you have a hard drive?"
- Customer: "I have two boxes. One has a picture
on it."
- Tech Support: "Put the first disk in, metal
side first."
- Customer: "Ok. It's gone in."
- Tech Support: "Go to the 'start' button, then
run, then type 'setup'."
- Customer: "My computer isn't on. How do I turn
it on?"
- Tech Support: "Push the button by the drive to
eject the disk, and press the button that says 'power' on the machine without
the pictures on it."
- Customer: "Ok. Done."
- Tech Support: "Now put in the disk, go to
start, run, and type 'setup'."
- Customer: "Oh, it's all working now. Thanks,
but your software isn't very easy to use, is it?"
- Tech Support: "Do you have the icon on your
desktop?"
- Customer: "No. It's a thingy with buttons on
the shelf. Um, a modem."
- Tech Support: "Yes. I need you to look at the
software you are using though. What do you click on?"
- Customer: "Oh. Ok."
- Tech Support: "What's the name of the icon you
use to click on?"
- Customer: "The mouse?"
Gateway color codes their connectors as well as their
ports. Yet:
- Customer: "I'm looking at the back of the
system, and I don't know where to plug in the mouse. There are two holes that
are the same size as the mouse."
- Tech Support: "Ok, what color is the tip of the
mouse plug?"
- Customer: "
- Tech Support: "Do you see the orange 'hole' on
the back of the computer?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "That is where the mouse plugs
into."
- Customer: "Oh. How about the keyboard?"
- Tech Support: "What color is the plug on the
keyboard?"
- Customer: "Purple."
- Tech Support: "And do you see the purple 'hole'
on the back of the computer?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "That is where the keyboard plugs
in. The tips are color coded."
- Customer: "I see. How about the speakers?"
I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore
she had been using computers since forever.
- Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
- Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
- Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
- Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
- Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
- Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
- Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Pause.
- Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
- Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
- Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do,
right?"
- Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click
'OK'."
- Customer: "I thought you said to click
'Cancel'."
- Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
- Customer: "Oh."
- Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
- Customer: "Why?"
- Tech Support: "Because you clicked
'Cancel'."
- Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click
'Cancel'?"
- Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start
from the top."
- Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the
carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.
- Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to
click 'OK'?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Pause.
- Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it
labelled "BANG HEAD HERE."
- Tech Support: "Thank you for calling customer
service, and how may I help you?"
- Customer: "I can't get it to do."
- Tech Support: "Excuse me, ma'am?"
- Customer: "I can't get my Internet to do."
- Tech Support: "Let's check your setup."
- Customer: "Okey dokey."
- Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Do a double click on the 'My
Computer' icon."
- Customer: "I don't see that one."
- Tech Support: "What screen are you on, and what
does you desktop look like?"
- Customer: "Wood."
- Tech Support: "What's on your screen,
ma'am?"
- Customer: "A bunch of names."
- Tech Support: "Like what?"
- Customer: "Bill, George, Larry, Jim."
- Tech Support: "What screen are you on?"
- Customer: "I am on the one I'm on. I need to go
get my daughter. She's the computer guru of the family."
- Tech Support: "Great, thank you."
- April: "Hi, I'm April, and you are?"
- Tech Support: "Mike."
- April: "Mike. Cool, dude."
- Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
- April: "You will have to excuse my mother.
She's a little dense."
- Tech Support: "No problem."
- April: "How old are you?"
- Tech Support: "300 years old. I'm the
'Highlander.' Um, would you do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon?"
- April: "Sorry, I don't see that one."
- Tech Support: "What do you see?"
- April: "Bill, George, Larry, and Jim."
- Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you
using?"
- April: "Ninety-something I guess."
- Tech Support: "Erm. Shut down the computer and
reboot."
- April: "Ok...." (pause) "Done."
- Tech Support: "What does your screen say?
- April: "Bill, Larry, Jim, Barbie, and
Wimper."
- Tech Support: "Just for kicks, do a double
click on 'Bill,' and see what happens."
- April: "What is this?"
- Tech Support: "What did it do?"
- April: "It now has little folders: modems,
devices, etc."
- Tech Support: "Why was your 'My Computer' icon
named Bill?"
- April: "I wanted to name it something cute. Did
I screw up?"
My company develops an online education product for
which we provide email and phone support. A large amount of our users are
first-year college students, many of which have little or no computer
experience. Our product requires that you use IE or Netscape and is not
compatible with AOL's browser. This often causes some problems with our users
as many of them subscribe to AOL. This phone call had me laughing for a good
half hour and most of the other support staff in tears.
- Tech Support: "Good evening, how can I help
you?"
- Customer: "Uhh, yeah, I'm tryin' t' use this
here program t' take a course online, and it ain't workin'."
- Tech Support: "All right, what kind of computer
do you have? I want to make sure it's ok to run our software."
- Customer: "Uhh, well, it's my dad's computer,
and I don't know what it is. It jus' says COMPAQ on the front."
- Tech Support: "Ok, and you can connect to the
Internet, right?"
- Customer: "Yup, that's not the problem though.
I can't take muh course."
- Tech Support: "All right, what browser and
version do you use?"
- Customer: "Whut's a browser?"
- Tech Support: "It's the program you use to see
things on the Internet. Do you use Internet Explorer or Netscape?"
- Customer: "Uh, I dunno." (agitated)
"I don't know much 'bout this computer stuff. The school just said I hafta
do sum' muh courses on it."
- Tech Support: "Ok, well, when you connect to
the Internet and see information, is there a fancy 'N' in a box on the upper
right hand corner of the screen, or is it a blue 'e' with a stripe across
it?"
- Customer: "Uh, I don't see none of that."
- Tech Support: "Ok sir, do you know if you use
America Online to get on the Internet?"
- Customer: "Uh, no, ah use AOL."
A gentleman with a western accent called up saying
that he was not satisfied with our service and wished to cancel. After telling
him that he would need to call back during business hours and speak with
customer service, I asked if there was anything I could do to make the service
more satisfactory.
- Customer: "Well, I've had ya guys for months
now, and still I can't get connected."
- Tech Support: "Have you called us about this
before?"
- Customer: "Well, yes, a couple of times."
So I got his username and looked him up. Sure enough,
there were two tech logs under his name, so I read them briefly. Virtually
everything that could be checked had been checked. Something about the way he
was talking to me made me a little curious, so I continued to ask questions.
- Tech Support: "From what I can tell, the techs
have helped you doublecheck your settings and everything should be perfectly
fine. Do you use Netscape or Internet Explorer to connect?"
- Customer: "Well, now, I dunno. I just use the
stuff ya gave me. When I wanna get online, I click this here."
- Tech Support: "Can you be a little more
specific?"
- Customer: "I move the little arrow here and click."
- Tech Support: "Can you tell me what icons are
on your desktop?"
- Customer: "I ain't got no icons."
- Tech Support: (blink) "You don't? None at
all?"
- Customer: "Nope."
- Tech Support: "Well, ok. Do you have something
on your desktop that says, 'Shortcut to [our Internet service]'?"
- Customer: "No, I ain't got nothin' written like
that on my desktop."
- Tech Support: "Ok, um...can you tell me what's
on your desktop, then?"
- Customer: "Well, I gots me here a pencil, the
computer, and my coffee."
- Tech Support: "Um, all right...can you tell me
what you see on the TV part of your computer?"
- Customer: "On one side there's a buncha
pictures, and across the top there's words."
- Tech Support: "Good, sir, that's what I hoped
you would say. The little pictures are called 'icons,' and the whole screen
area that the little pictures are on is called the 'desktop.'"
- Customer: "Oh. Hell, is that what you meant? I
ain't the religious type, so don't keep no Marys or nothin' around."
- Tech Support: "Um, yes, that's what I was
meaning, sir. Now, on your screen, the desktop, do you see anything that says
'Shortcut to the Internet' or '[our Internet service]'?"
- Customer: "Why, yes I do. In fact, that's what
I click on when I try to connect."
- Tech Support: "And then what happens sir?"
- Customer: "Well, the computer makes all kinds
of annoying sounds, then pops up a little thing sayin' I'm connected."
- Tech Support: "Go--"
- Customer: (interrupting) "Now before ya say
anythin', I wantcha ta know it lies."
- Tech Support: "It what?"
- Customer: "The little thing sayin' I'm
connected. It ain't talkin' the truth."
- Tech Support: "Um...ok...what makes you say
that?"
- Customer: "Well, because after that nothin'
happens. Nothin' at all."
- Tech Support: "Excuse me?"
- Customer: "Well, it says I'm connected, but
nothin' else happens. I'm a patient man, but after about half an hour, my
computer finally gives up the truth an' says I'm not connected no more."
- Tech Support: "Have you tried using a web
browser, sir? Do you get any kind of errors when you try opening a web
page?"
- Customer: "I'm tellin' you, nothin'
happens."
- Tech Support: "All right. What do you use for a
web browser?"
- Customer: "I'm not quite sure whatcha
mean."
- Tech Support: "Netscape Navigator? Internet
Explorer? Do you use any programs like those?"
- Customer: "Now why would I need anything like
that? All I want to do is get connected."
- Tech Support: "Right sir, you are getting
conn--"
- Customer: "Now listen here, I just done told ya
that I'm not. I think I'd know if anything happened after I tried to connect.
By now I'm getting rather frustrated, but still I press on."
- Tech Support: "Ok, let me try to explain a
couple of things. First of all, when most people talk about 'surfing the web'
and 'getting on the Internet' they're usually talking about viewing web pages
on the Internet."
- Customer: "I follow ya."
- Tech Support: "In order to view these pages,
the person needs to run a web browsing program -- typically Netscape Navigator
or Internet Explorer. These turn the information on a web site into a format
that is understandable by an ordinary person."
- Customer: "So I need one of them ta get
connected?"
- Tech Support: "Actually, sir, you are already
getting connected. Once you get that 'connected' message, you need to open up a
web browser."
- Customer: "I do?"
- Tech Support: "Yes, sir. On your screen, do you
have a 'little picture' that looks like a big 'N' or do you have one that looks
like an 'e'?"
- Customer: "I got one what looks like an
'N'."
- Tech Support: "All right, sir, here's what I
want you to do: After hanging up with me, I want you to connect like you
usually do. Once you get that 'connected' box to appear on your screen, I want
you to click on the picture of an 'N'. If things still aren't happening after
that, go ahead and call us back."
- Customer: "All right, I'll try that, but I tell
ya: ain't nothin' gonna happen."
The customer never called back. He also did not cancel
his service the next day. The whole call took just over an hour and a half and
I was ready to pull my hair out at several points. After the call, though, we
were laughing over it for hours.
- Tech Support: "Ok you should now see a small
dialog box on your desktop."
- Customer: "I don't see any box on my
desktop."
- Tech Support: "Hmmm, are you sure? It looks
like a small window with an 'OK' button in the middle of it."
- Customer: "How can a window be in my
desktop?"
- Tech Support: "Sir, what are you looking
at?"
- Customer: "My desktop like you asked. There's
no box on it, just the computer. However I do have a small window at the top of
my wall, but I don't see anything that says 'ok'...."
Thinking quickly, I decided to palm the call off to
one of our younger support technicians, deciding this would be the perfect
"field trip" for him. I told the customer we would have a technician
drop by on site that afternoon to help him.
The following is what the unsuspecting young
technician experienced.
The customer's house appeared to be in the middle of
nowhere: there was nothing but barren land for miles in all directions. As he
approached the house, he noticed a ring of cows, dogs, chickens, and pigs
running loose and circling the house making an awful noise.
As he approached the house, he noticed a dead, half
eaten animal near the front of the house. Later, he learned, whenever the
customer needed to feed his dogs, he would step outside and shoot a calf.
Entering the house, the young technician noticed a
very large pet door in the door. This was so the dogs and pigs could come and
go as they pleased.
Inside the house was absolute filth. Mud and grime
covered the floor and the walls, pigs lay on the couch, and dogs sat on the
recliner chairs. The stench of filth was unbearable.
The customer took the technician to the back room,
where the computer had been set up. A chicken was nesting on top of the monitor
and droppings were running down the side.
It was too much. He ran, terrified out of his wits,
and never looked back. Later the tech called me from his home, where he was
still trying to wash the stench from his clothes. He hadn't been in our
ex-customer's house for even five minutes, and his clothes were ruined.
I work for Microsoft as a certified Word Professional.
One day I received a call from a woman who had much difficulty explaining
herself and even more difficulty understanding what I was asking of her.
- Tech Support: "Ok, what version of word do you
have?"
- Customer: "Virgin!?"
- Tech Support: "No, no...what VERSION do you
have?"
- Customer: "Huh?"
- Tech Support: "You know what? I don't care.
Let's move on."
Pointless bickering and senseless rambling about her
problem.
- Tech Support: "And how often does this
happen?"
- Customer: "Well, it doesn't happen all the
time, but when it happens, it happens constantly."
- Tech Support: "Uh huh."
I had to hit the mute button to avoid letting her hear
my agitated laughter.
The call lasted forty five minutes. I began to think
that she didn't really know what I was saying, nor had the intelligence to
question why I hadn't begun troubleshooting. Then I had an idea.
- Tech Support: "Well everything seems to be in
good standing on your system. Nice talking with you."
- Customer: "Oh, THANK YOU!! Thank you very
much!" (click)
I never really found out what her issue was.
- Tech Support: "Ok sir, we'll do a file search
to find it. Can you please click on Start, then Find, then--"
- Customer: "Don't talk down to me like that! I'm
not an idiot -- I know what I'm doing!"
- Tech Support: "Ok sir, please Start, then Find
to do a file search."
- Customer: "How do I do that?"
A former professor of mine was receiving a Javascript
error when trying to view a particular web page. In trying to determine why he
was having the trouble I asked what browser he was using.
- Me: "You may have an older browser. What
browser are you using?"
- Him: "Well, I don't have a brand new computer,
but it's not obsolete. I have Pentium 233 with 64 of the big ones."
- Me: "You mean 64 megs of RAM?"
- Him: "Yeah, RAM."
- Me: "Ok, but what browser are you using?
Internet Explorer or Netscape?"
- Him: "I have Windows 95."
- Me: "Ok, that's the operating system. What do
you use to look at a web site?"
- Him: "Oh, I'm using Office 97."
- Me: "Yes, but what browser? When you look at a
web site, what program do you use?"
- Him: "Office 97."
- Me: "Office 97 isn't a browser though. When you
double click on the icon to connect to the Internet, it opens a program that
lets you look at web sites on the Internet. What program opens? Internet Explorer
or Netscape?"
- Him: "My computer is not obsolete. I have
Pentium 233."
I never did find out what browser he uses.
- Tech Support: "Hold down the F2 key."
- Customer: "Where is that?"
- Tech Support: "On the left side of your
keyboard, above the two -- just right of the Escape key."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "So now we are in the System
Setup screen?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "All right. Hit your
Ctrl-Alt-Delete keys. Then your F2 key."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Now we are in the System
Setup?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Does it say, 'Loading Windows
95'?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Can you describe what is on your
screen?"
- Customer: "It's gray."
- Tech Support: "Just gray? It does not say
anything?"
- Customer: "No. Just gray...with blue and
white."
- Tech Support: "Are there letters on your
screen?"
- Customer: "Yes."
Aargh.
- Tech Support: "Read them to me."
- Customer: "C-o-p-y-r-i--"
- Tech Support: "Do they form words? Do the words
form phrases? Do the phrases form sentences?"
- Customer: "I suppose."
- Customer: "I'll have you know, I've never even
seen a computer before yesterday."
Great. Great start to a call. He wanted to install the
Internet connection software we have, so I had him insert the CD. "It
ain't workin'!" was all I heard for about two minutes of trying the drive
and checking to see if it was really there.
- Tech Support: "Sir, could you eject your CD for
a moment? We need to check if it's scratched."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Look on the bottom of the CD,
and see if there are any scratches on it."
- Customer: "On the bottom? Shouldn't we check
the top?"
- Tech Support: "Is the shiny side of the CD on
the top?"
- Customer: "Of course."
- Tech Support: "Ok, could you flip it over so
the shiny side is down and then insert it into the drive?"
- Customer: "Won't it scratch if I put it in like
that?"
- Tech Support: "No, it won't scratch."
- Customer: "Well, ok...."
He inserted the CD in the drive correctly, and then
his computer froze.
- Customer: "My computer froze! I told you it
would scratch the CD!"
- Tech Support: "I'm sure that's not the
problem--"
- Customer: "I can't believe you scratched the
CD."
- Tech Support: "Ok, sir, could you hold down
'ctrl' and 'alt', and then-- (clunking sounds) Hello? Hello, sir?"
There was no one on the line for a moment. Then he
spoke up again.
- Customer: "I've been holding 'ctrl' and 'alt'
for the past two minutes, and nothing is happening at all on my whole damn
computer, because you made me scratch the software."
- Customer: "My program doesn't work."
- Tech Support: "Which program are you
using?"
- Customer: "The one I use to get my work
done."
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, we support many different
programs, what's the name of the program you use?"
- Customer: "I don't know; it's the one that
comes up when I start my computer."
- Tech Support: "Can you tell me what you see on
the screen after you start your computer?"
- Customer: "No, I can't get the program to come
up so I can't tell you what's on the screen."
- Tech Support: "Is your computer on?"
- Customer: "Of course it's on! I know how to
turn on my computer!"
- Tech Support: "What kind of computer do you
have? Is it a PC, a Macintosh, an Xterminal, or a VT420?"
- Customer: "I don't know. You're the help desk
-- you're supposed to know that."
- Tech Support: "Uh. Have you tried rebooting
your machine?"
- Customer: (angrily) "I just told you I can't
get the program to run. What kind of help desk is this? I don't think you're
very helpful, and I'll have you know that I personally know one of the
programmers, and I'm going to call her since I know she'll be able to help
me!"
This woman calls in, having a problem with her video
card. Her initial rundown on the situation seems like she would know what she
was talking about. But no.
- Customer: "So when I go to boot my computer, it
just does nothing."
- Tech Support: "It just does nothing? So, when
you turn on your computer you just get a blank screen?"
- Customer: "Oh no, It comes up and counts my
memory, detects hard drives, etc."
- Tech Support: "Ok, then what happens?"
- Customer: "It doesn't do nothing."
- Tech Support: "It doesn't do nothing? I am not
sure I understand. Does it lock up at this point?"
- Customer: "Oh no, after that I get the screen
with the clouds that says 'Windows' on it."
- Tech Support: "Ok, so you turn it on, it starts
to boot up, then it goes to the splash screen with the clouds, and this is
where you are having problems? What happens here?"
- Customer: "It doesn't do nothing."
- Tech Support: "Ok, so can you even get in to
Windows? Will the system boot to your desktop?"
- Customer: "Oh yes."
- Tech Support: "All right, so, you turn on your
system, it counts your RAM, detects your drives, loads the splash screen, boots
into Windows, and then what?"
- Customer: "Nothing."
- Tech Support: "So what is the problem?"
- Customer: "The computer doesn't do
nothing."
- Tech Support: "Ok, I need you to be a little
more specific here because that so far, this is quite normal."
- Customer: "Oh yeah, all that stuff is
normal."
- Tech Support: "So again, what is the problem
anyway?"
- Customer: "My desktop is all washed out
looking."
I sent a JPEG from my recent vacation to my mother as
an email attachment. I then telephoned her to see if she was able to view it.
After attempting to get her to use the 'File/Open' command in Netscape, I
realized that my 'Open' dialog was different from hers, and so I couldn't talk
her through it. But I tried to determine which OS she was running.
- Me: "Do you know what operating system you're
running? Is it Windows 95 or Windows 3.1?"
- My Mother: "I don't know, but it must be
Windows 95."
- Me: "Ok, do you see a 'My Computer' icon on
your screen?"
- My Mother: "'My Computer'? What's that?"
- Me: "It's a picture of a computer with the
words 'My Computer' underneath it."
- My Mother: "I don't have that."
- Me: "It would be on the desktop."
- My Mother: (getting irate) "I don't know what
you're talking about."
- Me: "Mom, tell me what you see when you turn
your computer on."
- My Mother: "Nothing."
- Me: "You don't see anything? No words appear on
the screen? Nothing? Well, what do you see on your screen right now?"
- My Mother: "I don't see anything."
- Me: (getting frustrated) "You're staring at a
black screen? There's nothing there at all?"
- My Mother: "I'm not technical. I don't know
these things."
- Me: "I just want you to describe what you
see."
- My Mother: "I don't see anything. I just get on
here and clickity-click."
- Me: "I gotta go, Mom."
We have one
customer who is notorious in the tech support department. We all dread getting
a call from her. She is truly stupid when it comes to a computer.
- Tech
Support: "Ok, you are in C:\WINDOWS. We need to get to the A: drive. So
type 'A' colon and press enter."
- Customer:
"'A'? What's an 'A'?"
- Tech
Support: "It's the first letter of the alphabet. 'A' like apple."
- Customer:
"Ummm... what's an 'A'? I don't know what it is."
- Tech
Support: "Grade school, remember? The letter 'A'?"
- Customer:
"Oh, ok. Where is that?"
- Tech
Support: "Left side of the keyboard. Next to the 'S'."
- Customer:
"Ok...I think I found it. What do I do?"
- Tech
Support: "Press it. See what happens."
- Customer:
"Ok, I've got an 'A' now."
- Tech
Support: "Now press the colon. It's next to the 'L' key."
- Customer:
"How do I get it?"
- Tech
Support: "Hold down the 'shift' key."
- Customer:
"How to you spell that?"
- Tech
Support: "S-H-I-F-T. You have two of them. Near the space bar. Hold that
down and press the colon."
- Customer:
"I can't find the colon."
- Tech
Support: "It's to the right of the 'L'."
- Customer:
"How do I get it?"
- Tech
Support: "Hold the shift key and press the colon key."
- Customer:
"Oh, ok...I think I've got it."
- Tech
Support: "Good, now hit 'enter'."
- Customer:
"Where's that?"
This whole
conversation of two commands took almost an hour. I have no idea how this lady
ever made enough money to buy a computer. It amazes me how someone can forget
the alphabet. She's nice, but she's amazingly dumb.
A customer
wanted to set up his computer to download something from the Internet. So I
spent a nice chunk of time walking him through downloading Netscape and the
Plugin Pack and rebooting.
- Customer:
"So are we done yet?"
- Tech
Support: "Not yet."
I spent
still more time configuring TCP/IP for the LAN for him.
- Customer:
"So are we done yet?"
- Tech
Support: "Not yet."
I spent
still more time with him configuring access through the firewall and setting
his preferences. Netscape started fine at this point.
- Customer:
"So are we done yet?"
- Tech
Support: "Yes. Try accessing the site now."
- Customer:
"How do I do that?"
I spent
still more time with him explaining how to enter a URL.
- Customer:
"It's not working!"
- Tech
Support: "Where are you trying to go?"
He gave me
the address. I tried nslookup and whois on it, but they came up empty.
- Tech
Support: "I'm sorry, that site doesn't exist. Are you sure you wrote it
down correctly?"
- Customer:
"Well! All this was a waste of time! We've accomplished nothing!"
(click)
A customer
called complaining that his display wasn't working. (It turned out to be that
his monitor was out of sync.)
- Customer:
"I installed the video drivers and all I see is a postage stamp in the
center of the screen."
- Tech
Support: "Can you describe what you see?"
- Customer:
"I just told you, a postage stamp!"
- Tech
Support: "Does it look like your desktop?"
- Customer:
"Nope. Aren't you listening?? It looks like a postage stamp."
- Tech
Support: "Ok, let's reset the system back to VGA."
- Customer:
"What's that?"
- Tech
Support: "The default video settings...please hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete."
- Customer:
"What is that???"
- Tech
Support: "The three keys 'Control' and 'Alt' and 'Delete' pressed at the
same time."
- Customer:
"Oh, ok. Oh no! My screen went blank!"
- Tech
Support: "That's ok. When you see OS/2 in the upper left hit 'Alt' and
'F1'."
- Customer:
"'Alt'? 'F1'? Can you speak English?"
- Tech
Support: "Sir, these are keys on your keyboard."
- Customer:
"Oh."
- Tech Support:
(waits a minute for the system to finish booting) "Do you see the OS/2
logo yet?"
- Customer:
"Nope."
- Tech
Support: (waits another minute or two) "Anything yet?"
- Customer:
"Nope. Can I release the keys?"
Twenty
minutes later I found out he had a monitor that was only capable of VGA, and
then I spent another ten minutes trying to explain why he needed a better
monitor to display higher resolutions.
- Tech
Support: "Double click on 'My Computer', then on the 'Dial-up Networking'
folder."
- Customer:
"Where is it?"
- Tech
Support: "Excuse me?"
- Customer:
"Where is 'My Computer'?"
- Tech
Support: "In the upper left corner of your screen."
- Customer:
"Oh! Hey! That's pretty good!"
Twenty five
minutes later....
- Tech
Support: "Ok, now go to 'Options' and then 'Mail and News
Preferences'."
- Customer:
"Got it."
- Tech
Support: "Now click on the tab that says 'Servers'."
- Customer:
"I don't see it."
- Tech
Support: "What do you see on your screen?"
- Customer:
"Oh! There it is. I was looking on the keyboard."
- Tech
Support: "Ok, now read to me what's in the SMTP field."
- Customer:
"There's nothing there."
- Tech
Support: "Now we know why you can't get your mail. Type in
'mailhost.worldnet.att.net'."
- Customer:
"M-A-L-E-H-O-S-T..."
- Tech
Support: "No sir. It's spelled M-A-I-L-H-O-S-T."
- Customer:
"Ok...where's the dot?"
I wanted to
cry.
- Husband:
"Hi. I'm having a problem connecting to the Internet."
- Tech
Support: "Ok sir, what operating system are you using?"
- Husband:
"Oh...I'm really not sure...I'm not the computer expert. My wife is. She's
sitting at the computer. I'm going to dictate this to her." (pause)
"She says we use Windows 95."
- Tech
Support: "Ok. What exactly is the problem?"
- Husband:
"I can't connect."
- Wife: (in
the background) "We can't even get on -- the software is buggy!"
- Tech
Support: "Ok, what happens when you try to connect?"
- Husband:
"Ok, the Connect To: screen pops up, and it asks for my password."
- Tech
Support: "Did you put your password in?"
- Husband:
"Yes, and it keeps asking for it afterwards."
- Tech
Support: "Do you have your caps lock key on?"
- Husband:
"Yes, but that shouldn't make any difference."
- Tech
Support: "Uhm...go ahead and hit the caps lock key until the light goes
away."
- Husband:
"Are you sure? We've always got on with the caps lock key on."
- Tech
Support: "Yes, I'm sure."
- Husband:
"Oh, ok. It took my password."
- Wife: (in
the background) "I told you!" (They start arguing. She takes the
phone from him.) "HELLO?"
- Tech
Support: "Yes, hello, you should be all set from here."
- Wife:
"YES HI, I'VE BEEN USING YOUR DAMN SOFTWARE FOR I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW
LONG, AND I STILL CAN'T GET EMAIL FROM MY SON IN THE NAVY!"
- Tech
Support: "What program do you use for email, ma'am?"
- Wife:
"I use Windows 95! We already told you that!"
- Husband:
(in the background) "We already told her that, didn't we?"
- Tech
Support: "No, what mail application... such as Eudora, Netscape, Internet
Explorer..."
- Wife:
"Microsoft Netscape."
- Tech
Support: "Netscape?"
- Wife:
"Yes, Microsoft Netscape."
- Tech
Support: "Ok, open that up and go to Options, and then Mail and News
Preferences--"
- Wife:
"No, I want email! I don't want to surf the net!"
- Tech
Support: "Netscape comes with an email program, and we're going to set it
up now."
- Wife:
"Ugh. Fine. Whatever. We'll do it YOUR way."
- Tech
Support: "Ok." (explains how to set up popmail)
- Wife:
"I'm not getting mail."
- Tech
Support: "Do you have two phone lines?"
Suddenly I
hear the modem attempting to dial in.
- Tech
Support: (over the roar of the modem) "MA'AM? YOU ONLY HAVE ONE PHONE
LINE. DON'T TRY TO DIAL IN."
(beep click
click)
- Tech
Support: "You can't dial up with this line. It's already in use."
- Wife:
"I was always able to use it before YOU changed my settings!"
- Tech
Support: "No, you will just have to disconn--"
- Wife:
"You tech support people always mess up my settings, and then I have to
bring my computer back to [retailer] to get it fixed! You know, you cost me so
much money!"
- Tech
Support: "Ma'am, I didn't change any of your Internet settings."
- Wife:
"Yes you did, we just went through a NUMBER of things."
- Tech
Support: "All we did was--"
- Wife:
"I've had ENOUGH of your service. I'm going back to AOL." (click)
I got a
call from an older lady who stated that after installing our software, her
mouse would not work. After further questioning, I learned that she got a
message when booting the system that a device was not found. I had her power
off the PC, disconnect, and then reconnect the mouse. After rebooting, the
mouse functioned fine. But instead of thanking me, she asked me sourly,
"Why did your software unplug my mouse?" I attempted to explain to
the lady that that was not possible and that all it was was a loose connection.
It wasn't good enough for her. She put her husband on, who asked, "Why did
your software decide my computer didn't need a mouse?" Again, trying to
explain the loose connection was of little use, and he wanted another number to
call to return the software.
- Tech Support:
"So the mouse won't move?"
- Customer:
"No."
- Tech
Support: "Does the numlock or capslock work?"
- Customer:
"No."
- Tech
Support: "Ok, you'll need to hit the reset button."
- Customer:
"Ok."
- Tech
Support: "Is the system booting back up yet?"
- Customer:
"Ummm..." (pause)
- Tech
Support: "Is it rebooting?"
- Customer:
"I see a return button. Is that the one you want?"
- Tech
Support: "No, the reset button. It's on the front of the computer. You're
looking at the keyboard."
- Customer:
"Oh, umm... there's just one button, and it says 'power'."
- Tech
Support: "That's the monitor. The computer is that box that all those
things plug into."
- Customer:
"Umm... ohh! I see it now -- how silly of me. Ok, I pressed it."
- Tech
Support: "Is the system rebooting now?"
- Customer:
"No, it's still locked up."
- Tech
Support: "You're sure you pressed the button marked 'reset'?"
- Customer:
"Yes, it's right here next to the one labelled 'Form Feed'."
- Tech
Support: "Ma'am, that's the printer."
- Customer:
"Maybe you just need to come here and fix it."
- Tech
Support: "Ma'am, do you use any floppy disks?"
- Customer:
"Yes, I save all my letters on them."
- Tech
Support: "The computer is the thing you stick the disks into."
- Customer:
"OHHH!!!! It's under the desk... hang on. Well! Look at that; there's a
reset button. I pressed it, now my computer is acting like I just turned it
on."
- Tech
Support: "Ok, good."
- Customer:
"Wait, what's this button that says 'Turbo'?"
- Tech
Support: "That's there so you can slow the system down to run older
software and games."
- Customer:
"Is that why my system is so slow?"
- Tech
Support: "Is the yellow light on?"
- Customer:
"No."
- Tech
Support: "Press that button."
- Customer:
"WOW!!!"
- Tech
Support: "What?"
- Customer:
"My report didn't freeze up this time."
That turned
out to be the cause of her system locking up. It wasn't really locking up, it
was just going so slow it seemed that way, and she never waited long enough for
it to finish processing her reports.
- Customer:
"When I dial your service, the system asks me some questions and then it
kicks me off."
- Tech
Support: "What were the questions that it asked you?"
- Customer:
"I don't remember."
- Tech
Support: "Well, sir, if you don't remember what they were, I don't know
what the problem is and I can't help you."
- Customer:
"So I need to call you and go through this again after seeing the
questions again?"
- Tech
Support: "Yes."
- Customer:
"Can't I just keep you on while I call?"
- Tech
Support: "Is your modem on another line?"
- Customer:
"No, same line."
- Tech
Support: "Well, sir, you can't do it...it's like someone picking up the
phone now and dialing while we are talking."
- Customer:
"Can I at least try?"
He tried.
Twice. Ugh.
- Customer:
"My Internet doesn't work!"
- Tech
Support: "Ok, do you have an icon for Internet on your desktop?"
- Customer:
"An icon? Desktop?"
- Tech
Support: "Are you using Windows 95?"
- Customer:
"Don't know. You said Windows??? By the way, how do you type a capital 'e'
instead of a lower case 'e'?"
- Tech
Support: (crying) "Hold 'shift' while pressing 'e'."
- Customer:
"What is 'shift'??"
- Customer:
"My modem is not working."
- Tech
Support: "Ok. Let's start simply. Do you have a phone line running from
the back of the computer to the wall?"
- Customer:
"I have no dial tone when I pick up the phone."
- Tech
Support: "Do you have a phone line running from the back of the computer
to the wall?"
- Customer:
"I bought this new computer, it's got (reads from store receipt) and 32
megs of RAM. But it won't work."
- Tech
Support: "Ok. Tell me how you have it set up right now."
- Customer:
"Well, I have it setting next to the phone, and the phone line is hooked
into it."
- Tech
Support: "Is anything running into the wall?"
- Customer:
"No."
- Tech
Support: "So you have the computer sitting next to the phone, the phone
line running into the computer, and that's it?"
- Customer:
"Yes. Am I supposed to plug the computer in?"
- Tech
Support: "Yes, it needs to be plugged in so the modem can dial."
- Customer:
"What's a modem?"
My boss
sent an update of our current program via modem to all of our online customers,
with instructions to call in and be walked through the upgrade if they needed
it. He had to leave the office for a few hours, so he gave me instructions on
how to start the upgrade once they had downloaded it.
I got a
call while he was away. Details you should know: the lady who called me for
instructions was not the person who was operating the computer. That person was
on the other side of the room, and everything had to be relayed through the
lady on the phone. For reasons of brevity, I won't bother typing out every
sentence being repeated several times back and forth.
- Customer:
"We got your program, along with a note that we were supposed to
call...?"
- Tech
Support: "Ok, I can help you with that. Type [the command] and press
Return."
- Customer:
"It says that file doesn't exist."
- Tech
Support: "Huh? Ok...are you in the [directory] directory?"
- Customer:
"Yes."
- Tech
Support: "Hmmm. Let's try this again, just to be sure."
I spelled
out the command exactly and got her to read it back to me before she hit
Return. But she got the same error.
- Tech
Support: "All right, let's make sure the program is installed in the right
directory. Could you take a look in the directory tree and let me know what you
find in--"
- Customer:
"Tree? TREE?? There's no trees anywhere near my computer! Whaddaya mean a
tree might have caused the problem???"
Needless to
say, that took a while to straighten out. Anyway, it turned out the upgrade
wasn't in the directory at all.
- Tech
Support: "Did you receive the program OK? No error messages or anything
popped up during the transmission?"
- Customer:
"Oh no, everything went fine. I've got it right here in my hand."
Sigh.
Someone had transferred the download to disk in order to install it on a second
computer, handed it to her, and told her to call us. Apparently it never
occurred to her to get the program on the computer somehow before calling.
- Tech Support:
"What do you have connected to the back of your computer?"
- Customer:
"I have a printer, a modem and the System 7 module."
- Tech
Support: "Excuse me, but could you repeat the last item?"
- Customer:
"The System 7 module."
- Tech
Support: "The System 7 what?"
- Customer:
"It's the module to upgrade the system to 7.5."
- Tech
Support: "...and it plugs into the back of your computer?"
- Customer:
"Yes."
- Tech
Support: "Does this 'module' plug into anything else?"
- Customer:
"It plugs into the wall outlet."
- Tech
Support: "Ma'am, that's the power cord."
- Customer:
"No, I can see the power cord, and this module is plugged in right next to
it."
- Tech
Support: "Ma'am, there is no such thing as a System 7 module."
- Customer:
"Oh my goodness, I'm sorry, I forgot. It's the power supply to the
HyperCard."
- Tech
Support: "Ma'am, HyperCard does not have a separate power supply. Would
you mind following the cord from the outlet until you find what it plugs
into?"
- Customer:
"Ok."
Ten minutes
later...
- Customer:
"It hooks into the printer."
This call
took more than 45 minutes, in case you wanted to know why there are hold times
on support numbers.
- Customer:
"I haven't had sound for about a month."
- Tech
Support: "What kind of speakers do you have?"
- Customer:
"They are stereo."
- Tech
Support: "Ok, do they plug into the wall?"
- Customer:
"No."
- Tech
Support: "So they are the little boxes that don't attach to the
monitor?"
- Customer:
[angrily] "Yes."
- Tech
Support: "Ok, let's see if maybe the speakers are the problem. Do you have
a music CD?"
- Customer:
"Yes."
- Tech
Support: "Would you go get it?"
- Customer:
"Sure." [clunk clunk clunk] "Do you want one that came with the
computer?"
- Tech
Support: "No, I need a music CD."
- Customer:
"I think 'The Animals' has music."
- Tech
Support: "Ok, maybe I am being unclear, I need a regular CD not a cdrom --
one you buy at a music store."
- Customer:
"I have a Garth Brooks CD, but I bought it at a swap meet."
- Tech
Support: "That's great; that CD will work."
- Customer:
"I go to swap meets all the time to get great deals on stuff. We don't
ever go to the music stores."
We get the
CD playing with AudioStation, but there's no sound.
- Tech
Support: "Ok, let's check the volume."
- Customer:
"I already checked the damn volume when it stopped making sound a month
ago!"
- Tech
Support: "I understand. Let's just double check it real quick."
The volume
level turns out ok, and the sound's not muted.
- Customer:
"I'll just turn it all the way up.... Nope, can't hear a damn thing."
- Tech
Support: "It looks like you are ok there, now let's check those
speakers."
- Customer:
"Ok, but you might as well replace the whole damn thing right now."
- Tech
Support: "I'll be happy to replace anything that needs replacing. I just
want to make sure we get everything working for you."
- Customer:
"All right."
- Tech
Support: "Now those speakers...they are all hooked up? The left connects
to the right and then the right connects to the computer?"
- Customer:
[obviously without checking] "Yup."
- Tech
Support: "Ok. And they are turned off right?"
- Customer:
"...Listen to me you little..."
I endure a
three minute profanity/threat combo.
- Customer:
"...Of course they are turned on! Now you--"
- Tech
Support: "Whoa, slow down a sec...I want you to turn them to the off
position, please."
Country
music blares. The rest of the conversation takes place shouting over it.
- Customer:
"Heck son, I don't believe it! What was the problem?"
- Tech
Support: "The batteries must be dead."
Computer
Stupidities 2 !!!
- Tech
Support: "Welch Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
- Customer:
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
- Tech
Support: "What sort of trouble?"
- Customer:
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
- Tech
Support: "Went away?"
- Customer:
"They disappeared."
- Tech
Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
- Customer:
"Nothing."
- Tech
Support: "Nothing?"
- Customer:
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
- Tech
Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
- Customer:
"How do I tell?"
- Tech
Support: "Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?"
- Customer:
"What's a sea-prompt?"
- Tech
Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
- Customer:
"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
- Tech
Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
- Customer:
"What's a monitor?"
- Tech
Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
- Customer:
"I don't know."
- Tech
Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
(Rustling
and jostling heard in the background.)
- Customer:
[muffled] "Yes, I think so."
- Tech
Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."
- Customer:
"Yes, it is."
- Tech
Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
- Customer:
"No."
- Tech
Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."
(Rustle,
rustle.)
- Customer:
[muffled] "Ok, here it is."
- Tech
Support: "Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."
- Customer:
[still muffled] "I can't reach."
- Tech
Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
- Customer:
"No."
- Tech
Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?"
- Customer:
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's
dark in here."
- Tech
Support: "Dark?"
- Customer:
"Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
- Tech
Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."
- Customer:
"I can't."
- Tech
Support: "No? Why not?"
- Customer:
"Because there's a power outage."
- Tech
Support: "A p-!" [AARGH!]
I used to
work as a salesman for a computer wholesaler a number of years ago. I got a
call from a woman who was fit to be tied. She found out that the person who
sold her the computer bought it from our company and called us to complain.
- Customer:
"I need help with this computer!"
- Tech
Support: "Well what do you need to know?"
- Customer:
(screaming) "Well I bought this damn computer from this guy who says he
bought it from you and he came to my house and hooked it up. Now while he's
explaining to my daughter how to use it, she's telling him 'yeah, yeah,' she
knows what he's talking about. I'm in the kitchen cooking peppers and onions
while my daughter is going 'yeah, yeah,' then this guy leaves, and I ask my
daughter if she knows how to use the computer, and she says she was too
embarrassed to tell him she didn't understand and just told him 'yeah, yeah.'
Now I paid over $1000 for this thing and I don't even know how to use it!"
- Tech
Support: "Uh, well is there anything in particular you want to know how to
do?"
I never
anticipated her answer.
- Customer:
"I wanna make a tennis game."
- Tech
Support: "A what!?"
- Customer:
"A tennis game with the paddles."
- Tech
Support: "What, you mean like pong?"
- Customer:
"No, tennis!"
- Tech
Support: "You mean with graphics?"
- Customer:
"I wanna make a tennis game with the, you know, rackets and the
ball."
- Tech
Support: (in shock, I start blurting nonsense) "Well, do you know
Windows?"
- Customer:
"I don't know anything about computers, I was frying sausages in the
kitchen..."
She tells
me the whole story again.
- Tech
Support: "Well, you would need to lean how to program in a computer
language like C++ and that takes many years of experience. I'd suggest you
first start slowly and learn DOS and Windows."
After that,
I spent twenty minutes talking her down from a seething boil to a cool simmer
and finally got her off the phone. I imagine this woman aggravated the poor
slob who sold her the computer until he caved in and gave her our number. Nice
guy.
- Customer:
"Look, look!!! Look what it's doing!!! Can you BELIEVE this??? Why is it
doing that???"
- Tech
Support: "Sir, I can't see your computer, what is it doing?"
- Customer:
"WHAT??? Can't you figure it out?`?? LOOK AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!! You can
see it, can't you?!"
This was my
slowest caller ever:
- Tech
Support: "Thank you for calling; how may I help you?"
- Customer:
"Ummm...it doesn't work."
Direct and
to the point, but just a touch vague. So I prodded him for more information
about his problem.
- Tech
Support: "What does not work?"
- Customer:
"Ummm... the program doesn't work."
- Tech
Support: "Could you please be more specific? Was there an error
message?"
- Customer:
"Yes."
I waited a
moment, thinking that he would continue on his own. But he didn't.
- Tech
Support: "And the message was?"
- Customer:
"Something about a GPF."
- Tech
Support: "Are you in front of the computer now?"
- Customer:
"No."
- Tech
Support: "Can you get in front of the computer?"
- Customer:
"I guess; let me get out of bed."
Shuffling.
Stepping down stairs.
- Tech
Support: "Are you still there?"
- Customer:
"Yeah, I have to go downstairs and turn on the computer."
This guy
has a 386-25 with 2 megs of RAM loading Windows. It takes about five minutes to
boot up his machine.
- Tech
Support: "Ok, are you in Windows?"
- Customer:
"Uhhhh... almost..."
Pause.
- Tech
Support: "Ok, are you in Windows?"
- Customer:
"Uhhhh... almost..."
Pause.
- Customer:
"Ok."
- Tech
Support: "Ok, you are in Windows, can you get into the program for me
please?"
- Customer:
"How do I do that?"
- Tech Support:
"Just the way you normally do."
- Customer:
"I don't remember. It's late, and I'm tired. Step me through it."
- Tech
Support: "Double click on the icon for the program please."
- Customer:
"Where is that?"
I slowly
drop my head to the desk. Finally, I get him to start our application and wait
three minutes for the software to load. I'm now fifteen minutes into this call,
and I normally average three and a half.
- Tech
Support: "Ok, can you duplicate the problem for me?"
- Customer:
"Uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm.........no."
- Tech
Support: "Why not?"
- Customer:
"I don't remember where it happened."
- Tech
Support: "I'm afraid I really won't able to help unless I know the error
message and where it occurred. You will need to recreate the message and call
us back with that information."
- Customer:
"But I waited so long to talk to you, you people really need to be faster
if you expect people to use your service. It takes too long to talk to you. You
will lose customers unless you speed it up."
- Tech
Support: "Thanks for calling, bye-bye."
- Customer:
"It was working last night, but it's not working any longer. And I haven't
changed anything."
- Tech
Support: "You sure you haven't changed anything? Nobody's gone near the
machine?"
- Customer:
"Yeah, yeah, nobody touched it."
- Tech
Support: "What's not working?"
- Customer:
"I can't get into my POP account."
Alarm bells
go off in my head. The user doesn't have a POP account.
- Tech
Support: "Oh. All right. Do you have the letter we sent you with your POP
account details?"
- Customer:
"Yeah, uh, it's... around here somewhere." [scrabbling sounds]
- Tech
Support: "Ok, let's forget the POP account for a moment. Can you tell me
exactly what happened?"
- Customer:
"Well, I moved everything onto my new machine this morning, and it's not
working."
- Tech
Support: "I thought you said that you didn't change anything???"
- Customer:
"But I didn't!"
- Tech
Support: "Ok, type 'cd windows.'"
- Customer:
"Right."
- Tech
Support: "What does it say?"
- Customer:
"It says 'see colon slash greater-than see dee windows.'"
- Tech
Support: [sigh] "Press return."
- Customer:
"Ok, it says 'see colon slash windows slash greater-than.'"
- Tech
Support: "Right, do a dir."
- Customer:
"Uh... how?"
- Tech
Support: "Type 'dir'."
- Customer:
"It says 'see colon slash windows slash greater-than dir.'"
- Tech
Support: [adding teethmarks to the phone] "Press return!"
- Customer:
"Ok, it says lots of different things, and then, 'see colon slash windows
slash greater-than.' Oh, and there's always a flashy line after the
greater-than; did I mention that?"
A user
calls from
1. She is
definitely "Not A Computer Person" (tm).
2. She is
at her friend's house, but her friend is not there.
3. Her
friend has a computer, but she doesn't know what kind.
4. She has
never turned it on.
5. She
thinks it has a modem, but she is not sure.
6. She has
never logged on to any of her university accounts.
7. She has
never used any terminal software and doesn't know what type her friend has.
She was
deeply upset that "no one will help her." Sadly, I was also unable to
do so. I mean, what do you do?
I once
received a call from a woman with a heavy, throaty, not-real-educated-or-bright
voice from
- Customer:
"...new tape, ya know, the plasticky thingie I got in the mail...does that
work even if I don't put it in my compoota?"
- Tech Support:
"No, ma'am, the software does not work unless it is installed on to your
hard drive."
- Customer:
"But this isn't soft...this is a small hard plastic square..."
- Tech
Support: "Yes, ma'am, that's called software, and you need to insert it
into the disk drive to use it."
- Customer:
"Look, lady, I'm not stupid -- this isn't soft -- and I don't appreciate
you making fun of me." [click]
- Tech
Support: "Now, do you see the words '[etc etc etc]'."
- Customer:
"Um, no."
- Tech
Support: "Scroll down, there should be the words '[etc etc etc]' enclosed
in brackets."
- Customer:
"They're not here."
- Tech
Support: [loading up the same file in EDIT on my machine] "Ok, starting
from the top, you'll see '[this]', '[that]', and '[the other]'. The next
section will have '[etc etc etc]' in brackets."
- Customer:
"Oh, you mean '[etc etc etc]'!"
- Tech
Support: "Yes. Now, under that is a blank line."
- Customer:
"Ok."
- Tech
Support: "Now, move the cursor to that blank line."
- Customer:
"I don't understand what you mean."
I spent
about ten minutes trying to navigate him to the beginning of the blank line so
that he can type in a single line of text. He seemed to completely lack
comprehension. The man understood English, but there was something he seemed to
be failing to grasp.
- Tech
Support: [getting frustrated and barely keeping calm] "Now, right below
the words '[etc etc etc]' is a blank line."
- Customer:
"Oh! You mean the line that doesn't have anything on it!"
- Tech
Support: "YES!"
- Tech
Support: "Sir, open up your System Folder and find the Launcher Items
folder."
- Customer:
"I don't have a Systems Folder."
My patience
with such customers was wearing thin. After a short pause:
- Tech
Support: "It's in your hard disk, sir. You must have one, or else your
computer wouldn't start properly."
- Customer:
"Hard disk, hard disk... hmmm -- is that little rectangle in the top
right?"
- Tech
Support: "Yes."
- Customer:
"Ok, but mine doesn't say 'Hard Disk.' It's just labelled with a period.
How did that happen?"
- Tech
Support: "Well, you can name it anything you want, perhaps yours was named
accidentally."
- Customer:
"Oh. What now?"
- Tech
Support: "Open your System Folder."
- Customer:
"I don't have a systems folder. Oh, oh, here it is! Ok, ok, I'm opening
the Systems Envelope now."
And after
an excruciating 30 minutes of how to make an alias and reminding him that he
truly did have a System Folder (or, as he called it, an "Envelope")
and where it was, we got his new software on the Launcher.
Ten minutes
later he called me back and told me how he had written down my directions to
the "Systems Envelope" so he could put more programs on his Launcher.
One of the programs didn't work, however, and after another 45 minutes of sheer
hell, I told him we needed to send him some new floppies.
- Customer:
"Hey, can you send me a dozen apples too? My wife would like to make a
pie. Ha ha! Apples. Get it? Macintoshes? Ha ha. Don't you get it?"
If I had a
button on my phone to administer electro-shock to this man, I would have!!!
- Tech
Support: "Yes sir, I do."
- Customer:
"I get garbage when I log onto IndyNet."
- Tech
Support: "Ok, what software are you using?"
- Customer:
"Internet."
- Tech
Support: "Yes, I know you're connecting to the Internet, but what software
do you use to make the connection?"
- Customer:
"Oh! Windows."
- Tech
Support: "Yes, but what software inside of Windows do you use?"
- Customer:
"Oh! Ok, yes, I have an Acer 486-66D...."
- Tech
Support: "No! The software! Do you know what software is?"
- Customer:
"Uh, kind of."
- Tech
Support: "Ok. Software is the program that you run in order to make the
computer do anything, ok?"
- Customer:
"Ok."
- Tech
Support: "So what program do you run to call us?"
- Customer:
"ATDTxxxxxxx."
This woman
was good friends with my supervisor. She's now also my wife.
- Tech
Support: "Ok, now type 'C D space backslash'."
- Customer:
"Um, can you repeat that?"
- Tech
Support: "Yes, 'C D space backslash'."
- Customer:
"'C P'?"
- Tech
Support: "No, 'C D'."
- Customer:
"Ok, 'C D slash backspace'."
- Tech
Support: "No, 'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."
- Customer:
"'C D slash space backspace'."
- Tech
Support: "No, 'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."
- Customer:
"'C D slash backspace'."
- Tech
Support: "'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."
- Customer:
"'C D space backslash'."
In my
previous job, we often had to contact clients in
- Me:
"Hi, I'm trying to send a fax."
- Person
#1: "Hello."
- Me:
"Hello. Is this your fax number? I'm trying to send a fax to you."
- Person
#1: "Hello."
It became
apparent that "Hello" comprises the majority of this person's English.
- Me:
"Is Mr. [name] there? Could you get him, please?"
- Person
#1: "Mr. [name]. OK."
He wandered
off. Shouting and a leisurely background conversation followed. Five minutes
later a different person came to the phone.
- Person
#2: "Hello."
- Me: (resisting
the urge to scream) "Hello, I'm calling from overseas, and I'm trying to
send a fax. Could you please press your fax button?"
- Person
#2: "I thought you wanted Mr. [name]. He's not here."
- Me:
"Well, no, it doesn't matter who I talk to. Can you just press the fax
button so I can get this fax through to you?"
- Person
#2: "I don't know how all this works. I can leave a message for Mr. [name]
if you like."
- Me:
"No, you just need to press that big button on the fax machine. Can you do
that now, please?"
- Person
#2: "Wait, [another name] is here. She might know." (wanders off for
another ten minutes; much background conversation) "She says the fax
machine is turned off."
- Me:
"Well, can you turn it on please? Or should I try again later?"
- Person #2:
"I think we haven't got enough power for the fax machine right now. I'll
have to start up the generator."
- Me:
"No, no, I'll try again tomorrow. You don't need to--"
- Person
#2: "It's around the back of the building. I'll be right back."
(wanders off)
I was just
about to hang up when someone picked up the phone.
- Person
#1: "Hello. Hello. Hello."
I hung up.
- Tech
Support: "Now we need to check the communications driver. In Program
Manager, click on File and select Run."
- Customer:
"I don't have anything that says 'Run.'"
- Tech
Support: "What do you have at the very top of the Window?"
- Customer:
"Program Manager."
- Tech
Support: "Good. And what is right beneath that?"
- Customer:
"
- Tech
Support: "No, no. What do you see between the bar where it says 'Program
Manager' and those boxes?"
- Customer:
"Nothing."
- Tech
Support: "Ok, do you see that white bar underneath the Program Manager
bar?"
- Customer:
"Yes."
- Tech
Support: "Good. What's on the far left of that bar?"
- Customer:
"It says 'File.'"
- Tech
Support: "All right, click on File and select Run."
- Customer:
"It's asking me if I want to exit Windows. Do I click on OK?"
- Tech
Support: "Click on Cancel. Now, click of File and then click on Run."
- Customer:
"It brought up a box with 'Program Item' and 'Program Group' in it. Which
one do you want?"
- Tech
Support: "Click on Cancel. Click on File and hit 'R' on the
keyboard."
- Customer:
"There's no 'R' in the list."
- Tech
Support: "On the keyboard there should be an 'R' key."
- Customer:
"Oh, yes."
- Tech
Support: "Press it."
- Customer:
"Now it's asking for a 'Command Line.'"
- Tech
Support: "Good. Type 'sysedit', s-y-s-e-d-i-t, and hit Enter."
- Customer:
"I don't see Enter. Do you want me to click on 'OK'?"
- Tech
Support: "That' ll work."
- Customer:
"It says it couldn't find the file."
- Tech
Support: "Let's try it again: S...Y...S...E...D...I...T."
- Customer:
"S...Y...F...E...C...I...V."
- Tech
Support: "No, no. Sysedit. As in system editor."
- Customer:
"S...Y...S...T...E...M..."
- Tech
Support: "No. Just sysedit. S...Y...S...E...D...I...T."
- Customer:
"Ok, that brought up a window with four windows inside it."
- Tech
Support: "Good. Bring up the system.ini window."
- Customer:
"How do I do that?"
- Tech
Support: "Close the first window, the autoexec.bat."
- Customer:
"Ok."
- Tech
Support: "Now close the config.sys window."
- Customer:
"I can't. I guess I closed the wrong window. The only window I have now is
Program Manager."
Fast
forward about five minutes to when Sysedit is finally up and the system.ini is
being displayed. However, the user is unable to find the comm.drv line in 14
attempts of going down the list line by line for the first 12 lines. The other
techs have been listening to this and are almost on the floor laughing.
- Tech
Support: "Ok, click on Search and select Find."
- Customer:
"I don't see Search."
Yep, you
guessed it. Repeat the whole File->Run routine right down to being unable to
type in "comm" in the search-for line. Almost 10 minutes more to find
the line -- seventh line down.
- Tech
Support: "What does the line read?"
- Customer:
"'comm.drv=rhodsi.drv'"
Bingo! Home
stretch now. Have the user comment out that line and put in Windows' driver
back.
- Tech
Support: "Now exit out of Windows and restart."
- Customer:
"Windows won't start. It says something about a device driver."
I'm
grateful now for using SysEdit. Restore the backup SysEdit automatically makes.
Try changing the line using DOS Edit three times. Each time is the same --
device driver error.
- Tech
Support: "Type 'copy system.syd system.ini' and hit Enter."
- Customer:
"Ok."
- Tech
Support: "Type 'win' and hit Enter."
- Customer:
"It's starting."
- Tech
Support: "You should be set then."
The Unix Guru's View of Sex
#!/bin/ssh
#The Unix Guru's View of Sex
unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; mount ; fsck ;
more ; yes ;
umount ; sleep
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a
pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large
selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to
be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The
salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies,
"fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman.
"That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they
are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss,
computers do not need curtains!"
The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo .. I've got
Windoooooows!"
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD
Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there
anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit
down."
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to
mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your
number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the
morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar
for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me
alone?"
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die
happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd
probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Being good in business:
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's
daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next, Jack approaches Bill Gates.
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to
marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of
the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World
Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a
vice-president."
President: "But I already have more
vice-presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's
son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case..."
This is how business is done…!!! ;-)
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for
15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for
money and guns but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of
bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on
top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at
his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in
years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must
be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love
you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing
my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were
cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I
love you, too."
Bush begins his speech to open the Olympic Games. He
looks at his paper and says:
- Oooooo! Oooooo! Oooooo! Oooooo! Oooooo!
An aide comes over and whispers:
- Mr. President, these are the Olympic rings. Your
speech is below...
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her
husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh
my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me
when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
your fucking mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to
salt them. Use the salt. USE THE FUCKING SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong
with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of fucking eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you
what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the fucking car."
The European Union has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that will become known as ‘'Euro-English''.
In the first year, ‘s' will replace the soft ‘c'.
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard ‘c' will be
dropped in favour of the ‘k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year, when the troublesome ‘ph' will be replaced with the ‘f'. This will make
words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing ‘th' with ‘z' and ‘w' with ‘v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o'
President Bush visits a primary school classroom. They
are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks President Bush if he would like to
lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the president asks the
class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best
riend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over
and kills him that would be a 'tragedy'."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an
accident".
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be
a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Bush.
"That's what we would call a 'great loss'."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush
searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of
a 'tragedy'?"
Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises
his hand. In a quiet voice, he says: "If your plane, carrying you,
President Bush, were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to
smithereens that would be a 'tragedy'."
"Fantastic !" exclaims Bush. "That's
right. And can you tell me why that would be a 'tragedy'?"
"Well," says the boy "because it
certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss' and it probably wouldn't be an 'accident'
either."
Left Brain, Right Brain
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off
the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6"
in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction and there's nothing
you can do about it
GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like
half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like
well developed and open to trade, especially for
someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like
very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like
gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to
visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like
with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like
lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like
very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.
After 70, she becomes
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the
wisdom of the ages... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for
spiritual knowledge visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like
Sherlock Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to
sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of
stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes
questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it
tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I
can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What
does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
Smart kids - (very funny)!!!!
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same
stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
she should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then.
* Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married.
* Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids.
* Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING
SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would
call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns.
* Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich. (she will go far)
* Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that.
* Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you
one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
grossed out.
* Theodore, age 8
( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
* Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET
MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
wouldn't there?
* Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is...
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if
she looks like a truck.
* Ricky, age 10
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS:
1 Too Many Questions.
2 Difficult to Understand.
3 More Explanation is Needed.
4 Result is always FAIL!
Liar:
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling
people u're dying of
AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and
panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when
girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.
There were three country churches in a small town: a
Lutheran church, a Methodist church and an Orthodox church. Each church was
overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Methodist church called a meeting to
decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they
determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't
interfere with God's divine will.
The Lutheran group got together and decided that they
were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely
trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days
later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Orthodox who were able to come up with
the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and
registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas
and Easter.
Last words
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got
fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right
here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as
her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck!
Daddy? How did I come into this world?
Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any
way...
So why not today? Please!!!
O.K., but listen carefully!
Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the
restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some
downloads from dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we
used no firewall.
Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months
later we ended up with a virus...
TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH!!
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I'm sorry = you'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Do what you want = you'll pay for this later
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby
thighs
You're so... Manly = You need a shave and you sweat a
lot
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something
expensive
It's your decision = The correct decision should be
obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you
ever think about???
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and
find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that
you're really not going to like
TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the
question
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have
sex now!
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to
have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to
have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you
to have sex with other guys
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to
have sex with you in the next ten minutes
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing
that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am
gay
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the
most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in
the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the
ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World
Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking
deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the
world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am
officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused
and said, "Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you.
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can
kill you,
The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you.
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you.
This morning I stopped reading.
You gotta love this guy! This is a true story about a
recent Greek wedding that took place in
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno
mentioned it.
It was a large wedding with about 600 guests... At the
reception after the wedding, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to
talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many
from
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted
to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including
the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and
asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10
glossy of his new bride
having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier
and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just
watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here. You people could stay here
and celebrate with that POUTANA."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the
morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if
nothing were wrong.
His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over
$92,000 for a 600 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations in front of 600 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
An Indian discovered that nobody can't create a FOLDER
anywhere named as "con".
This is something pretty cool...and unbelievable...
At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates,
couldn't answer why this happened!
Try it out yourself...
Phone rings. GREEK MOTHER (Greek accent) picks up the
phone and answers:
Greek Mother: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you
tonight?
Greek Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes.
Greek Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Greek Mother: I don't know why you left your husband.
He is such a good
man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Greek Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go
out with anybodies
and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring
over the kids?
Greek Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody
except your
father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I
don't.
Greek Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring
the kids over
tonight.
Greek Mother: You're going to stay the night with him?
What will your
husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be
bothered. From the
day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Greek Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this
loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Greek Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman
with children is
a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over
the kids or not?
Greek Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Greek Mother: With no stability. No wonder your
husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH !!!
Greek Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream
at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Greek Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted
him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye mother.
Greek Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you
bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going
out!
Greek Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect
to meet anyone?
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his
father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised,
answers:
"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In
her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her
thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After
fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter
said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well
dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an
oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible
but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for
decoration only."
I found this real life story very interesting to read.
It also broadens your perception of things. An atheist professor of philosophy
speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, the Almighty. He asks
one of his new students to stand and.....
Professor: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Professor: Is God good?
Student: Sure.
Professor: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.
Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he
prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill.
But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hm?
Student: (Silent.)
Professor: You can't answer, can you? Let's start
again, young fellow. Is God good?
Student: Yes.
Professor: Is Satan good?
Student: No
Professor: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God..
Professor: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in
this world?
Student: Yes.
Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did
make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Professor: So who created evil?
Student: (Silent.)
Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred?
Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Professor: So, who created them?
Student: (Silent.)
Professor: Science says you have 5 senses you use to
identify and serve the world around you. Tell me, son... Have you ever seen
God?
Student: No, sir.
Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
Student: No, sir.
Professor: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your
God, smelled your God?
Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for
that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.
Professor: According to empirical, testable,
demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to
that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.
Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem science
has.
Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Professor: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Professor: Yes.
Student: No sir. There isn't.
(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn
of events)
Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more
heat, Superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't
have any thing called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat,
but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is
only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold.
Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre)
Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such
a thing as darkness?
Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the
absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light,
flashing light.... But, if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and
it is called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you
would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Professor: So what is the point you are making, young
man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise
is flawed.
Professor: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of
duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad.
God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can
measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and
magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view
death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot
exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the
absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they
evolved from a monkey?
Professor: If you are referring to the natural
evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your
own eyes, sir?
Professor: (The Professor shakes his head with a
smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)
Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of
evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going
endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but
a preacher?
(The class is in uproar)
Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever
seen the Professor's brain?
(The class breaks out into laughter)
Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the
Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelled it?.....No one appears to have
done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable,
demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due
respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room is silent. The professor stares at the
student)
Professor: I guess you'll have to take them on faith,
son.
Student: That is it, sir.. The link between man &
God is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.
That young man was ALBERT EINSTEIN...
LIFE EXPLAINED BY A GREEK
A boat docked in a tiny Greek village. An American
tourist complimented the Greek fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked
how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Greek.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and
catch more?" asked the American. The Greek explained that his small catch
was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the
rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village
to see my friends, dance a little, play the bouzouki, and sing a few songs. I
have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from
Harvard and I can help you.
You should start by fishing longer every day. You can
then sell the extra fish you catch. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger
boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one
and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can
negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own
plant.
You can then leave this little village and move to
"How long would that take?" asked the Greek.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied
the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting,"
answered the American, laughing.
When your business gets really big, you can start
selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a
tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a
few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings singing,
dancing and playing the bouzouki with your friends
BUT ISIN 'T THAT WHAT I'M DOING NOW???
From CNN (Wednesday,
It has been reported that, in order to deal with the
threat of bird flu,
President Bush has decided to bomb the
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a
robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail,
and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot makes
conversation about global warming factors, quantum mechanics, spirituality,
biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology,
and sexual proclivities…
Very impressed, the customer thinks, "This is
really cool," and decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar,
turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared
drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time
about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and
women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man decides to give the robot
one more test.
He heads out the door and returns. The robot serves
him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er . . . 50 . . . I
think."
And the robot says... real slowly ..............
"So............... ya gonna vote for Bush
again?"
In
- You can visit the shop ONLY ONCE
- There are 6 floors and the men characteristics get
better and better as you go up.
- You can choose a husband at the floor you are at or
go the next one.
- You cannot go back to the previous floor.
One woman decides to visit the Husband shop in order
to find a companion.
At the 1st floor the sign says: "These men have a
job".
The woman decides to go to the next one.
At the 2nd floor the sign says: "These men have a
job and love children".
The woman decides to go to the next one
At the 3rdfloor the sign says: "These men have a
job, love children and are extremely beautiful".
"Wow" the woman thought, but she feels to go
up again.
At the 4th floor the sign says: "These men have a
job, love children, are extremely beautiful and help with housecleaning".
"Incredible!" the woman says. "I can
barely resist", but she goes one floor up.
At the 5th floor she finds a sign that says:
"These men have a job, love children, are extremely beautiful, help with
housecleaning and are terrifying lovers full of romance".
The woman now is really tempted to stay and choose one
husband, but at the end decides to go up one last one floor.
At the 6th floor a sign says: "You are visitor
number 31.652.069 of this floor. There are no men here; this floor exists only
to prove that it is impossible to please women. Thanks for having chosen our
shop".
In front of the Husband Store across the street, a
Wife Shop has also opened.
At the First floor the sign says: "These women
love to have sex".
The Second floor sign says: "These women love to
have sex and are very rich".
The remaining three floors HAVE NEVER BEEN VISITED BY
ANY MAN.
Subject: Two pilots
An airplane takes off from the airport.
The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is
Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and it's
obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along.
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters:
"I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replies:
"Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"
"Your people bombed
"Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah.
That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't
matter, you're all alike."
"Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the
First Officer says:
"No like Jew."
"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an
iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg,
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a
beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess
touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would
dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his
daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard
told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in
her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that
could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and
inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the
world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned
red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was
overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they
both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking, you pervert???
Live Well
The Pepsi Theory ...
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local
court.
But the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the
judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should
retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children.
The judge asked for his side of the story too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the
chair and replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending
machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, coz the man won!
Myths and Truths
Reply to:
Date: 2006-04-18,
Some rants and accumulated experience about women. Men
in happy marriages or stable relationships don't need to read this; neither do
men who get laid every week (or even every month). The "truth" I'm
putting out here is for all of those men who, like me, worship women and can't
figure out why they keep getting screwed over and dumped. The myths are things
that I used to believe before I wised up.
MYTH: Women want love and affection. Women want to be
treated well. If you treat a woman well, she'll treat you well.
TRUTH: Young women want whatever other young women
want. They're herd creatures. If you lavish a woman with love and affection
she'll think you're doing it because nobody else wants you (which may be true)
and she'll dump you. In fact, if you do anything that betrays that you're a
loser that other women won't touch, she'll dump you. Why? Because she wants to
impress her friends with what a great catch she's made, and if she thinks that
they wouldn't want you, then she doesn't want you either.
There are only three exceptions to this rule. The
first exception is psychos, otherwise known as "witches, bitches, and
crazy ladies." They'll stay with you because nobody else wants them, or
because you're the only one who put up with their abuse. The second exception
is women who like to "fix men up": those women who like to take
"broken" men and turn them into the man they want. These women are
single because a mature man will recognize that these women don't want him...
they want to turn him into someone else. The third exception is that once in a
long time you meet a woman who isn't psycho, still wants to stay with you when
she finds out that you're not super stud, and doesn't want to change you into
someone else. This is the one you marry.
BITTER MYTH: Women are out for money.
TRUTH: Women are out for status and fun or for
security, depending upon their age. A few women are out for cold cash, but not
too many. Status-seeking women aren't ready to settle down. They just wanna
have fun, and they want their girlfriends to know it. They're looking for a guy
they can dangle in front of their friends and say, "Look what I got!"
You don't have to have money to be that guy, you just have to come across as
desirable. Of course if you have money you don't need to do anything else, but
having no money isn't the end of the world. The women who are out for security
have had their wild fling and want to settle down. They want a guy who can
provide a stable base for the future (and that includes finances).
All in all it's sort of like what guys do (and women
whine about endlessly): when you're young you want some bright, bubbly thing
with huge tits, a nice ass, and a trimmed bush who screams like a banshee in
bed, although you'll settle for much less; when you're ready to get married you
want a nice girl who isn't going to break your balls. They're usually different
people unless you're very, very lucky. Young women want bad boys who will show
them a good time. When they're ready to get married they want some guy who is
going to be able to pay to keep them comfortable.
MYTH: Women are out for looks.
TRUTH: See above. Women are out for looks, after a
fashion. A guy in good physical shape who wears decent-looking clothes is
attractive because he looks after himself and probably isn't a wimp or a
whiner. She can convince her friends that he's a "catch." A guy who
looks and smells like a laundry bin, or who can't climb a few flights of stairs
without a rest had better have some spectacular attribute to show off to her
friends (like being a genius) or he's not worth her time. Any guy can
compensate for lack of looks or lack of money with showmanship. He doesn't have
to be a catch, just seem like one. All he has to do is make her friends think,
"Damn, I wish I were going out with him instead of the loser I'm
with."
MYTH: I should find one woman I like who likes me, and
stick with her through thick and thin.
TRUTH: This is the biggest mistake I ever made. I used
to be loyal to whomever I was with, even when someone better came along. All
that happened was that I missed out on some great opportunities while I hung on
with losers that ended up dumping me anyway. Do this if the two of you are
getting married; once you've tied the knot it's a whole other can of worms.
However, if you're just dating, do exactly the opposite. In very subtle ways
you have to let her know that although you like her, there are lots of other
women out there and you still notice them. Glance at tits and legs. Smile at
and chat with pretty ladies, even while she's with you (you're just being
friendly, of course). This is the most important thing I've learned about
dating in a decade. I even thought of dating WASP bitches again, so long as I
could keep this in mind. Never, never let her know that she's the only game in
town. As soon as she believes that she's your "everything," she'll
start whining and bitchi ng and making demands.
Think of it like buying a car. If you let the salesman
know that this is your dream car, that you've stayed awake nights thinking
about buying exactly this car, do you think the price will go down? Of course
not! He'll jack the price up as high as he thinks he can go and still have you
buy it. If you tell your girl that you've dreamed all of your life of going out
with someone like her, do you think she'll smile and kiss you and things will
go on as before? Of course not! She'll realize that you'll put up with more of
her bad habits, and that she can put up with fewer of yours, and the bitching
will start. She'll try to make the relationship as comfortable for her as
possible and still keep it going. Remember the car salesman? Remember the
attitude that "this is a nice car, but there are hundreds of other great
ones, including that one across the street", even as your heart is
thumping and you're practically drooling? If you're just dating, this is the
attitude to take.
MYTH: Having a girlfriend / fiancée / wife means being
able to tell someone my problems.
TRUTH: Nobody gives a shit about your problems. Nobody
ever will. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the reality of being a man. Want
to tell people about your problems? Get a sex change. Or join a men's group;
the flip side is that you have to listen to their problems, but it helps. I
know of only two kinds of women who want to hear about your problems: ones with
far more problems than you have, and ones who fancy themselves amateur
psychiatrists and like "fixing" men. Neither is good company. Let's
face it: many women spend all day whining to their friends about how awful
their lives are and listening to their neurotic friends responding in kind. The
last thing they want to do is go out with you and hear more of the same.
To make matters worse, women simply don't
"get" many of men's problems. Women have problems with things that
don't even bother us, but they expect us to be understanding or at least
tolerant; we have problems with things that don't even bother them, and no
amount of explaining will cause the light to go on or elicit any sympathy.
So why not just commit hara-kiri now? Because it's not
that bad. You get over it. In particular, once you figure out how to handle
women a lot of your problems seem smaller and more manageable.
MYTH: Having a girlfriend / fiancée / wife means
someone will finally understand me.
TRUTH: Understanding—true understanding—takes decades.
If you spend most of your time with the love of your life trying to explain
yourself, she will have nothing but contempt for you, for two reasons. First,
because she doesn't want to hear your whining (see above). Second, and more
important, women want to maintain the self-delusion that they already
understand men. Women everywhere claim that they understand men and that "men
are simple creatures." The truth is that women haven't a clue where most
men are coming from and furthermore they care only insofar as they want to
control us. Nonetheless, they want to maintain the fiction that they have us
figured out.
It's a pride and status thing. A woman who doesn't
"understand" her man can't control him, and a woman who can't control
her man is a loser. The more you try to explain yourself, the more complex and
multi-dimensional you become (a.k.a. "difficult"), and the less she can
claim to understand you.
Besides, most of the time you're explaining yourself
to her you're really trying to figure yourself out. Go do it in a corner, hire
a professional listener, or join a men's group. She doesn't want to hear it. If
you master the art of keeping your problems to yourself she will complain
bitterly about this. She will bitch and whine that you're not open enough and
that she has to drag things out of you. She will also secretly love this. It
gives her one more thing to complain about to her friends.
MYTH: If only I could meet the right woman, my life
would have meaning.
TRUTH: If your life doesn't have meaning right now,
when you're single, then a relationship isn't going to help. You'll pile too
much baggage on top of the delicate emotional bonds too early, and the whole
thing will collapse like a house of cards. Want to see this in action? Watch
women: they do this all the time. In particular, women who whine about men who
can't make a commitment are probably doing exactly this: looking to a man to
make their life mean something. It doesn't work.
The only way to have a happy life is to develop one
for yourself, then leave an opening for someone else to come and share it with
you. Neither of these two things is easy. In particular, it's too easy once
you've developed a life for yourself to end up with someone who was doing
exactly what you were doing before—waiting for Prince Charming (or in your case
Lady Love)—to come and rescue her life. People like this end up draining away
all of that energy you've worked so hard to build up, leaving you exhausted and
frustrated.
Take it from me: I waited for Lady Love for decades.
Finally I gave up, got angry, got off my ass and tried to make a life for
myself, and suddenly I was surrounded by women who wanted to date me. After a
while I met someone who was very special to me and I married her. Now my life
is about the same as before, but I have someone with whom to share it. As much
as I prefer being with someone, I must tell you that having her with me doesn't
make my life any more or less meaningful. I'm pretty much where I was before,
only now I have company, which is nice.
[P.S.: After two years she turned into one of those
people who was waiting for her life to mean something, and she drained away all
of my good energy. Oh well. Some things just don't turn out as planned, no
matter how hard you try. Rats.]
MYTH: If I treat a woman well and listen to what she
says, she'll stop complaining
TRUTH: Women never stop complaining. For them, it's a
sport. Some complain more than others, but none of them will ever stop, any
more than one day men will stop discussing football. Men have built
civilizations, created law, invented husbandry (that's keeping domestic animals
by the way, not marriage; women invented marriage), built skyscrapers, invented
cars, washing machines, antibiotics, toilets, computers, and microwave ovens,
and generally dragged us out of caves and into condos. Don't kid yourself: men
did it all. If it were up to women we'd still be living in caves and dying at
20. I know that men did it all because I know why they did it: they hoped that
it would stop women complaining. It didn't.
If you listen to your girlfriend's bitching and try to
make everything better, you'll suffer the same fate as all the men who came
before: you'll run yourself ragged, and at the end of it all she'll still be
bitching. If you ignore all but the most important complaints, she'll bitch
about that, too, but you'll feel far better about your life.
MYTH: Men don't listen to women because men don't care
about women.
TRUTH: Men ignore women because women normally have
nothing worthwhile to say. This is not a condemnation of women, but rather a
difference in what talking is for. This is one of the few areas where John Gray
has something useful to say. Men mull things over, organize things in their
heads, then speak. Men have to do this because they have to get things done,
and if they blabbered all day long about nothing in particular then eventually
other men would pay them no attention. Men talk to communicate ideas, negotiate
compromises, and secure cooperation. Life and experience has taught men to be
brief and pithy.
Women talk to organize their thoughts. It's the
difference between doing the math problem in your head and writing the answer
at the top of the page, and scribbling all over the page in order to arrive at
the answer in the bottom corner. Women want men to listen to them. Women want
men to follow along as they scribble all over the page, not just wait for the
answer. Quite frankly, who cares? As I mentioned above, there are lots of
things that women don't want to hear from men. If you want to talk about these
things, you'll have to find some other men who want to listen, because she sure
as hell won't. If she wants to attach her mouth to her brain and vocalize all
of her mental processes then she should find someone who cares to listen, in
other words another woman.
MYTH: She said she loves me. She must think I'm really
special.
TRUTH: When women say, "I love you" it can
mean almost anything. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you,"
"I'm desperate to get married and have babies and you're the best thing
I've come across so far," "You're better than the last jerk I went
out with," "You're the best guy I've come across this week,"
"All my girlfriends are in love and I want to be too," "I have a
million problems and I want you to feel obliged to listen to them,"
"I want another date and I want you to feel like you have to ask me out
again," "It's time I put my foot down and started controlling
you," and any number of other things. OK, most women think they mean it
when they say, "I love you." However, remember the old saying,
"It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind"? She loves you this
minute. Maybe today. Maybe this week. Maybe even this month. However, this says
nothing about how she will feel next month, next week, or tomorrow.
One of the biggest problems men like me have is that
when we say, "I love you" to a woman we want to really mean it. Like
"I love you forever." Men don't understand that a woman can say,
"I love you forever" and change her mind next week. All she does is
convinces herself that in hindsight, and despite everything you've ever said or
done, you never really loved her, so all the times she said, "I love
you" didn't really count. You have to learn to use the same language. Go
ahead and say, "I love you," but inside your head say, "I love
you right now. Tomorrow may be a different story." When you break up and
she screams that you said you loved her, tell her that you did, but she did
this and that and now you don't love her any more. When women say, "I love
you" they aren't promising eternal devotion, so why should you be? One day
you'll meet a woman who says, "I love you" and it'll really hit home.
You'll test her love a bit and it will hold up. That's the one you marry.
MYTH: Women understand relationships; men don't.
TRUTH: This myth is perpetuated by women,
pussy-whipped men, and psychiatrists. If women truly understood
relationships... that is, if they understood relationships with men... then we
wouldn't have a 45% divorce rate. Maybe back in the pioneer days women
understood relationships. These days, they have coffee with their girlfriends,
talk about "men", examine and dissect relationships, study
interpersonal dynamics, talk, talk, talk about what works and what doesn't,
then go out and perfectly screw up their next relationship. I know. I've
watched it happen from the sidelines.
Women spend more time analyzing relationships; they
talk about them incessantly, and in doing so discover more truths than men
know. However, all of this talk in a vacuum also means that their heads are
filled with more bullshit and myth than are men's. The combination of superior
insight and copious nonsense puts them right back where we are. Men tend to see
what's going on in a relationship more clearly, but have no idea how to express
what they see or what to do about it. Women would probably know what to do
about it if they could only see it as it truly is, instead of through a fog of
preconception.
The other big difference between the sexes is that
women are absolutely certain that they know what is going on, whereas men make
no such claim. The last man who claimed to have his own radical theories about
relationships was Freud, and nobody pays any attention to him any more. It is
women's ideas about relationships and why they do or don't work that have been
imported lock, stock, and barrel into the field of psychiatry. Most male therapists
you'll meet are basically honorary women with university degrees, and as such
they don't really understand relationships either.
MYTH: Women are fairer and more even-handed than men
TRUTH: Nothing could be further from the truth.
Traditionally men have favoured the same rules for everyone: "He who lives
by the sword dies by the sword." Women on the other hand make up the rules
as they go along. Although women's approach is patently unfair, it was valuable
when they had to be the ones to point out that the rules needed to be changed,
or that the rules should be bent in some cases. Back then they did this for the
good of everyone. These days men still feel bound by rules, but women are in a
conflict of interest. They still keep watch over the rules and break them as
they always have, but now they modify and break the rules in their own favour.
Men's justice is often harsh, but it's fair. Women's
justice is arbitrary and these days often self-serving. (Liberal
"situational ethics" are essentially the same as women's ethics.)
You'll find this out quickly in a relationship. The joke going around about
"The Rules" and how women change them all the time isn't such a joke.
It's a documentary. If you doubt this, think of it this way. A man caught breaking
or bending the rules of good behaviour will become either defensive or
repentant; his wife will beat him over the head with his transgression for
months, if not years. A woman caught modifying the rules of good behaviour to
suit herself will giggle and freely admit it. She thinks it's a game.
MYTH: Women do a lot for the relationship; men do a
lot for themselves
TRUTH: My ex-girlfriend invented a little ditty that
made her puff up with smug, self-satisfied pride. It went like this,
"Women think of 'we'; men think of 'me'." OK, so e.e. cummings she
wasn't. The point is that she actually believed this, and a lot of other women
do, too. She thought that she was living and breathing our
"relationship," while I was just kind of hanging around and taking up
space. Meanwhile, I drove her everywhere (she couldn't drive), I spent hours
making her gifts and writing her notes, and I spent hours thinking about what
was going on with us and where we were going.
The truth of the matter is that women don't think of
'we' any more or less often than men do. Women think of their own needs most of
the time, too. The difference is that women redefine their own needs as being
those of "the relationship". For example, when a man needs to talk to
his belle about something, he says, "I need to talk to you." When a
woman needs to talk to her beau about something, she says, "We need to
talk." Notice the difference? Suddenly what she needs becomes what we
need. Women do this all the time, and then pout and whine that they work so
hard at the relationship and you don't. In fact they're just playing with
words.
The other truth is that there are two relationships:
the one you're really in—the one that exists between you and her—and the one in
her head. Remember how women are always talking and theorizing about
"relationships"? Well, much of what she defines as "our
relationship" is really just a collection of theories and prejudices from
past conversations with her girlfriends, and has nothing to do with what's
going on between the two of you. In that sense, even if she is doing more for
"the relationship," it isn't necessarily anything that concerns her
real relationship with you.
MYTH: Women are more involved in the relationship; men
are more aloof.
TRUTH: Finally one that's true. The false part is the
assumption that being deeply involved in the relationship is always a good
thing, and that aloofness is fatal to relationships. If you doubt this, look
around you and find a couple in which both people do little else but sit around
with each other and talk, and watch how fast the relationship blows itself
apart. Every relationship has to have a balance between looking inward and
looking outward. Most women who complain that their men don't pay enough
attention to "the relationship" aren't seeing the relationship
clearly and/or are buried in "the relationship" up to their necks and
so are creating more problems than they solve. Recently I was skimming a book
by Dr. Laura and saw a chapter that gets this one right. Where is it written
that when a man wants to go back to college and a woman wants to get married,
and she gets angry that he's "not thinking of the relationship" that
she's automatically right? Maybe the right thi ng to do at that moment is for
both of them to go back to college for a couple of years. Women confuse
obsessing about "the relationship" with healthy involvement,
particularly considering that half the time they're seeing stuff that isn't
even there. Sometimes your relationship needs more attention than you're giving
it; other times she's smothering it. The assumption that more involvement
equals more love simply isn't true.
MYTH: When she says no, she means no (so why am I so
confused)?
TRUTH: Nobody means no every time they say
"no." Think about it: do you? You've never said no when you were too
shy to say yes? You've never said no because you were nervous, didn't know what
you were getting into, and didn't really have time to think about your answer?
You've never said no because you thought that was the right thing to do even
though you really wanted to say yes? You've never said no and then changed your
mind? You've never said no as a joke, just to get a rise out of someone, when
you really meant yes?
I've done all of these things at one time or another;
most men I know have, and most women I know have as well. However, for men
there's a catch. If she's prone to saying no when she really means yes, then
you should dump her. Immediately. Especially if she's told you in no uncertain
terms "no" and then starts dropping huge hints that you're supposed
to ignore this and go for it anyway. Dump the bitch. This is just far too
dangerous. If you doubt this, imagine sitting in court, accused of rape.
"Did she tell you no, Mr. Smith?" "Yeah, but afterward she tried
to rip my pants off, then stripped naked and sat on my face!" "But
did she say no, Mr. Smith?" "Umm... yes she did." "Case
closed."
I once went out with a woman who told me, on our
second date, that there was no way she would sleep with me, that her
ex-boyfriend was coming to visit and that it would be "too
complicated" if she were sleeping with me when he came to stay. On our
third date she did everything to let me know that she wanted me, including
lying on my bed, making comments about removing her clothes for a nude massage.
Spooked, I drove her home, dropped her off, and never went out with her again.
I consider it one of the smartest things I've done in my dating life.
(Incidentally, apparently so does she. Every time I meet her she asks why I
don't call her any more.)
MYTH: Women are social geniuses; all women get along
well with each other, while men just fight
TRUTH: I lived in a mixed-sex dorm for two years in
university where each floor was segregated by sex. It alternated: one floor
men, one floor women, one floor men, etc. A few nearby residences were
completely mixed. A couple of the men's floors looked much the worse for wear
at the end of the year. You know, men are so destructive. The women's floors
all looked perfect. All the girls were smiling and friendly. Talk to any of
them, however, and they'd tell you that they hated living on an all-female
floor, and every last damned one of them was moving to the mixed dorms the very
next year, and not with each other. According to them, underneath the tidy
rooms and smiles were claws and forked tongues. Every day was a quiet,
mannerly, pitched social battle. The men, on the other hand, got along just
fine with only a few exceptions. Most of us were quite happy where we were, the
only complaint being that we didn't see the ladies enough.
One thing that is true along the lines of this myth is
that any woman will defend another woman against a man, even a woman that she
doesn't know. Start bad-mouthing women, even a particular woman that isn't
known to "present company," and you'll find women defending her even
though they have no idea what's going on. If anyone—a woman or another
man—verbally attacks a man, other men will not jump in and defend him. Why? Men
assume that other men can look after themselves and, after all, they're
competition. Women assume that an attack on one woman is an attack on all
women.
BITTER MYTH: Women are all the same.
TRUTH: Women are not all the same, and in particular
women change with age. A woman who wouldn't give you a second look at 15 may be
asking you out at 35. In part this is the dreaded "biological clock"
at work, but in part it's also changing priorities. At 15 she wants to impress
all of her friends with her "catch" and she is starting to learn to
control men. She wants variety and excitement. At 25 she wants to have fun with
no strings attached and wants to hone her controlling skills. She wants more
stability but she doesn't want Ward Cleaver or Bill Gates. At 35 she realizes
that the fun days are over and it's time to settle down and get serious.
Boring, nerdy guys who were dog meat at 15 can be
studs at 35. The guys grow up and mature, they learn to need women less, and
they settle into a life of resigned solitude, which means that they cheer up
because they're no longer striving for something they can't have. The field
narrows, and there are fewer single guys with no divorce history. Finally, her
priorities have changed. She's no longer impressed by "bad boys" on
motorcycles with a few convictions for petty crime. She knows that her friends
aren't impressed by flashy, fast-living rogues any longer, any more than
they're still impressed by fashions from Suzy Creamcheese. She's more
interested in building a nest than impressing her friends anyway (and she knows
that building a nest is what will impress them). So, just because you can't get
anywhere now doesn't mean that your whole life will be a write-off. Take a clue
from me: I never had a single date in high school. I had one girlfriend for a
year in University. Ten years later I was beating women off with a stick.
Original URL:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/152468438.html
-------------------------------------------------
this craigslist posting was forwarded to you by
someone using our
email-a-friend feature - if you want to prevent these,
please go to:
http://www.craigslist.org/cgi-bin/te/hhGbptGb19GZhlHQv9GaydmLU
-------------------------------------------------
The power of the Mathematics: "Germany 2006"
1.
2.
3.
4. In Mundial 2002
5. If we want to prognostic the champion for Germany
2006: Subtract 3964-2006=1958... This year in 1958 the Champion was
6. AND THE MOST IMPRESSIVE the Greek fans, we also
have the reason to be happy because for sure we will gain the World Cup in
3964. Because never we gained, so 0+3964=3964.
We need only to wait 489 World Cup in order to be
Champions. That is equivalent to 1958 years. In 1958
Therefore the final in 3964 is going to be GRECCE
against the BRASILENOS?
You cannot imagine the wild goals we are going to put
to them.
"Poor people"... they do not know what they
will confront.
Bush vs Condi v2006
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new
leader of
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
leader of
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in
Condi: Hu is leading
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of
the new leader of
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new
leader of
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a
glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in
George: Will you stay out of
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
Kids are quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER:
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
"..., because as we know, there are known knowns;
there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that
is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also
unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."
Donald Rumsfeld, February 2002
Memo to all employees:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work
and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees
well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than
anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T., please
see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T.
list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.
H. I. T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S. H. I.T. seriously
will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.)
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.HI.T seriously will
have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.)
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were
promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T
already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job teaching
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LEADERSHIP LIST
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T). Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need
S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They
have already had their fill of S.H.I.T
How true are these?!
FRIENDS VS. GREEK FRIENDS
FRIENDS: Never ask for food
GREEK FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
FRIENDS: Will say "hello"
GREEK FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
GREEK FRIENDS: Call your parents Theo and Thea
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
GREEK FRIENDS: Cry with you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave
GREEK FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking,
laughing and just being together
FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it
back.
GREEK FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget
it's yours.
FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
GREEK FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes
from you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the
crowd is doing.
GREEK FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that
left you.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
GREEK FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm
home!"
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
GREEK FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
GREEK FRIENDS: Will forward this
"It is never too late to have a happy
childhood."
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are
married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men,
have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men
with money think we are only after
their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are
heterosexual, somewhat nice and have no money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice
and have money and thank God are straight, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST
MOVE!!!
11. The men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW...WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?!?!
Send this to all women & those men that can help
us understand them better!!!
An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A.
Visa.
Consul: What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab: both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and dogs too!!!
Consul: Man ........ isn't it hostile?
Arab: Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab: Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
It was mealtime during a flight.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight
attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy.
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied.
"No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said.
The kid replied.
"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you
not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious
personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it,
no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his
hand and asked.
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
student, shakes her head and sweetly says.
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with
your other hand."
Why I fired my Secretary…
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would
be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and possibly have a small
present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let
alone " Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They
will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and
didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and
somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered.
I worked until
"I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest
thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally
would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private
table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal
tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You
know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the
office, Do We?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in
mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just
around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and
said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for
just a moment, and be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of
minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Irish Luck - Remember to send it back!
I want this back. It DOES work
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish
farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry
for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a
terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved
the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the
Scotsman's sparse surroundings An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and
introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you," said the nobleman.
"You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did,"
the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's
own son came to the door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with
the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his
father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And
that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools
and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and
went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander
Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved
from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His
son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
It's National Friendship Week. Send this to everyone
you consider A FRIEND.
Pass this on, and brighten someone's day.
AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH: You had better send this
back!! Good Luck!
I hope it works...
May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
OK, this is what you have to do... Send this to all of
your friends.
But - you HAVE to send this within 1 hour from when
you open it!
Now.....Make A wish!! I hope you made your wish!
Now then, if you send to:
1 person --- your wish will be granted in 1 year
3 people --- 6 months
5 people --- 3 months
6 people --- 1 month
7 people --- 2 weeks
8 people --- 1 week
9 people --- 5 days
10 people --- 3 days
12 people --- 2 days
15 people --- 1 day
20 people --- 3 hours
If you delete this after you read it, you will have 1
year of bad luck!
But, if you send it to 2 of your friends, you will
automatically have 3 years good luck!!!
At a U2 concert in
Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the
audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...
"I want you to think about something.
Every time I clap my hands, a child in
A voice from the front of the audience yells out ...
"Then fookin stop clapping, ya arsehole !"
Subject:
How dumb are they?
Now that
Believe it or
not these questions about
Q: I have
never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (
A: We
import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I
be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (
A: Depends
on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want
to walk from
A: Sure,
it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it
safe to run around in the bushes in
A: So it's
true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is
imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed
Beaver. (
A: Let's
not touch this one.
Q: Are
there any ATM's (cash machines) in
A: What did
your last slave die of?
Q: Can you
give me some information about hippo racing in
A: A-fri-ca
is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Q: Which
direction is North in
A: Face
south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send
the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I
bring cutlery into
A: Why?
Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you
send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (
A:
Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh
forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Q: Do you
have perfume in
A: No, WE
don't stink.
Q: I have
developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in
A: Anywhere
significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you
tell me the regions in
A: Yes, gay
nightclubs.
Q: Do you
celebrate Thanksgiving in
A: Only at
Thanksgiving.
Q: Are
there supermarkets in
A: No, we
are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a
question about a famous animal in
A: It's
called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone
walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human
urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I
be able to speak English most places I go? (
A: Yes, but
you will have to learn it first.
Please send
this on to any Canadian (or other) who you think will enjoy it as much as I
did.
An
American, a British & an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer.
The Yankee
drinks his beer & suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun
& shoots the glass into pieces. He says: "In the States our glasses
are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Brit
obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air,
pulls out his gun & shoots the glass into pieces... He says:
"In
The Iraqi,
cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer & drinks it, throws his glass into
the air, pulls out his gun & shoot the American & the Brit. He says:
"In
Below are
true descriptions of zodiac signs, with traits from a book written 35 years ago
by an astrologist predictions. Read your sign, then forward it on, with your
zodiac sign and label on the subject line.
GEMINI -
Irresistible
Nice. Love
is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in the you know where... Lover not
a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud.
Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile.
Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not
forward
VIRGO - The
One that Waits
Dominant in
relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word.
Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy
to please. The one and only. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SCORPIO -
The Addict
EXTREMELY
adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic.
Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy
going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Caring. 4 years
of bad luck if you do not forward.
LIBRA - The
Lame One
Nice to
everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own
unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! however not the kind of
person you wanna mess with ... u might end up crying... 9 years of bad luck if
you do not forward.
ARIES - The
Liar
Outgoing.
Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY
adorable. Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud. 16 years of bad luck if you do
not forward.
AQUARIUS -
Does It In The Water
Trustworthy.
Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term
relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your
expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. 2 years of bad
luck if you do not forward
LEO - The
Lion
Great
talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really
good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth.
Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not
one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do
not forward.
CANCER -
The Cutie
MOST
AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most
caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud
of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock
your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years
of bad luck if you do not forward.
PISCES -
The Partner for Life
Caring and
kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find,
hard to keep. Fun to be around.Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of
Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very
popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
CAPRICORN -
The Passionate Lover
Love to
bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irresistible. Loves being
in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool.
Loves to own Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart. 24 years
of bad luck if you do not forward.
TAURUS -
The Tramp
Aggressive.
Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they
want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser.
Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. One of a kind. Not one to mess
with. Are the most attractive people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do
not forward.
SAGITTARIUS
- The Promiscuous One
Spontaneous.
High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships.
So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to
everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own
unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in the you know
where..!!! Not the kind of person you wanna mess with- you might end up crying.
4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
Difference
between girls & grown women
Girls leave
their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women
make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits
Girls want
to control the man in their life.
Grown women
know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.
Girls check
you for not calling them.
Grown women
are too busy to realize you hadn't.
Girls are
afraid to be alone.
Grown women
revel in it - using it as a time for personal growth.
Girls
ignore the good guys.
Grown women
ignore the bad guys.
Girls make
you come home.
Grown women
make you want to come home.
Girls worry
about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women
know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.
Girls try
to monopolize all their man's time (i.e., don't want him hanging with his
friends).
Grown women
realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more
special-and goes to kick it with her own friends!
Girls think
a guy crying is weak.
Grown women
offer their shoulder and a tissue.
Girls want
to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women
'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of
losing his 'manhood'.
Girls get
hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women
know that that was just one man.
Girls fall
in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all
'signs'.
Grown women
know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on,
without bitterness.
Girls will
read this and get an attitude.
Grown women
will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends.
Before the
marriage:
He: Yes. At
last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you
want me to leave?
He: NO!
Don't even think about it.
She: Do you
love me?
He: Of
course!
She: Have
you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why
you even asking?
She: Will
you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will
you hit me?
He: No way!
I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I
trust you?
Now after
the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top !!!
GNU
utilities is FUN
who | grep
-i blonde | talk;
cd ~; wine;
talk; touch;
unzip;
touch; strip; gasp;
finger;
gasp; mount; fsck;
more; yes;
gasp; unmount;
make clean;
sleep
Lessons in
Logic
If your
father is a poor man,
it is your
fate but,
if your
father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your
stupidity.
........................................................................
I was born
intelligent -
education
ruined me.
........................................................................
Practice
makes perfect...
But nobody's
perfect...
so why
practice?
........................................................................
If it's
true that we are here to help others,
then what
exactly are the others here for?
........................................................................
Since light
travels faster than sound,
people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
........................................................................
How come
'abbreviated' is such a long word?
........................................................................
Money is
not everything.
There's
Mastercard & Visa.
........................................................................
One should
love animals.
They are so
tasty.
........................................................................
Behind
every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind
every unsuccessful man, there are two.
........................................................................
Every man
should marry.
After all,
happiness is not the only thing in life.
........................................................................
The wise
never marry.
and when
they marry they become otherwise.
........................................................................
Success is
a relative term.
It brings
so many relatives.
........................................................................
Never put
off the work till tomorrow.
what you
can put off today.
........................................................................
'Your
future depends on your dreams'.
So go to
sleep.
........................................................................
There
should be a better way to start a day
than waking
up every morning.
........................................................................
'Hard work
never killed anybody'.
But why
take the risk?
........................................................................
'Work
fascinates me'.
I can look
at it for hours.
........................................................................
God made
relatives;
Thank God
we can choose our friends.
........................................................................
The more
you learn, the more you know.
The more
you know, the more you forget.
The more
you forget, the less you know.
So, why
learn?
........................................................................
A bus
station is where a bus stops.
A train
station is where a train stops.
On my desk,
I have a work station...
what more
can I say...?
Feminist
Humor
Women are
like tea bags, you never know how strong they are until they are in HOT water.
Don't
imagine you can change a man - unless he is in diapers.
What do you
if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
If they can
send a man to the moon - why can't they send them all?
Never let
your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
Go for
younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Definition
of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman
miserable.
Women don't
make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
Love is
blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want
a committed man, look in the mental hospital
The
children of
Sadly, all
men are created equal
A man walks
into a store which sells brains for transplant use. As he browses the
selection, he notices that the female brains are cheaper than the male brains.
When he asks for an explanation for the price difference, the store clerk
responds: 'The female brains are less expensive because they have actually been
used.'
Q: Why are
men and parking spaces alike?
A: Because
all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Q: What is
the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through
his chest with a sharp knife.
Never trust
a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things as
well.
Scientists
have just discovered something that can do the work of five men.....a woman.
Three
fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them
one wish each so the the first fisherman said: 'double my I.Q.', so the mermaid
did it and he started reciting Shakespeare.
Then the
second fisherman said' 'Triple my I.Q.' and sure enough the mermaid did it and
amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.
The third
fisherman was so impressed that he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and
the mermaid said: 'Are you sure about that? It will change your whole life!'.
The fisherman said yes so the mermaid turned him into a woman.
Something
strange going on with Microsoft
MAGIC #1
An Indian
discovered that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the Computer which can
be named as 'CON' (without the quotes). This is something pretty Cool...and
Unbelievable.... At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this
happened!
TRY IT NOW,
IT WILL NOT CREATE 'CON' FOLDER!
MAGIC #2
For those
of you using Windows, do the following:
1.) Open an
empty notepad file.
2.) Type
'Bush hid the facts' (without the quotes).
3.) Save it
as whatever you want.
4.) Close
it, and re-open it.
is it just
a really weird bug?
:-??
MAGIC #3
Microsoft
crazy facts
This is
something pretty cool and neat...and unbelievable...
At
Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this
happened!
It was
discovered by a Brazilian. Try it out yourself...
Open
Microsoft Word and type
=rand (200,
99)
And then
press ENTER
Then see
the magic...
MALE VS.
FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign
in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the
procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.After months of careful
research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please
follow the appropriate steps for your gender
MALE
PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up
to the cash machine.
2. Roll
down your car window.
3. Insert
card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter
amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve
card, cash and receipt.
6. Put
window up.
7. Drive
off.
**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up
to cash machine.
2. Reverse
back up the required amount you overshot ATM by to align car window with the
machine.
3. Put the
handbrake on prior to rolling the window down.
4. Find
handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell
person on your mobile that you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt
to insert card into machine.
7. Open car
door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the
car.
8. Insert
card.
9.
Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig
through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter
PIN.
12. Press
cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter
amount of cash required.
14. Check
makeup in rear view mirror.
15.
Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty
handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write
debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18.
Re-check makeup.
19. Drive
forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse
back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve
card.
22.
Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give
dirty look to irate male driver who tooted because you almost reversed into
him.
24. Restart
stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial
person on mobile.
26. Drive
for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release
handbrake.
The Problem
with Outsourcing
I was
depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call
center in
Told them I
was suicidal.
They got
all excited and asked if I could fly a plane!
*** Revocation
of Canada's Recognition of the FYROM as the Republic of Macedonia
To: Parliament of Canada
To the
Parliament of
The
recognition of the
"Occupying
the bigger part of northern
Although
very little of the Macedonian tongue has survived, there is no doubt that it
was a Greek dialect. This is clear from a whole series of indications and
linguistic phenomena by which the koine of the region is "colored"
which are not Attic but which can only have derived from a Greek dialect. For
example: The vast majority of even the earliest names, whether dynastic names
or not, are Greek, formed from Greek roots and according to Greek models:
Hadista, Philista, Sostrata, Philotas, Perdikkas, Machatas and hundreds of
others.
The
inhabitants of
Alexander
of Macedon I :
"Had I
not greatly at heart the common welfare of Greece, I should not have come to
tell you; but I am myself a Greek by descent, and I would not willingly see
Greece exchange freedom for slavery. I am Alexander of Macedon."
Alexander
of Macedon I states himself that he is Greek, but from the northern region of
The
language of the Skopjians was and is a Bulgarian dialect. Beginning in the 1860
and 70s, the Bulgarian idiom was dubbed 'makedonski' by the first Macedonists,
without success initially they attempted to promote the term among the wider
Slavonic population of
Despite the
Slavs of F.Y.R.O.M being under the rule of
The
'Macedonian' language, as a self-contained Slav tongue, was completely unknown
until the time of the Second World War. The language used by the Slav-speaking
inhabitants of southern
After the
foundation of the 'Socialist Republic of Macedonia ', attempts were made, for
obvious political reasons, to break the linguistic bonds which joined the
inhabitants of Yugoslav Macedonia with
Taking the
Perlepes dialect as their starting-point and borrowing widely from Serbian,
Bulgarian, Russian and other Slav languages, the 'Macedonian literary language'
was created and recognized by the Yugoslav Constitution as one of the country's
three official languages.
Countries
are products of historical events, which is why they are born and die. Nations
do not. Nations are entities that take a very arduous time to evolve. The same
thing is true for their appellation. Nations cannot be given birth and receive
names whenever politicians wish by legislation, as it is the case of the FYROM.
The
present-day Hellenic nation is the result of social, civic and linguistic
amalgamation of more than 230 tribes speaking more than 200 dialects that
claimed descent from Helen, son of Deukalion. The Hellenic nation is blessed to
espouse in its lengthy life great personalities such as politicians, educators,
soldiers, philosophers and authors. They have all contributed in their own way
to the molding of their nation. They are the result of natural maturity and a
consequence of historical, social, civic, linguistic and political developments
that have taken place in the last 4,000 years."
The word
We look
forward to your revoking the recognition of the FYROM as the
Sincerely,
...
*** BUSINESS PROPOSAL
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office … but she
belonged to someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you... but the
girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the
floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up
the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks
what happened...
She said "The bastard used coins"…
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal
in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Please fill
in your name in Japanese (refer to table below) and send it to all of your
friends including the person who sent it to you to show how crazy it looks...
Please
delete unnecessary text before you send to keep this list clean... PLEASE PASS IT ON... DON'T SPOIL THE FUN
PS. I would
appreciate it if you called me by my Japanese name in future
A - ka
B - tu
C - mi
D - te
E – ku
F - lu
G - ji
H - ri
I - ki
J – zu
K - me
L - ta
M - rin
N - to
O –mo
P - no
Q - ke
R - shi
S - ari
T –s
U - do
V - ru
W -mei
X - na
Y – fu
Z - zi
1. Carmen - Mikashirinkuto
2. Riekie - shikikumekiku
3. Jackie - zukamimekiku or zukamikedokutakitoku (just call me zuka)
4. Lisa - takiarika
5. Sheryl -
Aririkushifuki
6. Charl -
Mirikashiki (Charlene was just
too much!)
7. Janice - Zukatokimite
8. Barbara -
Tukashitukashika
9. Jenny -
Zukutotofu
10. Andrea - Katoteshikuka
11. Mirella - Rinkishikutataka
12. Allison - Katatakiarimoto
13. Coleen - Mimotakukuto
14. Jasmina - Zukaarinkitoka
15. madenia - Rinkatekutokika
16. Gaqkemah - Jikakemekurinkari
17. Nadia - Tokatekika
18. Tasha - Chikaaririka
19. Candice - Mikatotekimiku
20. Nicole - Tokimotaku
21. Winston - Meikitoarichimoto
22. Chantel - Mirikatochikuta
23. Santa - Arikatochika
24. Cathy -
Mikachirifu
25. Ernest-Kushitokuaris
26. Lindie - Takitotekiku
27. Renier-Shikutokikushi
28. Sonja - Arimotozuka
29. Erica - Kushikimika
30. Barbara -
Tukashitukashika
31. Marcia - Rinkashimikika (could have been
worse :-) I can actually pronounce it !! )
32. Dorothea - Temoshimosrikuka (Good Lord!)
33. Stella - Ariskukikika :)
34. Despina - Tekuarinokitoka !!!
35.
36. Eleni - Kutakutokia
37. Vasilis: Rukarikitakiari
38. Katerina: mekaskushikitoka
39. Valentini: Rukatakutoskitoki
40. ALEXANDRA :Katakunakatoteshika
41. YIANNIS
SKUTAKIMOARI
42. ELEFTHERIA-KUKIKOLUSRIKUSHIKA XA XA XAAAA
43. Fotis - Lumoskiari (Yparxoun kai xeirotera!!!)
44. Stella - ariskutataka
45.
46. Vasilhs =
ru-ka-ari-ki-ta-ri-ari
47. Vangelis = rukatojikutakiari
48.
despina=tekuarinokitoka
49. roula =
shimodotaka
50. Dora=
temoshika
51.
Christos = mi-ri-shi-ki-ari-s-mo-ari (i'd like to know who invents such
ari-ri-ki-s!!!)
***
Important Health Info Regarding Cancer from Johns
AFTER YEARS
OF TELLING PEOPLE CHEMOTHERAPY IS THE ONLY WAY TO TRY (TRY THE KEY WORD) AND
ELIMINATE CANCER, JOHN HOPKINS IS FINALLY STARTING TO TELL YOU THERE IS AN
Cancer
Update from Johns
1. Every
person has cancer cells in the body. These cancer cells do not show up in the
standard tests until they have multiplied to a few billion. When doctors tell
cancer patients that there are no more cancer cells in their bodies after
treatment, it just means the tests are unable to detect the cancer cells
because they have not reached the detectable size.
2. Cancer
cells occur between 6 to more than 10 times in a person's lifetime.
3. When the
person's immune system is strong the cancer cells will be destroyed and
prevented from multiplying and forming tumors.
4. When a
person has cancer it indicates the person has multiple nutritional
deficiencies. These could be due to genetic, environmental, food and lifestyle
factors.
5. To
overcome the multiple nutritional deficiencies, changing diet and including
supplements will strengthen the immune system.
6.
Chemotherapy involves poisoning the rapidly-growing cancer cells and also
destroys rapidly-growing healthy cells in the bone marrow, gastro-intestinal
tract etc, and can cause organ damage, like liver, kidneys, heart, lungs etc.
7.
Radiation while destroying cancer cells also burns, scars and damages healthy
cells, tissues and organs.
8. Initial
treatment with chemotherapy and radiation will often reduce tumor size. However
prolonged use of chemotherapy and radiation do not result in more tumor
destruction.
9 When the
body has too much toxic burden from chemotherapy and radiation the immune
system is either compromised or destroyed, hence the person can succumb to
various kinds of infections and complications.
10.
Chemotherapy and radiation can cause cancer cells to mutate and become
resistant and difficult to destroy. Surgery can also cause cancer cells to
spread to other sites.
11. An
effective way to battle cancer is to starve the cancer cells by not feeding it
with the foods it needs to multiply.
CANCER
CELLS FEED ON:
a. Sugar is
a cancer-feeder. By cutting off sugar it cuts off one important food supply to
the cancer cells. Sugar substitutes like NutraSweet, Equal, Spoonful, etc are
made with Aspartame and it is harmful. A better natural substitute would be
Manuka honey or molasses but only in very small amounts. Table salt has a
chemical added to make it white in color. Better alternative is Bragg's aminos
or sea salt.
b. Milk
causes the body to produce mucus, especially in the gastro-intestinal tract.
Cancer feeds on mucus. By cutting off milk and substituting with unsweetened
soya milk cancer cells are being starved.
c. Cancer
cells thrive in an acid environment. A meat-based diet is acidic and it is best
to eat fish, and a little chicken rather than beef or pork. Meat also contains
livestock antibiotics, growth hormones and parasites, which are all harmful, especially
to people with cancer.
d. A diet
made of 80% fresh vegetables and juice, whole grains, seeds, nuts and a little
fruits help put the body into an alkaline environment. About 20% can be from
cooked food including beans. Fresh vegetable juices provide live enzymes that
are easily absorbed and reach down to cellular levels within 15 minutes to
nourish and enhance growth of healthy cells. To obtain live enzymes for
building healthy cells try and drink fresh vegetable juice (most vegetables
including bean sprouts)and eat some raw vegetables 2 or 3 times a day. Enzymes
are destroyed at temperatures of 104 degrees F (40 degrees C).
e. Avoid
coffee, tea, and chocolate, which have high caffeine.Green tea is a better
alternative and has cancer-fighting properties. Water-best to drink purified
water, or filtered, to avoid known toxins and heavy metals in tap water.
Distilled water is acidic, avoid it.
12. Meat
protein is difficult to digest and requires a lot of digestive enzymes.
Undigested meat remaining in the intestines becomes putrified and leads to more
toxic buildup.
13. Cancer
cell walls have a tough protein covering. By refraining from or eating less
meat it frees more enzymes to attack the protein walls of cancer cells and
allows the body's killer cells to destroy the cancer cells.
14. Some
supplements build up the immune system (IP6, Flor-ssence, Essiac,
anti-oxidants, vitamins, minerals, EFAs etc.) to enable the body's own killer
cells to destroy cancer cells. Other supplements like vitamin E are known to
cause apoptosis, or programmed cell death, the body's normal method of
disposing of damaged, unwanted, or unneeded cells.
15. Cancer
is a disease of the mind, body, and spirit. A proactive and positive spirit
will help the cancer warrior be a survivor. Anger, unforgiveness and bitterness
put the body into a stressful and acidic environment. Learn to have a loving
and forgiving spirit. Learn to relax and enjoy life.
16. Cancer
cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated environment. Exercising daily, and deep
breathing help to get more oxygen down to the cellular level. Oxygen therapy is
another means employed to destroy cancer cells.
(PLEASE
FORWARD IT TO PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT)
CANCER
UPDATE FROM
1. No
plastic containers in micro.
2. No
plastic water bottles in freezer.
3. No
plastic wrap in microwave.
Johns
Hopkins has recently sent this out in its newsletters. This information is
being circulated at
Dioxin
chemicals cause cancer, especially breast cancer.
Dioxins are
highly poisonous to the cells of our bodies.
Don't
freeze your plastic bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from
the plastic.
Recently,
Dr. Edward Fujimoto, Wellness Program Manager at
This
especially applies to foods that contain fat. He said that the combination of
fat, high heat, and plastics releases dioxin into the food and ultimately into
the cells of the body. Instead, he recommends using glass, such as Corning
Ware, Pyrex or ceramic containers for heating food.
You get the
same results, only without the dioxin. So such things as TV dinners, instant
ramen and soups, etc., should be removed from the container and heated in
something else.
Paper isn't
bad but you don't know what is in the paper. It's just safer to use tempered
glass, Corning Ware, etc. He reminded us that a while ago some of the fast food
restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is
one of the reasons.
Also, he
pointed out that plastic wrap, such as Saran, is just as dangerous when placed
over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat
causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into
the food. Cover food with a paper towel instead.
This is an
article that should be sent to anyone important in your life.
*** Agony
column
Dear Abby.
My husband
is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated from the beginning and, when I confront
him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job seven years ago, he hasn't
even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around
and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our
daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He doesn't
even defend my reputation when people suggest I may be a lesbian. What should I
do?
Clueless
----
Dear
Clueless,
Grow up and
dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States
Senator from
*** I'm one
of the 55. Are You?
fi yuo cna
raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out
of 100 can.
i cdnuolt
blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt
tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be
a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the
huamn mni d deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed
tihs forwrad it.
ONLY
FORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS
People of
By NICHOLAS PAPHITIS
Associated Press Writer
Three islanders from
One of the plaintiffs said Wednesday that the name of
the association, Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece, "insults the
identity" of the people of
"My sister can't say she is a Lesbian," said
Dimitris Lambrou. "Our geographical designation has been usurped by
certain ladies who have no connection whatsoever with
The three plaintiffs are seeking to have the group
barred from using "lesbian" in its name and filed a lawsuit on April
10. The other two plaintiffs are women.
Also called Mytilene, after its capital,
"This is not an aggressive act against gay
women," Lambrou said. "Let them visit
He said the plaintiffs targeted the group because it
is the only officially registered gay group in
Sappho lived from the late 7th to the early 6th
century B.C. and is considered one of the greatest poets of antiquity. Many of
her poems, written in the first person and intended to be accompanied by music,
contain passionate references to love for other women.
Lambrou said the word lesbian has only been linked
with gay women in the past few decades. "But we have been Lesbians for
thousands of years," said Lambrou, who publishes a small magazine on
ancient Greek religion and technology that frequently criticizes the Christian
Church.
Very little is known of Sappho's life. According to
some ancient accounts, she was an aristocrat who married a rich merchant and
had a daughter with him. One tradition says that she killed herself by jumping
off a cliff over an unhappy love affair.
Lambrou says Sappho was not gay. "But even if we
assume she was, how can 250,000 people of Lesbian descent - including women - be
considered homosexual?"
The Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece could
not be reached for comment.
© 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This
material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. Learn
more about our Privacy Policy.
WRECKED
A340-600 at
These are
pictures of the wreck of a brand new A340-600, in November 2007, that had never
flown--brand spanking new right out of the hanger, without a single hour of air
time.
Enter the
flight crew.
Thank the
French and their Arab friends for this bit of 'comedy of errors'.
Nine
employees of the Arab airline were in the aircraft, but not one employee from
French Airbus was present.
Then they
took all four engines to takeoff power with virtually an empty aircraft.
This was
their first mistake as they obviously didn't read the run-up manuals.
They had no
clue just how light an empty air bus really is. No chocks were set, not that it
would have mattered at that power setting. The brakes will not hold it back at
full power anyway.
As it turns
out, the takeoff warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit because they had
all 4 engines at full power.
The
aircraft computers thought they were trying to takeoff but it had not been
configured properly (flaps/slats, etc., etc.).
Then one of
these brain surgeons decided to pull the 'Ground Sense' circuit breaker to
silence the alarms. This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air.
That was
their last mistake. As soon as they did that, the computers automatically
released all the brakes and set the aircraft rocketing forward.
had no idea
that this is a safety feature so that pilots can't land with the brakes on.
There was
no time to stop and no one smart enough to throttle back the engines from their
max power setting.
***** Some
answers to everyday questions about fitness and the importance of a good diet.
Q: I've
heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your
heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
Don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will
not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I
cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must
grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.
Q: Should I
reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not
at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take
the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can
I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if
you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two
bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are
some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't
think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't
fried foods bad for you?
A: You're
not listening... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're
permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will
sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A:
Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is
chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you
crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food
around!!
Q: Is swimming
good for your figure?
A: If
swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is
getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey!
'Round' is a shape!!
And
remember:
"Life
should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in
an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
*** How
GREEKS do business!!!
Greek
father, talking to his son:
NICK POULOS
(father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
GEORGE
POULOS: 'I will choose my own bride!!!
NICK POULOS
(father): 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.'
GEORGE
POULOS 'Well, in that case... ok'
Next NICK
POULOS approaches Bill Gates.
NICK POULOS
(father): 'I have a husband for your daughter...'
Bill Gates:
'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!
NICK POULOS
(father): 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates:
'Ah, in that case... ok'
Finally
NICK POULOS goes to see the president of the World Bank:
NICK
POULOS: 'I have a young man to recommend as a vice-president.'
President:
'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
NICK
POULOS: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'
President:
'Ah, in that case... ok'
THE BEST
Put Down LINE EVER
For those
that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an "Australian
treasure!"
General
Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love
his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of
the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview
between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a
Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE
INTERVIEWER:
So, General
Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit
your base?
GENERAL
COSGROVE:
We're going
to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE
INTERVIEWER:
Shooting!
That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL
COSGROVE:
I don't see
why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE
INTERVIEWER:
Don't you
admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL
COSGROVE:
I don't see
how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a
firearm.
FEMALE
INTERVIEWER:
But you're
equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL
COSGROVE:
Well,
Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio
went silent and the interview ended.
*** Hope
you can send the green dog back to ME!
Read Each
One Carefully & Think About It a Second or Two
1. I love
you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man
or woman is worth your tears, & the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just
because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they
don't love you with all they have.
4. A true
friend is someone who reaches for your hand & touches your heart.
5. The
worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't
have them
6. Never
frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love
with your smile.
7. To the
world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't
waste your time on someone, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe
God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that
when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't
cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's
always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on
trusting & just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make
yourself a better person & know who you are before you try & know
someone else & expect them to know you.
13. Don't
try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
REMEMBER:
WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
True
friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends?
Hardly
anyone I know! But some of us have all right friends & good friends!!!
You have
been Tagged by the Green Dog!
,-._,-..
\/)'(\/
(_o_)
ruff!!!!!!
You will
Have Good Luck For Two Years if you send this to 8 people or more and if this
is sent back to you then you are a true friend...
You must
send it in 5 minutes or your good luck will run out
*****
INCREDIBLE BEAUTY OF MATH
1 x 8 + 1 =
9
12 x 8 + 2
= 98
123 x 8 + 3
= 987
1234 x 8 +
4 = 9876
12345 x 8 +
5 = 98765
123456 x 8
+ 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8
+ 7 = 9876543
12345678 x
8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x
8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 =
11
12 x 9 + 3
= 111
123 x 9 + 4
= 1111
1234 x 9 +
5 = 11111
12345 x 9 +
6 = 111111
123456 x 9
+ 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9
+ 8 = 11111111
12345678 x
9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x
9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 =
88
98 x 9 + 6
= 888
987 x 9 + 5
= 8888
9876 x 9 +
4 = 88888
98765 x 9 +
3 = 888888
987654 x 9
+ 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9
+ 1 = 88888888
98765432 x
9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant,
isn't it?
And look at
this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 =
121
111 x 111 =
12321
1111 x 1111
= 1234321
11111 x
11111 = 123454321
111111 x
111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x
1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x
11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x
111111111 = 12345678987654321
"Those
who have the gold make the rules."
All major
corporations, and other elitist groups included. In this case the golden boy of
the corporate sponsors Michael Phelps (he will be the biggest product pitchman
for the next 4 years around the planet) had to win 8 golden medals to secure
the appeal of the consumer.
Either by
eating endless mountains of pizza and pasta....and some other steroids and
anabolics, or by help of the technology even in front of the eyes of billions
of spectators.
The
attached photo shows who really won the race of the century, (the guy on the
left with the black swimsuit) and his name is Cavic from
If they do
this with the manipulation of technology for the Olympics, imagine what will
happen with the upcoming
And if
everything else fails for a hypocrite, there is always the injury solution,
like the one that happened to the Chinese 110 meters hurdler, who either
couldn't handle the pressure of losing, or he got scared that he will get
caught, and he "injured" himself during the warm up. Thank God they
have a lot of good acupuncturists in
Now, go buy
your cereal box with Michael Phelps face on it.
Global
crisis
If the
global crisis continues, by the end of the year only two banks will be
operational, the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!
Then these
2 banks will merge and it will be called 'The Bloody Fucking Bank'
*** Only
great minds can read this
This is
weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna
raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo
raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt
blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt
tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be
a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the
huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed
tihs forwrad it
FORWARD
ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT
WHY MEN ARE
NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are
Just Happier People. What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last
name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be
pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt
to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is
just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux
rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New
shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A
five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone
forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is
$8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost
never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your
clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle
lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You
can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color
for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do'
your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes. No wonder men are happier.
Send this
to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it!
New xmas
song
You'd
better watch out
You'd
better not cry
You'd
better keep cash
I'm telling
you why:
Recession
is coming to town.
It's
hitting you once,
It's
hitting you twice
It doesn't
care if you've been careful and wise
Recession
is coming to town
It's
worthless if you've got shares
It's
worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe
when you've got cash in hand
So keep
cash for goodness sake, HEY
You'd
better watch out
You'd
better not cry
You'd
better keep cash
I'm telling
you why:
Recession
is coming to town!
Finance
products are confusing
Finance
products are so vague
The banks
make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out
for goodness sake, OH
You'd
better watch out
You'd
better not cry
You'd
better keep cash
I'm telling
you why:
Recession
is coming to town.
EVEN GOD
ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH
There were
3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He
called everyone brother.
2. He liked
Gospel.
3. He
couldn't get a fair trial.
But then
there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went
into His Father's business.
2. He lived
at home until he was 33.
3. He was
sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then
there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He
talked with His hands.
2. He had
wine with His meals.
3. He used
olive oil.
But then
there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never
cut His hair.
2. He
walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He
started a new religion.
But then
there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American-Indian:
1. He was
at peace with nature.
2. He ate a
lot of fish.
3. He
talked about the Great Spirit.
But then
there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never
got married.
2. He was
always telling stories.
3. He loved
green pastures.
But the
most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a
crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept
trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even
when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
AMEN
Dementia
Quiz
Below are
four (4) questions and a Bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and
the quickness of your logical processing.
They are
stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.
To assure
the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time, but instead, answer
each of them immediately.
OK?
Let's find
out just how clever you really are...
Ready?
GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q's and A's)
First
Question:
You are a
participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you
in?
Answer: If
you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake
the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!
Try not to
screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time
as you took for the first question, OK?
Second
Question :
If you
overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll
down)
Answer: If
you answered that you are second to last, then you are; ; ; ;WRONG again. Tell
me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??
You're not
very good at this, are you?
Third
Question :
Very tricky
arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and
pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000
and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add
20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
Scroll down
for the correct answer.....
Did you get
5000 ?
The correct
answer is actually 4100...
If you
don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is
definitely not your day, is it ?
Maybe
you'll get the last question right... Maybe...
Fourth
Question:
Mary's
father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ? ?? What is
the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you
Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is
Mary you retard! Read the question again!
Okay, now
the Bonus round,
i.e., a
final chance to
redeem
yourself:
A mute
person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action
of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and
the purchase is done.
Next, a
blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does
HE indicate what he wants?
It's really
very simple
He opens
his mouth and ask for it...
Does your
employer actually pay you to think??
If so Do
NOT let them see your answers for this test!
PASS TH IS
ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART
PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Have a nice
day, one and all.
***
Marriage Humour
Wife: 'What
are you doing?'
Husband :
Nothing.
Wife :
'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband :
'I was looking for the expiry date.'
----
Son: 'Mum,
when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a
lady.'
Mom: 'Well,
you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But
mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
----
A newly
married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left
me a fortune?'
'Honey,'
the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A
FORTUNE!'
----
Girl to her
boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever
The guy
replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
----
A wife
asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy
body?'
He looked
at her from head to toe and replied: 'Your sense of humour!'
----
Wife: 'You
always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby:
'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the
problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You
see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby:
'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater
than this one?'
----
Stress
Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's
very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well
that's because we aren't married yet.'
----
Wife : 'Do
you want dinner?'
Husband :
'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes
or no.'
Washington
DC Metro Station on a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about
45 minutes. During that time approx 2 thousand people went through the station,
most of them on their way to work. After
3 mins a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his
pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.
4 mins
later the violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the
till and, without stopping, continued to walk.
6 minutes,
a young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk
again.
10
mins: a 3 year old boy stopped but his
mother tugged him along hurriedly, as the kid stopped to look at the violinist.
Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his
head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every
parent, without exception, forced them to move on.
45 minutes;
the musician played. Only 6 people
stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk
their normal pace.
He
collected $32.
1 hour; he
finished playing and silence took over.
No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.
No one knew
this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world.
He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth
$3.5 million dollars. Two days before
Joshua Bell sold out a theater in
This is a
real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by
the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about perception, taste and
people's priorities. The questions raised: in a common place environment at an
inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we
recognize talent in an unexpected context?
One possible
conclusion reached from this experiment could be:
If we do
not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world
playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful
instruments .... how many other things are we missing?
Failure is
not when
Tension is
when wife is pregnant!
Terror:
When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror:
When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!
The Blue
Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the
female.
And you
always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!
Why is it
that a girl looks down when u say I love u? To see if u really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?....because no
matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u have to do it again.
Wives are
funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then
they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My
hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex.
Friend:
Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not
really. It only happens once in 4
Years.*
The stock
markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just
refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!
This week
is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan:
“We stare
because We care!
The saddest
part of a Man's body is his Balls.
....the Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang
Till Death !
A loud
scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runsin. He sees a guy leaping out
of the window.
Wife yells:
That guy just screwed me twice!*
Husband:
Twice?
Why didn't
you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife:
Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
What is the
difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is
the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of a standing cock.
If a bomb
bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it
bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana
split.
What's the
diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb
blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
A woman
needs one man to satisfy her every need.
A man needs
every woman to satisfy his one need...
Inner Peace
If you can
start the day without caffeine,
If you can
always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can
resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can
eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can
understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you anytime,
If you can
take criticism and blame without resentment ,
If you can
conquer tension without medical help,
If you can
relax without liquor,
If you can
sleep without the aid of drugs,
...
Then You
Are Probably The Family Dog!
Driver's
License
A mother is
driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy, the
little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you
are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the
little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now
really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of
your business.'
Undaunted,
the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's
enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The
exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mom
won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,'
says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like
a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that
night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother
is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also
know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother
is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that
out?'
'And,' the
little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh
really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because
you got an F in sex.'
Neiman
Marcus - Biscuit Recipe
This is a
true story. Please forward when you
finish reading!
A little
background:
Neiman-Marcus,
if you don't know already, is a very expensive boutique shop (they sell a
typical $8.00 T-shirt for $50.00).
My daughter
and I had just finished lunch at a Neiman-Marcus Cafe in
I asked how
much, and she responded; 'Only
I agreed to
that, and told her to add it to my bill.
Thirty days
later, I got my Visa statement, and the Neiman-Marcus charge was $285. I looked
at it again, and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two sandwiches and
about $20 for a scarf. At the bottom of the statement, it said, 'Cookie Recipe
- $250.00'. That was outrageous!
I called
Neiman's Accounting Department and told them the waitress had said it was '
Neiman-Marcus
refused to budge. They would not refund my money because according to them;
'What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe.
We absolutely will not refund your money.
I explained
to the Accounting Department lady the criminal statutes which govern fraud in
the state of
I said, OK,
you've got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250 worth of fun. I told her
that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the world with an
e-mail account gets a $250 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus for free. She
replied, 'I wish you wouldn't do that.' I said, 'Well, perhaps you should have
thought of that before you RIPPED ME OFF!' and slammed down the phone.
So here it
is! Please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 for
this, and I don't want Neiman-Marcus to EVER make another penny from this
recipe!
NEIMAN-MARCUS
COOKIES (Recipe may be halved as this makes heaps)
2 (500 ml)
cups butter
680 g
chocolate chips
4 (1000 ml)
cups flour
2 (500 ml)
cups brown sugar
2 tsp.. (10
ml) Bicarbonate of soda
1 tsp. (5
ml) salt
2 (500 ml)
cups sugar
500 g
Grated Cadbury chocolate
5 (1250 ml)
cups blended oatmeal
4 eggs
2 tsp. (10
ml) baking powder
2 tsp.. (10
ml) vanilla
3 cups (375
ml) chopped nuts (optional)
Measure
oatmeal, and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the butter and both
sugars. Add eggs and vanilla, mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking
powder, and bicarbonate of soda. Add chocolate chips, grated Chocolate and
nuts. Roll into balls, and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for
10 minutes at 375 degrees (180 C).
The above
quantities make 112 cookies. Enjoy!
PLEASE KEEP
THE RECIPE AND SEND IT TO EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW WHO HAS AN E-MAIL ADDRESS!
This is not
a joke-it's a true story.
*** IF YOU
CROSS THE BORDER ILLEGALLY…
IF YOU
CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY,
... YOU GET
12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.
IF YOU
CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY,
... YOU ARE
DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU
CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY,
... YOU GET
SHOT.
IF YOU
CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY,
... YOU
WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU
CROSS THE
... YOU
WILL BE BEATEN UP BY THE LOCAL POLICE.
IF YOU
CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY,
... YOU MAY
NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU
CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY,
... YOU
WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU
CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY,
... YOU
WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU
CROSS THE GREEK BORDER ILLEGALLY,
... YOU GET
- A JOB ,
- A DRIVERS LICENSE,
- SOCIAL INSURANCE CARD ,
- WELFARE,
- FOOD STAMPS,
- CREDIT CARDS,
- SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
- FREE EDUCATION,
- FREE HEALTH CARE ,
- A FREE PASS OUT OF JAIL AND IN MANY
INSTANCES ...
- YOU CAN EVEN VOTE !!!
*** Why did
the banks go after the poor Greeks, Daddy? Good question...
Daddy,
Daddy, who are the "financial markets" who are bullying the Greeks
and the euro? Well, son, they are hedge funds, pension funds and the trading
arms of the big banks.
But Daddy
aren't those the same banks which the world's governments have just spent
billions of euros, pounds and dollars to rescue from the consequences of their
own greed and stupidity?
Er, yes
son. And, Daddy, aren't those banks now betting those same billions to try to
make money from the fact that some of the governments are over the heads in
debt? Er, yes son.
And these
countries, including
Well, son,
yes, that's partly true but some countries, especially
OK, Daddy,
I understand that. It's very naughty of them. But isn't this still a case of
the banks biting the hand that fed them?
Er, no,
son, it's worse that that. It's like the banks complaining that governments are
naked after taking their clothes.
But the
markets (i.e. banks) don't think that way. If they smell blood, they pile in
like hyenas after a limping zebra. It's called a market opportunity.
But why did
they suddenly go after the poor Greeks, Daddy? Haven't their olives been
stuffed for years? Yes, son, but the markets noticed two things. First, that a
new Greek government had confessed that the country's budget deficit last year
was 12.7 per cent of GDP - double the number the previous government had
thought of. It probably wasn't that high actually. The new government in Athens
reckoned that it would be a good wheeze to inflate the number so that they
could gain credit for bringing it down rapidly in 2010. It is called a mythical
Greek figure. Mythical or not, it was enough for the markets to smell blood -
or money.
And the
second thing that the markets noticed, Daddy? I was coming to that, son. They
noticed that
So what did
the "financial markets" do, Daddy? They started a gambling game in
which they bet on a possible Greek "default": that
So what
happened, Daddy? The EU made a statement last Thursday that it would stand
shoulder to shoulder with
But, Daddy,
that will be quite easy for the Greeks because the 12.7 per cent figure for
2009 was exaggerated in the first place. Er, yes, son, but "the
markets" chose to accept that figure so they are now stuck with it. We are
talking about "market reality" which is not the same thing as real
reality.
And, in
fact, the new Greek government is taking, by Greek standards, very tough
measures, including a plan to make lawyers and doctors and restaurant-owners
pay some income tax.
But Daddy,
why did the EU not just give the Greeks the money and tell the markets to ...
Shh, son, no rude words.
That's
where we come to another kind of reality - "political reality". The
other EU governments, especially the stern Germans, wanted to make sure that
Athens would start to take its medicine before they gave them any sweeties.
Remember
Aesop's fable about the ants and the grasshoppers, son? Well Aesop was an
ancient Greek but, according to the Germans, the modern Greeks are
grasshoppers.
Is that
all, Daddy? No, son. The "crisis" was pushing down the value of the
euro against the dollar, which was something the Germans and others rather
liked because it would help their economies. Like the sinner who wanted to be
good but not yet, they wanted the Greek crisis to end but not immediately.
Isn't that a dangerous game, Daddy?
Yes, son.
So what
happened? It's still a bit unclear. The "markets" - thousands of
people playing poker at the same time - are still trying to see how best to
make money from the new situation. Should they carry on betting on Greek
default? Or should they now bet on everything being OK?
Is this a
sensible way to run the world, Daddy? No, son, but consider this. The crisis
has scared the Greeks. They may now finally put their house in order which
will, in the long run, be good for the Greeks.
The crisis,
which is a Greek word, son, has also scared the EU, even the stern Germans. The
original rules of the euro - good rules for good times but bad rules for bad times
- will probably be changed. Something will be done to permit the EU to help
struggling states, so that, in future, the markets will not smell blood and
worsen the problems of stragglers.
So good can
come from bad? What do you call that, Daddy? A "paradox", son. Is
that also a Greek word? Yes, son, now go to bed.
j.lichfield@independent.co.uk
[j.lichfield@independent.co.uk]
Mom
depending on age...!!!
Age 4: Mom
knows everything!
At 8: Mom
knows a lot!
At 12: Mom
doesn’t really know everything.
At 14: Mom
doesn’t know anything.
At 16: Mom
doesn’t exist.
At 18:
She’s old fashioned.
At 25:
Maybe Mom does know about this.
At 35:
Before we decide, let’s ask Mom.
At 45: I
wonder ...what... Mom would think about this.
...
At
75:......... I wish I could ask Mom.
Post this
if you have or had best Mom in the world!
Can you
read this?
7H15
M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3
B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD!
0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
PL3453
F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15!
Merkel in
Angela
Merkel arrives at Passport Control at CDG Paris.
"Nationality?"
asks the immigration officer.
"German,"
she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No,
just here for a few days."