JOKES
English
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40585 = 4! + 0! +5! + 8! + 5!
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HOW ODD...
Today,
NEW MATH - ADDITIONS:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profits
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
Woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she doesn't
need.
Woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
Man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.
Successful man makes more money than his wife can
spend.
Successful woman is one who finds such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and
understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate overnight.
Woman marries a man expecting he will change, he
doesn't.
Man marries a woman expecting she won't change, she
does.
Married men live longer than single men; however, they
are also more willing to die.
Married men should forget about their mistakes.
No point in two people remembering the same thing.
Woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
new argument.
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words
in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one
magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and
hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It
can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive
(Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a
passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking
interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be
used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm
late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is
easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with
the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual
connotations, this incredible word can be used to
describe many situations:
1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking
business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be
happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on
here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck,
anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do
that?"
23. It can be used in an anatomical description-
"He's a fucking asshole."
24. It can be used to tell time- "It's five
fucking thirty."
25. It can be used in business- "How did I wind
up with this fucking job?"
26. It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH
IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING EADY
LOOSLEY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE
END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS
WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST
OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN
SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE
FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING
FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.
WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY,
FROTHY, WHITE STICKY SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER
SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER
EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING,
IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY YET FORANOTHER BIT OF
ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT
OFTEN MUCH LESS.
WHAT AM I???????
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE
RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........
TOOTHBRUSH.........
what were you thinking?
You PERVERT!
send this message to ten of your most perverted
friends or else...
This is the letter:
You must send this on in 3 hours after reading the
letter to 10 people.
If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good
luck in love. The person that you are
most attracted to will soon return your feelings. If
you do not, bad luck will rear it's ugly head at you.
You MUST send this on or face dreadfully bad luck.
GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subject: WIFE 1.0 Software Alert!!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing
that took up
a lot of space and Valuable resources. No mention of
this was included
with the product information.
In addition Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs
and now launches during system initialization, where it
monitors all
other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys
Night 2.5,
Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to
keep Wife 1.0
in the background while attempting to run my favorite
applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but
the uninstall
doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please Help!!!!!!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
REPLY: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
It is due to
a primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade
from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely
an Utilities and
Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its
creator to run
everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0
and return to
Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause
Girlfriend 7.0
to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the
program files from
the system once installed. You cannot go back to
Girlfriend 7.0 because
Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have
tried to Girlfriend 8.0
or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the
original system.
Look In your Wife 1.0 manual under, "Warnings-
Alimony/Child Support".
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on
improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application Yes
Dear to alleviate
software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0
myself, I also suggest
that you read the entire section regarding,
"General Partnership Faults
(GPF's)". You must assume all responsibility for
any faults and problems
that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also
find that GPF's are
cyclical.
The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE.
Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately
you will have
to Give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will
return to normal
anyway.
Remember the system will run smoothly as long as you
take the blame
for All GPF's.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to be very high
maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as
Clean and Sweep 3.0 ,
Cook-it 1.5 (which replaces Burn-It 1.0) and, Do-Bills
4.2.
You must however be very careful how you use these
programs. Improper
use will cause the system to launch the program
NagYourAss 9.5. Once
this happens the only way to improve the performance
of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1
and Diamonds 5.0
should this happen.
!!!!!WARNING!!!!!
DO NOT under any circumstances, install
Secretary-With-Short-Skirt.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will
cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
The following is an article which accurately descibes
the influence of the
Hellenic language upon all that we say (or do) in this
world of ours.
Please pass it on to others. If you subtract the
Hellenic root words you
have almost nothing except for a few words that do not
make any sense.
THE SIGNIFICANCE AND INFLUENCE OF THE HELLENIC
LANGUAGE
By Dr. John N. Kalaras, Senior Professor@Chicago
MUSIC
The orchestras electrifyed the atmosphere, with
musical organs like the
harp, the lyre, the aulos and hydraulos. The chorus in
the odium
ortheatre synchronized with the organs harmoneously.
Orchistrators
synthesized musical poetry, satyr and comedy, in a
melodic symphony. The
rhythm and harmoneous eurythmy were unparalleled.
Synthesis, synergy and
symphony idealized every orchistrated episode. The
magnetic atmosphere,
the harmonic rhythm and the stereophonic echo
generated magic.
DRAMA - THEATRE
The genesis of classical drama, was not symptomatic. A
euphoria of
charismatic and talented protagonists showed fantastic
scenes of historic
episodes. The prologue, the theme and the epilogue,
comprised the trilogy
of drama while synthesis, analysis and synopsis
characterized the
phraseology of the text. The syntax and phraseology
used by scholars,
academicians and philosophers in their rhetoric, had
many grammatical
idioms and idiosyncrasies. The protagonists,
periodically used
pseudonyms. Anonymity was a syndrome that
characterized the theatrical
atmosphere. The panoramic fantasy, the mystique, the
melody, the
aesthetics, the use of cosmetic epithets, are
characteristics of drama.
Even though the theatres were physically gigantic,
there was no need
for microphones, because the architecture and the
acoustics, would echo
isometrically and crystally-clear. Many
epistimologists of
physics,aerodynamics, acoustics, electronics,
electromagnetics can not
analyze-explain the ideal and isometric acoustics of
Hellenic theatres
even today. There were many categories of drama:
classical drama,
melodrama, satyric, epic, comedy, e.t.c. The syndrome
of xenophobia or
dyslexia was overcome by the pathos of the actors, who
practiced
methodically and emphatically. Acrobatics were also
euphoric. There was a
plethora of anecdotal themes, with which acrobats
would electrify the
ecstatic audience, with scenes from mythical and
historical episodes.
Some theatric episodes were characterized as
scandalous and blasphemous.
Pornography, bigamy, hemophelia, nymphomania,
polyandry, polygamy and
heterosexuality were dramatized in a pedagogical way,
so the mysticism
about them would not cause phobia or anathema or taken
as anomaly, but
through logic, dialogue and analysis, the skepticism
and the pathetic or
cryptic mystery behind them, would be dispelled. It is
historically and
chronologically proven, that theatre emphasized
pedagogy, idealism and
harmony. Paradoxically, it also energized patriotism,
a phenomenon that
symbolized ethicacy, character and charisma.
MEDICINE - PHARMACOLOGY
Asclepius and Hipocrates, the patriarchs of
pharmacology, used botany
as their methodology for therapy. Diagnosis, biopsy,
prognosis and
then therapy, were techniques used with every anomaly
of the soma-body.
Analysis and dialysis of protoplasms, neoplasms,
chromosomes are common
methods. Schizophrenia, melancholy, epilepsy, hysteria,
psycopathy are
psychotic symptoms, analyzed via hypnosis and
metempsychosis. Anemia,
atrophy, stomachic dyspepsy, pachydermy, dermatitis,
laryngitis,
hepatitis, menigitis are somatic anomalies analyzed
biochemically.
Chronic anemia causes leukemia but radiology and
kymotherapy can be the
therapeutic techniques. The stethoscope was used for
asthmatic patheses
of the thorax. Sclerosis, atrophy or dystrophy of the
skeleton is analyzed
by osteology, otitis by otology, leprocy and psoriasis
by dermatology,
astigmatism and myopia by ophtalmology and of course
the epistimology of
genesis would be emphasized through embriology in
gynecology.
Pediatrists, podiatrists, orthopedics, orthodontists,
pathologists,
neurologists are very common titles. Hypnotists use hypnosis
and before a
syringe is used hypodermically, anesthisiologists use
anesthetics. An
overdose of anesthetics could cause amnesia or
paralysis. With neuratic
patheses, electrolysis was used to energize the
neuropathic or atrophic
nerve.
THEOLOGY
Theology analyzed a mosaic of Eclisiastical themes.
The thesis however
that theology takes is very dogmatic. There is a
diametric and astronomic
antithesis between dogmatism and ideology. Dogmatism
has mysticism, is
autarchic, myopic, autocratic, cryptic and even
schismatic, axiomatic and
monolythic. Ideology emphasizes dialogue, energizes a
climate of
logical and microscopic analysis of themes,
philosophizes and produces a
euphoria of ideas and syllogisms. Theology has many
dogmatic mysticisms,
which stigmatized certain chronological periods with
panacea. A paradigm
is the iconolatry which caused pandemonium and schism
among the
Patriarchs, Metropolitans and people. An anarchist or
blasphemous
christian could be stigmatized and anathematized.
Anathema was a
practical technique to exclude someone. When a
patriarchic throne was
orphaned, the Ecumenical Synod would enthrone the new
patriarch.
Paradoxically, the selection method was democratic.
Monotheism and
polytheism is also analyzed by theologists.
Eclisiastical hymns have
poetic rhythm and melody, that is why musical organs
are allowed in
lyturgy. Prophets and Apostoles emphasized ethicacy,
harmony and
euthanasia.
PHYSICS AND CHEMISTRY
Some of the topics emphasized and analyzed in physics
and chemistry were:
thermodynamics, aerodynamics, biophysics, biology,
biochemistry,
metallurgy, magneticism, static electricity etc. Some
of the techniques
used are dialysis, electrolysis, synthesis while some
of the materials
were asbestos, oxygen, metal, magnets. Along with the
chemists,
geologists would analyze the seismogenic, the botanic
and ecological
phenomena.
MATHEMATICS TRIGONOMETRY & GEOMETRY
Mathematic and geometric theorems and axioms, both
practical and
theoretic were analyzed by mathematicians. Alphanumeric
systems with
cryptic ormnemonic coding have been developed.
Geometric schemes like the
prism, the pyramid, the circle, the parallilogram and
other isometric
schemes like the pentagon, hexagon, octagon, are
analyzed periodically.
With diagrams, the periphery, the perimetry, the
diameter and the
dichotomy are studied. Analogous is the study of
astronomy and astrology,
where tools like chronometers and telescopes could
analyze the telemetry
and telekinisis of stars and meteoric phenomena of the
galaxy. This study
generated the telepathy, the telephone, the telegram,
the telegraph, the
telethon e.t.c.
POLITICAL - ECONOMIC - SOCIETAL
Economic systems basically symbolize the philosophy
and the ideology of
their party. In a democratic political system, ideology
and dialogue
characterize the basic methodology and strategy of the
politicians.
However, systems like monarchy, tyrany or oligarchy
are stigmatized
with megaeconomic and social problems. When monarchs
or tyrants were
dethroned, they nostalgically agonized how to bring
anarchy, so that they
may been throned again. Their chronic egomania and
megalomania, their
apathy for philanthropy and their aenigmatic,
problematic and pathetic
logic periodically stigmatized the political arena.
Tyrants symbolize
anarchy, phobia, panic, chronic epidemy and paralysis
of the
socioeconomic system. The agora was the physical
location where
politicians, philosophers and scholars would analyze
the problems
generated by monarchy, tyranny and periodically
aristocracy. The basic
methodology was dialogue, rhetoric or poetry. The
dialogue was
characterized by synthesis, analysis and synopsis, a
systematic
phenomenon in every epistimologist's phraseology. The
rhetoric was
pragmatic, yet charesmatic, characterized by harmony,
magnetic fantasy
and practical talent. Historians and chronographers
have systematically
shown that charesmatic politicians electrified the
odium orthe agora with
their rhetoric, in which they used cosmetic epithets,
eclectic idioms,
metaphors, paradigms and paradoxical phraseological
idiosyncrasies.
Classical poets, satyrs, scholars and philosophers
emphatically
critisized the anemic tyrants for their catastrophic
and scandaleous
egomania. Paradoxically, inspite their idiosyncracies,
some tyrants, like
Periandrosthe Corinthian, were charesmatic,
philanthropic and sympathetic
to the economic problems and social climate. Some of
them, who
strategized their economics ethically and logically,
created economic
euphoria, which allowed architects to build odiums and
theaters to
practice music and drama, gymnasiums and stadiums to
organize
athletisism. Most of them, however, had the syndrome
of apathy,
autocracy, autarchy, empathy, were myopic and
spasmodic egomaniacs, who
antagonized everything that demonstrated an antithesis.
However, the
climax of ideology, dialogue, epistimology,
philosophy, logic and harmony,
are practiced in a democratic system. Here you have
the forum at the
agora, where politics and socioeconomics are analyzed
by politicians,
academicians and scholars. Politicians antagonized the
philosophers
and scholars on ideology and practicality of economic
systems and ideas.
They both, however, emphasized ethicacy, ideology,
logic and harmoneous
political atmosphere. History has no parallel paradigm
of a politician
with character andcharisma, like Pericles the
Athenian, whose scholastic
and stochastic dynamism, rhetoric, fantasy, energy and
ideology
characterized him as the ARCHITECT OF THE ATHENIAN
DEMOCRACY!
These are definitely DIFFERENT!
In
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a
male animal is
punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the
examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased
must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in
(Wonder which head?)
There are men in
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having
sex for the first time...
Reason: under
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job
anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)
In
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare
hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed
in any manner
desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in
tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In
first time this happens, her mother must be in the
room to witness the
act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In
woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had
to pass this
law?)
In
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a
vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are
sold for consumption on
the premises."
Two engineering
students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second
engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second
engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't
have fit."
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers
build targets.
Actual employee appraisals
Have you got a progress review soon? The following are
taken from real employee evaluations
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this man to breed.
4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't be.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only
to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot
puddle.
8. This man has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal standards and the consistently
fails to achieve them.
10. This employee should go far the sooner he starts,
the better.
11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot.
12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't
looking.
14. A room temperature IQ
15. Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic
thingy that holds it together.
16. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus.
17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover
glued on.
18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
19. Bright as
20. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
21. Donated his brain to science before he was quite
finished using it.
22. Fell out of his family tree.
23. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but
the trains isn't coming.
24. This man has two brains: one is lost and the other
is out looking for it.
25. He's so dense that light bends around him.
26. If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
27. Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a
week.
28. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you
would get change back.
29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
ocean.
30. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000
other sperm.
31. One neuron short of a synapse.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he
gargled.
33. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a
baby.
34. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.
The "Salary Theorem" states that
"Engineers can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales
People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation
based on the following postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches
infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
Subject: Albanians !!!!!
DEAR RECEIVER,
You have just received an Albanian virus. Since we are
not so technologically advanced in
Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself
and send this mail to everyone you know.
Thank you very much for helping me.
Ole Hacker
Subject: WIFE 1.0 Software Alert!!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took
up a lot of space and Valuable resources. No mention of this was included with
the product information.
In addition Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all
other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys
Night 2.5, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the
background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0
Please Help!!!!!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
---------------------------
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
It is due to a primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend
7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely an Utilities and Entertainment
program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its
creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return
to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the
program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend
7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried to
Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original
system. Look In your Wife 1.0 manual under, "Warnings- Alimony/Child
Support".
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on
improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes
Dear to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I
also suggest "General Partnership Faults". You must assume all
responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their
cause. You will also find that GPF's are cyclical. The best course of action is
to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will
return to normal anyway.
Remember the system will run smoothly as long as you
take the blame for All GPF's .
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to be very high
maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as
Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook-it 1.5 (which replaces Burn-It 1.0) and Do-Bills 4.2
. You must however be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use
will cause the system to launch the program NagYourAss 9.5 . Once this happens
the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.
!!!!!WARNING!!!!! DO NOT under any circumstances,
install (Secretary-With-Short-Skirt. This application is not supported by Wife
1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
UPGRADE BOYFRIEND5.0 TO HUSBAND1.0 :
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting
modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other
valuable programs, such as Hot-sex 1.0 and Romance 9.9 but installed
undesirable programs such as Football 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no
longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running
Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Desperate Wife.
Dear Desperate Wife,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command:
C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember,
overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or
Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring
Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall
anotherBoyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying
additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0,
Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1
Tech Support
engineers & managers
A group of engineers and a group of manager are taking
the train to reach a conference. Every manager has a ticket, however the whole
group of engineers has only one ticket.
Suddenly one of the engineers shouts: "The
conductor is coming ...." after which the group of engineers run to the
toilet and squeeze into it.
The guard controls the manager, sees that the toilet
is occupied and knocks at the toilet door:
"Ticket please .." One of the engineers
pushes the ticket below the toilet door, the guard checks the ticket, pushes it
back and moves on.
On the way back the manager decide to use the same
trick and buy only one ticket for the whole group. They were really surprised
when they got to know that the group of engineers has no ticket at all.
Again, one of the engineers sees the conductor coming
and shouts: "The guard is coming ...". Immediately the group of
manager rushes to the toilet and squeezes inside, the engineers instead move
slowly to the other toilet and the last engineer of the group knocks at the
toilet door with the business inside: "Ticket please ......
Moral of the story:
Manager use methods of engineers without understanding
them...
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting
married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how
their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard
from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom
blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from
"Extra Long. King Size". She was again
slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both
ways."
A man suspected his wife of having an affair with
another man.
So, he hired the famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee
Yu, to watch and report any sly activities that may be occurring. A few days
Later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, no see.
For those who make extensive use of Word.
Just check out the following (Bill Gates still doesn't
know why it happens!):
Open Word 2000 and type:
”=rand (200,99)”
and then click ENTER
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons"
where
:) means a
smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-(
respectively.
Well, how about some "assicons?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^^o_) a wise ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo..
oo*"
"*o.o*" "*o.
.o"
'o" "o
o o *o
.o o 'o
o o o.
o o o
o \o/ o
o --0-- o
o. /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
'ooo. .oo. ooo
o
""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,oo"o
o.
""""""
oo
"""""
o
'o oo o'
o oo o
'o o o*
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
>
>
You have just been e-mooned! Send this to 5 people within
the next hour and you will be blessed with people
laughing
at your e-mail.
This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it
out,
you won't have bad luck.
(But who wouldn't want to e-Moon a friend?)
Happy e-mooning!!!
Computerized marriage
Husband (Returning late from work ) : Good Evening
Dear, I'm now logged in.
Wife: Have you brought the grocery ?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do
some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or
are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot
like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are a useless nut.
Husband: By Default
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use...Try after some time.
Wife: Who was in the car this morning?
Husband: System is unstable. Press CTRL + ALT +
Wife: Are you going to drink some wine?
Husband: File system is full.
Wife: What is my value in the family ?
Husband: Unknown Virus
Good Morning ladies and gentlemen.
This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to
Punjab Airlines.
We apologize for the 4 days delay in taking off, owing
to bad weather & some overtime I had put in the Bakery.
This is Flight 012 to
And if Luck is in our favour, we may even be landing
on your village.
Punjab Airlines has an excellent record for safety. In
fact our safety standards are so high, that even the terrorists are afraid to
fly with us. It is with pleasure that I announce that starting this year over
50% of our passengers have reached their destination.
For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airlines
staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next of the kin.
Our stewardess Bubbly will be happy to brief you on
our out of court settlement.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger
request we can arrange to turn them off.
To make your free fall to earth pleasant and
memorable, we serve complementary Tea & Biscuits.
For our Religious passengers we are the only airline
who can help you find out if there really is a God!
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie
will not be shown, as we forgot to record it from the television.
But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next
to the Air India Aircraft, so the movie will be visible from the right side of
the window.
There is no smoking in this airplane. Any smoke that
you see in this cabin is the early warning system, on the engines telling us to
slow down!
Life jackets are positioned under the seats & free
bathing costumes are available to aunties & swimming shorts to the uncles,
for emergency jumps.
In order to catch important land marks, we try to fly
as close as possible for the best view. If how ever you would like to have a
closer look, do let us know. Our enthusiastic copilots sometimes flies right
through the land mark.
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright
position for take off & fasten your seatbelts. For those of you who cannot
find a seat belt fasten your own belt to the arm of your chair.
And for those of you who cannot find a seat, do not
hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase.
Sorry!! But I won't be flying with you today because I
have to attend my nephew's wedding.
But please make yourself at home & help yourself
to the cockpit.
Thank you for choosing Punjab Airlines.
Have a pleasant journey.
" BALLE BALLE ".
Software development
What they say = What they mean!
New = Different colors from previous version!
All New = Not compatible with previous version!
Exclusive = Nobody else has documentation!
Unmatched = Almost as good as the competition!
Design Simplicity = The company wouldn't give us any
money!
Fool-proof Operation = All parameters are hard-coded!
Advanced Design = Nobody really understands it!
Here At Last = Didn't get it done on time!
Field Tested = We don't have any simulators!
Years of Development = Finally got one to work!
Unprecedented Performance = Nothing ever ran this slow
before!
Revolutionary = Disk drives go 'round and 'round!
Futuristic = Only runs on a next generation supercomputer!
No Maintenance = Impossible to fix!
Performance Proven = Worked through Beta test!
Meets Tough Quality Standards = It compiles without
errors!
Satisfaction Guaranteed = We'll send you another pack
if it fails!
Stock Item = We shipped it before and can do it again!
A plane is on its way to
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells
the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class
that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back
to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she
will have to leave and return to her Economy seat. The blonde then replies, "I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and
without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make
her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class wasn't going to
Culture
TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not
for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still
drink their beer.
3.a. You can legally kill yourself
3.b. You can legally be killed
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody
hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else
thinks
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by
saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save
your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war
is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them
intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will
do it in your country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it
beer.
4. You are either
4.a. Like the Dutch, just less efficient
4.b. Like the French, just less romantic
4.c. Like the Germans
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The
best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the
Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a
decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody
cares
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or
sex-offenders.
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the
first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's
legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You are the the ones that Created almost everything
first but everyone else makes them better and famous.Film, Planes, Jeans,
Cavalry, Internet, etc etc...
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other
people's countries.
7. The only Latin coutnry that doesn't have any sexy
dance moves or famous stars for tha matter.Celine Dion and Laura Fabian are
Canadian,nice try they speak french but ar not.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous
street humiliating your sense of national pride not once but twice in less than
50 years.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in
the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're
not. Because if you were why did Jackie Onassis who is French marry John F.
Kennedy who is from the
TOP 10 REASONS
FOR BEING AMERICAN
1. You can have a woman president without electing
her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to
do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever
made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met
"buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth
with a condom on.
TOP TEN REASONS
FOR BEING NORWEGIAN
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the
Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year
and get 24-hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians
in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing
- it's fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with
stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.
TOP 10 REASONS
FOR BEING LEBANESE
1. The only Arab country that has a majority that is
Christian and not Muslim.
2. The only Arab country to succesfully invade Isreal
and sign a peace deal.
3. The only people that actually think that speaking
french is actually a way of making you seem more upper class.
4. The only Arab country that you won't find a single
wild Camel.
5. The only Arab country that doesn't have a desert or
oil. Just have the smallest Arab country with the nost rivers.
6. Your cedars are blessed by Jesus.
7. You are the last remains of the Phonecians.
8. You would rather have a 20 year civil war than
admit that are an Arab.
9. Your capital
10 And yes you can swim in the Mediteranian and in 20
minutes be skiing or snowboarding in the waist deep snow in the middle of
Summer.
TOP 10 REASONS
FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of
cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major
sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still
a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes,
Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by
Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's
the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in
stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9.
10. Supported
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Ok, give them a second chance...wait we did...fine a
third chance
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would
bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign
language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not
forbidden by law (yet).
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
1. Chicken
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiasa
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when
talking.
Top 10 REASONS FOR BEING MEXICAN
1. You are part of NAFTA
2. Your idea of Social Justice is sending your poor to
the
3. You have cities like
4. Tequila!
5. You give anything worth value to foreigners like
6. You can act snobby and believe people outside of
7. Just like the Australians you treat the people that
have lived on your land for over 40,000 years like they are foreigners and let
them life in poverty and think nobody will notice.
8. Own the cradle of 2 great civilizations the Aztecs
and the Mayans.
9. You have people are famous with characters like
Speedy Gonzalez and Cheech and Chong.
10. You wished you had a leader other than the PRI and
who's name might be EVITA Peron.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down
someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in
second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have
sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub
at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. You can claim that
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh
water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and
his/her popularity ratings soar.
7. Your national Capital region of the city of
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover
your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. OK FINE WE WILL GIVE THIS TO THEM AGAIN JUST
BECAUSE EVERY OTHER CULTURE OTHER THAN CANADIANS AND AMERICANS LOVED THIS SOO
MUCH
Only country to successfully invade the
ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
1. Know your great grand dad was a murdering bar
steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your
country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals and known
masoganists. ODD
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold
lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
1. You get to shout about your culture although the
only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police are even more corrupt than the criminals
they are supposed to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it
between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around
wretching their stomach tents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear
and not get put in a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument
when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8.You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and
still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9. Only people that are proud that they like to take
it and give it up the ass.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.
A man was wandering in the woods pondering all the
questions of life, the universe and his personal problems. He couldn't find any
answers so he sought help from God.
"God? God? Are you there God?!", he shouted.
God responded, "What is it, my son?"
"I have a few questions … mind if I ask?"
"Go right ahead, my son … anything."
"God, what is a million years to you?"
"My son, a million years to me is only a
second."
"Hmmm...", he thought. "God, what is a
million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is only worth
a penny."
The man lifted his eyebrows and proceeded to ask a
final question, "God, can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure … in a
second."
You know you're too serious about computers if …
... you did an
error-free installation of Windows '2000
... your modem
starts smoking
... you log-off
your system only because it's time to go to work
... you call in
sick because you found a great new internet site
... you can
type your 10 favourite internet sites by heart
... you can
locate a particular home page without using a search engine
... you can
write your own html page
... you put
your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes
... you check
your e-mail on the way back to bed from the bathroom at
... you have
your e-mail address printed on your stationary
... you insist
on seeing the movie "The Net" for the 63rd time
... you
maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses
... you use
more than 20 passwords
... you set up
your own Web page
... you set up
a Web page for each of your kids and your pets
... you ask
someone for their e-mail address instead of their phone number
... you find it
easier to dial-up the National Weather Service than look out the window
... you start
using phrases like "hungry.must-eat.food.now@home
... you order
most of what you buy... online
... your
fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours
... you find
yourself engaged to someone you've never met except through e-mail
... you log-off
from your newsgroup and your log reads: "online time: 56 hours 24
minutes"
... you look
for file/save command when someone tells you to remember something
... No one can
reach you by phone since your computer is always online
THE MEANING BEHIND THE JARGON
What the engineer says: What he really means!
A number of different approaches are being tried: We
are still pissing in the wind.
Extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach
to the problem: We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
Close project coordination: We know who to blame.
Major technological breakthrough: It works OK, but
looks very hi-tech.
Customer satisfaction is delivered assured: We are so
far behind schedule, the customer is happy to get it delivered.
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive: The
darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
Test results were extremely gratifying: We are so
surprised that the stupid thing works.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned: The only
person who understood the thing quit.
It's in the process: It is so wrapped up in red tape
that the situation is about hopeless.
We will look into it: Forget it! We have enough
problems for now.
Please note and initial: Let's spread the
responsibility for the screw up.
Give us the benefit of your thinking: We'll listen to
what you have to say as long as we don't have to change what we've already
done.
Give us your interpretation: I can't wait to hear this
bull!
See me/let's discuss: Come into my office, I'm lonely.
All new: Parts not interchangeable with the previous
design.
Rugged: Too damn heavy to lift!
Lightweight: Lighter than RUGGED.
Years of development: One finally worked.
Energy saving: Achieved when the power switch is off.
Low maintenance: Impossible to fix if broken.
The Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St.
Peter checks his dossier and says, "Aha, you're an engineer ... you've
come to the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and
is let in. Pretty soon, he becomes
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush
toilets and escalators and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says
with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replies,
"Hey, things are going great. We've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake ... he should never have been
sent down there. Send him back." Satan says, "No way. I like having
an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him
back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
"Yeah, right ... and just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
An architect, an artist and an engineer were
discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The
architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for
an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I
like both. If you have a wife and a mistress, they'll each assume you are
spending time with the other woman and you can go to the plant and get some
work done."
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find
their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while,
the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is
blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I`m a 6`
tall,200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
What`s more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she`s a weight lifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde, and she`s a pro wrestler. Think about it
seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke ?"
The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not
if I`m gonna have to explain it five times."
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of
nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the
Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together having
loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when
they alternate with
the German woman.
The two English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English
woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean
and one look at the
Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of
suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her
own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do,
about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how
her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her
relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low
and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed
The two Australian men beat each other senseless
fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men,
after calling them both "bloody wankers."
Both
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and
South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut
whiskey, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.
Despite rumors,
However, some events have been changed.
1. cigarette chain smoking marathon
2. gathering olives from trees
3. long distance spitting
4. nastiest armpit smell
5. thickest moustache, females are welcome to compete
too
6 goat herders relay
7. tavli
8. comboloi (worry beads) toss
9. longest duration wearing the same piece of
clothing.
10. papaki race to the beach
11 the evil eye stare down competition
Economics:
Feudalism
You have two
cows.
Your lord takes
some of the milk.
Fascism
You have two
cows.
The government
takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism
You have two cows.
Your neighbors
help take care of them and you all share the milk.
Applied Communism
You have two
cows.
You must take
care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Totalitarianism
You have two
cows.
The government
takes them both and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Pure Democracy
You have two
cows.
You and your
neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy
You have two
cows.
Your neighbors
pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Mexican Democracy
You have two
cows.
The government
takes both and drafts you into the army.
European Democracy
You have two
cows.
The EU
commission decides which regulations for feeding and milking apply. If there
aren't any, they invent some. They pay you not to milk the cows. They take both
cows, shoot one, milk the other and pour the milk down the drain. They then
require you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
American Democracy
The government
promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it.
After the
election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press
dubs the affair "cowgate," but supports the president. The cows sue
you for breach of contract. Your legal bills exceed your annual income. You
settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.
Capitalism
You have two
cows.
You sell one
and buy a bull.
Your herd
multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them
and retire on the income.
Enron Venture Capitalism
You have two
cows.
You sell three
of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated
general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five
cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Answering some recent articles about Greeks involved
in terrorist acts and perhaps on those plane crashes some months ago, the Greek
Ministry of Foreign affairs issued a statement proving those allegations
completely wrong:
12 REASONS WHY THE TERRORISTS WEREN'T GREEK
1. 6:45 am is too early for most Greeks to get up.
2. Greeks are always late, they would've missed all 4
flights.
3. Hot girls on the planes would have distracted them.
4. Greeks only use heir cellular phones to make missed
calls and not to communicate with each other.
5. Free alcohol on the plane, get it?
6. The suspected car found outside of
7. They wouldn't have a meeting in
8. Talking behind each other's back would start a big
fight on the plane.
9. 18 Greeks can't even organize a simple lunch
together! You think they can organize such an attack?
10. They would've been too busy fixing their hair.
11. Frappe isn't served on commercial airlines even
Olympic.
12. Their mothers wouldn't have let them.
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to
the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came
out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT
MAIL."
At
As the clock ticks over from
The last occasion that time read in such a symmetrical
pattern was long before the days of the digital watch and the 24-hour clock –
at
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
quickly discovered the ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat
the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen
that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface
including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C...
The Russians used a pencil.
While visiting
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says
that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows
if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions,"
says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime
Minister. Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your
father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is
it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank
you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did
you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be
using that!"
Upon returning to
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is
it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and
get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a
meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question
for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in
desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his
problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has
a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course,
you idiot."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House
and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin
Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony
Blair."
50 Things you don't say while having sex:
01. Is it in
yet?
02. Is that it?
03. You have to
be kidding me
04. (phone
rings) Hi? Oh, nothing special. You?
05. Am I
supposed to pay you for this?
06. Should I
call you tomorrow?
07. Oh mama,
mama!!!
08. Oh daddy,
daddy!!!
09. You look
better in the dark.
10. Oh, this is
much better than with my last boy/girlfriend.
11. I thought
it was supposed to go into the other hole
12. Don't tell
my husband/wife
13. You have
the bra as my mom (particularly bad if the girl says this ;)
14. This sucks
15. Could you
hurry up a bit? I have to go to a meeting
16. I hope
you're not expecting a raise
17. I think
this could make you get the job
18. Damn, is
that all you know ?!
19. Did I
mention I have herpes?
20. We have to
get married now
21. Hurry up,
the game is on in a few!
22. I'm hungry
23. I'm thirsty
24. zzzzzzzzzz
25. Are you
trying to be funny?
26. Can you
drop me off when you're done?
27. Are those
real?
28. Before I
forget, I'm breaking up with you
29. What is
that smell? Is that you?
30. You've
never done this before?
31. WOW! I've
never boobs like that! (and then start grabbing them)
32. Do you know
what certain female spiders do after mating?
33. You sure
look like your sister
34. Your mom's
pretty nice
35. What did
you say your name was?
36. Do I really
still have to be here in the morning?
37. Again? I
had trouble staying awake the first time!
38. Owwww, and
you had just started
39. You're
almost as good as a 9-year-old -- and I can know!
40. Don't touch
that!
41. You wanna
order a pizza?
42. I think my
dad is eavesdropping
43. Smile,
you're on Candid Camera!
44. Is there
anything nice on TV?
45. Get your
hand away from there!
46. I think the
condom tore 10 mins ago
47. I knew you
had a stuffed bra!
48. "Cover
me guys, I'm going in!"
49.
TIMBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!
50. The ceiling
needs some white paint ;-)
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately
computed from available data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover,
the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun
shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from
the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times
seven (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all.
The light we receive from the Moon is
"Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
A very handsome Greek man, relaxing at his favourite
cafe in Krateron (a small Greek village in northern
After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him
to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with a smile, "So... you
finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied
"No."
Pleasantly surprised, the handsome Greek man reached
for her and had his way with her again. This time she's wild, thrashing about
on the bed and climaxing with screams of passion.
Again, the handsome Greek man smiles, and asks,
"You finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile,
cuddles closer to him, and says "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast
him, the young man reaches for his date. It takes all of his strength and he
barely manages to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking,
clawing and ripping bed sheets. It's dawn by then, and, entirely spent, the
exhausted handsome Greek man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn
his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You
finish!?"
"No!" she shouts back. "Swedish!"
If an insect falls in a cup of coffee:
The Englishman:
Throws the cup away and walks out of the cafe
The American:
Asks the waiter for another cup of coffee.
The Mexican:
Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee
The Chinese:
Eats the insect and throws the coffee away
The Besieged Palestinian:
Drinks the coffee and eats the insect
The Israeli:
* Sells the coffee to the Americans and the insect to
the Chinese.
* Screams that his security is in peril.
* Accuses the Palestinians of throwing the insect in
his coffee.
* Alleges that Hizbullah, the Syrians and the Iranians
advocate attacks with weapons of mass insects.
* Relates this vicious attack to Palestinian
Terrorism; attacks on Human Rights, Anti-Semitism, the Holocaust, the Diaspora,
the Exodus and Discrimination on Noah's
* Asks Arafat to immediately stop insects from flying
in the air or landing in coffee cups.
* Re-occupies the
* Imposes on the Americans more military aid.
* Demands a 100-year, billion-dollar, loan from
* Claims life-time free coffee from the cafe as
compensation.
They've got the best lawyers!
Here are some totally useless facts for your enjoyment
(excellent for playing "Stump the Friend.or Wife.or Boss or…"). You
just CAN'T make this stuff up!!!
-Courtesy of our good friends, drummer Billy Ward and
Neal Faison of TASCAM-
"I don't know anything about music. In my line,
you don't have to."- Elvis Presley (1935-1977)
-The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime
time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-Coca-Cola was originally green.
-Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the
US Treasury.
-It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not
downstairs.
-Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle;
3) Golden Retriever. Dumbest: Afghan hound.
-The Hawaiian alphabet has only 12 letters.
-Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear
better.
-Amount that American Airlines saved in 1987 by
eliminating one olive from each salad served First-Class: $40,000.
-City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita:
-State with the highest percentage of people who walk
to work:
-Percentage of
-Percentage of
-Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
-Average number of days a West German goes without
washing his underwear: 7
-Percentage of American men who say they would marry
the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
-Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the
same man: 50%
-Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of
eleven: $6,400
-Average number of people airborne over the
-Percentage of Americans who have visited
Disneyland/Disney World:70%
-Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
-Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for
"Profiles in Courage"
-Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their
hair.
-The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived
in
-The youngest pope was 11 years old.
-
-First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
-A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
-In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1
to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not
re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2
and up, but no channel 1.
-The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments
-The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".
-Hang On Snoopy is the official rock song of
-Did you know that there are coffee-flavored PEZ?
-The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from
the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
-The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the
"American Pie." (Thus the name of theDon
-When possums are playing 'possum, they are not
"playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
-The Main Library at
-Each
king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades
-King David, Clubs -Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds
-Julius Caesar.
-If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has
both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one
front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle;
if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
-Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their
unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the
expression "to get fired."
-Only two people signed the Declaration of
Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest
signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
-"I am." is the shortest complete sentence
in the English language. (???)
-The term "the whole 9 yards" came from
W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the
ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before
being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target,
it got "the whole 9 yards."
-Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine
that maks them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
-The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from
an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything
wider than your
thumb.
-An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
-The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen
seconds.
-The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one
mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as
airstrips in
times of war or other emergencies.
-In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman
somewhere.
-The name
Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General
Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
-The Pentagon, in
-The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six
inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
-The highest point in
-Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected
intravenously.
-If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins
without being able to make change for a dollar.
-No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed
stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
-The first toilet ever seen on television was on
"Leave It To Beaver".
-The only two days of the year in which there are no
professional sports events (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the
day after the Major League All-Star Game.
-Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or
older.
-The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter
Pan."
-How about this.... The nursery rhyme Ring Around the
Rosey is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get
red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey..."), these sores would
smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere
(inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores ("...a
pocket full of poseys..."), People who died from the plague would be
burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("...ashes,
ashes, we all fall down!")
-The longest one-syllable word in the English language
is "screeched."
-"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends
in the letters "mt".
-Almonds
are members of the peach family.
-Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
-The word "set" has more definitions than
any other word in the English language.
-"Underground" is the only word in the
English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."
-
-Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
-Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was
eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
-Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
-The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two
lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
-Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device
depicted in the book 'The Naked Lunch.'
-The
Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who fathered
over 160 children.
-There is a seven letter word in the English language
that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters,
"therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
-Duelling is legal in
-John Larroquette of "Night Court" and
"The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre."
-A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.(wonder
how they figured this out?)
-It's
impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
-Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them;
a fully-ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
-"Stewardesses" is the longest word that can
be typed with only the left hand.
-To "testify" was based on men in the Roman
court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
-The combination "ough" can be pronounced in
nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A
rough-coated, dough- faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of
-Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in
the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
-There are only four words in the English language
which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and
hazardous.
-Emu's and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on
the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
-The first episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi"
was the highest rated American program in the history of Korean television.
"Chachi" is Korean for "penis."
-Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
-Pearls melt in vinegar
-The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: MARLBORO,
COCA-COLA, BUDWEISER, in that order.
-Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment
in the palms of their hands.
-Thirty-Five percent of the people who use personal
ads for dating are already married.
-111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
-The mask used by Michael Myers in the original
"Halloween" movie was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
-Snails
can sleep for 3 years without eating.
-The
fingerprints of Koala Bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of
humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
-Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a
"Friday the 13th."
-James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery
Scott (Scotty) on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger on his right
hand (he
lost it on D-Day).
-A sick pig rarely curls its tail.
-A woodpeckers tongue is long enough to wrap it around
his head 2 times.
-Ants prefer not to walk through baby powder.
-Snakes can't blink.
-A rat can tread water for 3 days.
-A snail takes 33 hours to crawl 1 mile.
-The bigger the navel, the sweeter the orange.
-The dot over the lower case "i" is called a
Tittle.
-In an average lifetime the human heart circulates 55
million gallons of blood.
-It is illegal in the state of
-If a frog's mouth is held open too long the frog will
suffocate.
-
-Peanuts are used in the manufacture of dynamite.
-In an average lifetime the average American receives
31 prank phone calls (hopefully not per day!).
-Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
-At the first Thanksgiving dinner Lobster was one of
the main entrees.
-No word in the English Language rhymes with month.
-A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
-The ashes of an average cremated person weighs 9 lbs.
-Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their
necks.
-Oak trees do not have acorns until they are 50 years
or older.
-All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5.00 bill.
-Shirley Temple always had 56 curls in her hair.
-Corduroy comes from the French, meaning cloth of the
king.
-The dial tone of a normal phone is in the key of F.
-Easter
Sunday is always the first Sunday after the first full moon after March 21.
(the first day of Spring)
-An office chair with wheels travels 8 miles a year.
-Howdy Doody has exactly 48 freckles on his face.
-Bubble Gum contains rubber. (Not so sure about this
one!)
-33 million Hershey Kisses are made each day.
-Every
time you sneeze some of your brain cells die. (Guess some of us are in sad
shape!)
-An animal epidemic is called a epizootic. (True! This
was so silly I went and looked it up!)
-If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat it measures
87 feet long.
-Camel's milk does not curdle. (Who wants to drink it
anyhow?)
-A cat has 4 rows of whiskers.
-In Disney's Fantasia, the Sorcerer name is Yensid
which is Disney backwards.
-
-The space between the 2 front teeth is called a
diastima.
-Alexander the Great was an epileptic.
-A group of owls is called a parliament.
-The geographical center of
-Dirty Harry's badge number is 2211.
-The ball on top of a flagpole is called the truck.
-Giraffes
have no vocal chords.
-The dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
-Mister Rogers is an ordained minister.
-Professional ballerinas use about 12 pair of toe
shoes per week.
-Race car is a palindrome.
-The two lines that connect your top lip to the bottom
of your nose are known as philtrums.
-Ralph Kramden made $62.00 a week.
-Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to
carrots.
-The characters Bert and Ernie on
-The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified
kosher.
-In
-The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
-Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of
cotton.
-Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of
a calorie.
-All dogs, no matter what size, scratch at the same
speed.
-The term "Checkmate" comes from the Arabic
meaning "the king is dead".
-The word TIP is an acronym for "To Insure
Promptness".
-There are no turkeys in
-There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
-A
giraffe's tongue is blue.
-The average person blinks 313 million times in a
lifetime.
-Robert E. Lee wore size 4 1/2 shoe.
-If a spider dismantles his web a bad storm is near.
-"Tug of War" was an Olympic event between
1900 and 1920.
-Tony the Tiger will turn 46 in 2001.
-The
right lung takes in more air than the left.
-There is no rice in rice paper.
-More than 25% of the worlds forests are in
-Nearly all Sumo wrestlers have flat feet and big
butts.
-Buzz Aldrin was the first man to pee in his pants on
the moon.
-An eagles nest can weigh as much as two tons.
-Conception occurs more often in December than any
other month.
-"60 Minutes," is the only CBS TV show with
no theme song.
-Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their
birthplace.
-The most popular boat name requested is Obsession.
-If you were to spell out numbers, you would have to
go to One-thousand until you would find the letter "A".
-Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers,
and laser printers were all all invented by women.
-The only
food that doesn't spoil is honey.
-There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any
other day of the year.
-40% of all people at a party snoop in your medicine
cabinet.
-In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making
the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep
tight".
-It was the accepted practice in
-In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.
So in old
-Many years ago in
-In
-Did you
know......... It is impossible to lick your elbow?
-Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick
their elbow!
-A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
-A
shrimp's heart is in their head.
-People
say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart
stops for a millisecond.
-Between
1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for
the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
-On average, a human being will have sex more than
3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
-Rats and horses can't vomit.
-The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick"
is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
-If you
sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.
-If you
try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck
and die.
-Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats
could have over a million descendants.
-Wearing
headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700
times.
-If the
-The
cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
-Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal
ads for dating are already married.
-Most lipstick contains fish scales.
-Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
-Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is
different.
Hey, ya just CAN'T make this stuff up!!!
This page (http://www.dbmproaudio.com/facts.html) was
last obnoxiously updated on
A few years back, a survey was conducted by the U.N.
worldwide. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your most honest opinion
about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a HUGE failure:
In
In
In
In the
In
In
And in the
Subject: math and romance
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married
men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a
man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped
after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A Good Lesson
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had
some items in front of him.
When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks right to the top,
rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was
full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles
and poured them in to the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of
course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The students laughed. He
asked his students again if the jar was full? They agreed that yes, it was. The
professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course,
the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you
to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things – your
family, your partner, your health, your children - anything that is so
important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The
pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The
pebbles represent things like your job, your house, your car. The sand is
everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand or the pebbles into the
jar first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you
spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will
never have room for the things that are truly most important. Pay attention to
the things that are critical in your life. Play with your children. Take your
partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house,
give a dinner party and fix the disposal. " Take care of the rocks first -
the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just pebbles
and sand.
Hope you like it.
Statistical Findings:
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of
their first date
20% of the men had sex in a nontraditional place
36% of the women favro nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual
relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the
office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of
having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have
sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever
come of it!
Santa Claus: An Engineering Analysis
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are
300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of
these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer
which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children in the world (persons
under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total -leaving 378
million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes
there is at least one good child per house.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with,
thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,
Santa has 1/1000 th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree,
eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million
stops are evenly distributed around the earth which, of course, we know to be
false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now
talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not
counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus
feeding, etc.
That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles
per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the
fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, move at a poky 27.4
miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, at tops 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting
element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized lego set ( 2
pounds ), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is
invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no
more than 300 pounds. Even granting the 'flying reindeer' can pull TEN TIMES
that normal amount, we cannot the job with eight, or even nine, We need 214,200
reindeer. This increased the payload- not even counting the weight of the
sleigh to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison - this is four times the weight of
the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second
creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same
fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will
absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second. Each. In short, they will
burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them,
and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team
will be vaporized with 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be
subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound
Santa ( which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh
by a 4,315,015 pound force.
Top 23 Engineers' Terminologies
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH
APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to
get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is
about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it
doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING
Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken.
21. IT IS TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE
I don't feel like doing it.
22. IT DEPENDS...
Abandon all hope of a useful answer.
23. THE DATA BITS ARE FLEXED THROUGH A COLLECTIMIZER
WHICH STRIPS THE FLOW-GATE ARRAYS INTO VIRTUAL MESSAGE ELEMENTS
I don't know.
Austin
Powers chat-up lines
1. I wish
you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. (Lick
finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
3. Nice
legs... What time do they open?
4. Do you
work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've
got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I
buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may
not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a
bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen
one?
9. I'm
fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna
play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I'd
really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
12. You
might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch
away.
13. You
must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
14. I'd
walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even further for that thing
you do with your tongue.
15. If it's
true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
16. (Look
down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.
17. You
know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18. You,
Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
19. Those
clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
20. My name
is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
21. Do you
believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
22. Hi, the
voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
23. I know
milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
24. Do you
sleep on your stomach? Can I?
25. Do you
wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?
Federal
Aviation Agency
Dear Sirs:
I have the
solution for preventing hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline
industry back on its feet.
Since men
of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should require
all female flight attendants to perform their job naked.
Muslims
would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of
course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of
seeing a naked woman.
We would
have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.
Now why
didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill
Clinton
A married
couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mile per hour (mph), the Husband
behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks over at him and says, "Honey, I
know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The husband
says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
She then
says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been
having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you
are."
Again the
husband stays quiet but speeds up as his anger increases.
"I
want the house," she insists, pressing her luck.
Again the
husband speeds up, to eighty mph.
She says,
"I want the car, too," but he just drives faster and faster.
By now he's
up to ninety mph.
"All
right," she says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit
cards, too."
The husband
slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.
This makes
her a bit nervous, so she says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The husband
says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh,
really," she says, "so what have you got?"
Right
before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the husband smiles and says,
"The
airbag."
Start with
a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and
place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and
start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all
of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an
attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold
water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put
away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new
one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his
surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt
and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be
assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it
with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!
Likewise,
replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, and then the
fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most
of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to
climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest
monkey.
After
replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever
been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the
stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the
way it's always been done around here.
And that my
dear friends, is how company policy begins!
Secrets to
a happy marriage
1. It is
important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is
important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is
important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is
important that these three women never meet.
These are
from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said
in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking
place.
Q: Are you
sexually active?
A: No, I
just lie there.
Q: What is
your date of birth?
A: July
fifteenth.
Q: What
year?
A: Every
year.
Q: What gear
were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci
sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in
what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I
forget.
Q: You
forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old
is your son, the one living with you?
A:
Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long
has he lived with you?
A:
Forty-five years.
Q: What was
the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why
did that upset you?
A: My name
is Susan.
Q: Do you
know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both
do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes,
voodoo.
Q: Now doctor,
isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?
Q: The
youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you
present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the
date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what
were you doing at that time?
Q: She had
three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many
were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were
there any girls?
Q: How was
your first marriage terminated?
A: By
death.
Q: And by
whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you
describe the individual?
A: He was
about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this
a male, or a female?
Q: Doctor,
how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my
autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your
responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you
recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The
autopsy started around
Q: And Mr.
Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he
was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor,
before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you
check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you
check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then
it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can
you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because
his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But
could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it
is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Corporate
lesson 1
A man is
getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the
doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing overwhich one should go and
answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800dollars to
drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman
drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few
seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her
good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When
she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was
that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great,"
the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes
me?"
Moral of
the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in
time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Corporate
lesson 2
A priest
was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered
her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an
accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father,remember psalm
129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself
to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest
apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On
his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up
psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."
MORAL OF
THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great
opportunity!
Corporate
Lesson 3
A sales
rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they
find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I
want to be in the
Poof! He's
gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager
says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of
story: always let your boss have the first say.
A man
suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the
famous Chinese
detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities
while he
was gone. A few days later, he received this report:
MOST
HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE
HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO
HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE
LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE
GO IN HOTEL.
I CLIMB
TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS
SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP
SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY
WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH
ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE
WARNING
THIS ONE IS DANGEROUS
If you
receive an e-mail entitled "Bad times", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not
open it.
Apparently
this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive,
but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It
demagnetises the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your PIN
number, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to
call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT
WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your
beer.
FOR GOD'S
SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will
leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It
will replace your shampoo with hair remover and your hair remover with Regaine.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only
fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all
your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings
which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the
"Badtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hairdryer plugged in dangerously close
to a full bathtub. It will refill your skimmed milk with Milk of Magnesia!
*******
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you
don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your
right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks
that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send to
everyone...
In case you
are a blonde, this is a joke.
Lost
Chapter in Genesis
Adam was
hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him,
"What's wrong with you?"
Adam said
he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said
that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said,
"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for
you.
She will
always agree with every decision you
make.
She will
bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will
not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had
a disagreement.
She will
never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you
need it."
Adam asked
God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God
replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam
asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is
history....
YOU KNOW
YOU'RE GREEK WHEN:
1. You make
frappe before leaving home, when getting to the office, after lunch, when
having guests, before the guests leave, after the guests leave and before going
to bed.
2. When
shops have a sale they call your mom.
3. You
still have clothes that you used to wear when you were five stored in
suitcases.
4. You call
an older person you've never met before "Thio" (Uncle:father's side)
or "Thia" (Uncle: Mother's side) .
5. You hide
everything from your parents, but they still think they know everything about
you, and make you believe that they actually do.
6. You
learn how to beg the personnel at the airport to allow the excess baggage
you've got as soon as your father stops doing that for you.
7. When you
arrive home you find 20 people waiting for you at the airport.
8. Every
summer you must go to your village.
9. Every
time you go to your village, you meet relatives you never knew they existed,
and they look nothing like your family.
10. You
look for universities as far away from home as possible, or as close to home as
possible.
11. You
always curse at Greeks and then when you travel to
12. When
you come back from college you still have to live with your parents, and fight
over curfew all over again, as if you never left them before.
13. Your
relatives alone could populate a small city.
14.
Everyone is a family friend.
15. You
fight over who pays the dinner bill.
16. You
teach Europeans/Americans swear words in your language.
17. When
you go on a date you start thinking of places that you never thought of before
to avoid family or family friends.
18. You end
up in a lousy place and still bump into the relative with the biggest mouth.
19. You
think you are liberated when you can't even smoke in public.
20. If you
are 25 and not married yet, your parents make you feel that you are getting too
old.
21. Getting
married becomes the only way you could escape your parents.
22. You
tell your friends how to rebel against their parents when you can't stay out
past
23. You
always say "Open the light" instead of "Turn on the light".
24. You ask
your dad a simple question and he tells you a story of how he had to walk miles
just to get to school with no shoes.
25. Your
parents were ranked the first in school. (...or so they claim)
The New
Bride
A young
Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to
please her husband and never upset him.
So the
first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed
after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, and
accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked
up and said: "Aww! So sorry...excuse please, front hole so happy back hole
laugh out loud!
We always
hear "The Rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from
the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered
"1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to
work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it
up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find
the perfect present yet again!
1.
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday =
sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't
cut your hair. EVER! Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One
of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut
their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping
is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying
is blackmail.
1. Ask for
what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong
hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't
remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us
frequently beforehand.
1. Most
guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at
choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and
No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to
us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy
is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A
headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check
your own oil! Please.
1. Anything
we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments
become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you
won't dress like the
1. If you
think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If
something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you
sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can
either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you
already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever
possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The
relationship is never going to be like it was the first four months we were
going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men
see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. A peach, for example, is
a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it
itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are
not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not
proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we
ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you
ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to
hear.
1. When we
have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't
ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics
as who's better Biggie or Tupac, those new 22in' car rims, or basketball.
1. You have
enough clothes.
1. You have
too many shoes.
1. It is
neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't
matter which quiz.
1. I am in
shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank
you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but
did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
WHY WE LOVE
CHILDREN
A little
boy was doing his math homework.
He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus
six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother
heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little
boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And
this is how your teacher taught you to do it?", the mother asked.
"Yes,"
he answered.
Infuriated,
the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son
in math?"
The teacher
replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother
asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch
is four?"
After the
teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What
I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
One day a
teacher read the story Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the
story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and
so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the
sky is falling!"
The teacher
paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?"
One little
girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking
chicken!'"
The teacher
was unable to teach for the next 10 Minutes
A
kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked
him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead."
She was informed.
"How
do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because
I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You
did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You
know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
A small boy
is sent to bed by his father.
Five
minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm
thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No.
You had your chance. Lights out."
Five
minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm
THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told
you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five
minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When
you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
An
exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked
him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy
thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in an out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in
or stay out!'"
One summer
evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I
can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long
silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The
big sissy."
It was that
time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the
children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a
particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and
said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little
girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone:
"Yes,
and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
When I was
six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room
when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, Mommy, you are
getting fat!"
I replied,
"Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy"
"I
know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
Top Ten
WORST things to say to a police officer:
1) I can't
reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2) Sorry,
Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3) Aren't
you the guy from the Village People?
4) Hey, you
must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5) I
thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police
officer.
6) I was
going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7) Bad cop!
No donut!
8) You're
not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9) Gee,
that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10) Didn't
I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?
A guy
sitting at an airport bar in
He thought
to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But
which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to
pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to
fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately
thought to himself, "Ooh shit, she doesn't work for Delta".
A moment
later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,
"Something special in the air?" Once again she gave him the same
confused look.
He mentally
kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he
tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your friendly
skies?"
This time
the woman turned on him. "What the f**k do you want?" she snapped.
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair and said...
"Ahhh,
Olympic
Dear
Employees,
It has been brought to management's attention
that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language
during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to
complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type
of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realise the critical
importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating
with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING"
new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information
can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more
sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect
me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be
implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me
sooner?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the
issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the
moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you
boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more
training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck
you're doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Johnny asks
grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"
Grandpa
says: "Yes, but only oral."
Johnny
asks: "What is oral?"
Grandpa says:
"I say 'fuck you', she says 'fuck you too!'"
Just
imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many
The DJs
play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called
"Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously
involved
with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then
asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person
is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly,
they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made
the City of
DJ:
"Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant:
(laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ:
"Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to
Contestant:
"Brian."
DJ:
"Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian:
"Yes."
DJ:
"Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian:
(laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ:
"Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian:
"Sara."
DJ:
"Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian:
"She is gonna kill me."
DJ:
"Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian:
(laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ:
"Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian:
"She is gonna kill me."
DJ:
"Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian:
"About
DJ:
"Atta boy, Brian."
Brian:
(laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ:
"Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian:
"About 10 minutes."
DJ:
"Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if
a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian:
"Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ:
"Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at
Brian:
(laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ:
"This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian:
"Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a
couple of weeks..."
DJ:
"Uh huh..."
Brian:
"...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ:
"Atta boy, Brian."
Brian:
"On the kitchen table."
DJ:
"Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times
I've done it.
Okay folks,
I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You
listen to this."
3 minutes
of commercials follow.
DJ:
"Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch
tones.....ringing....)
Clerk:
"Kinkos."
DJ:
"Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk:
"This is Sarah."
DJ:
"Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've
been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah:
(laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ:
"Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any
answers away or you'll lose. Soooo ..... do you know the rules of 'Mate
Match'?"
Sarah:
"No."
DJ:
"Good!"
Brian:
(laughing)
Sarah:
(laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian
(laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest."
DJ:
"Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
Sarah:
(laughing) "Yes."
DJ:
"Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah:
"Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ:
"What time?"
Sarah:
"Around 8 this morning."
DJ:
"Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah:
"12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ:
"Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a
trip to
Sarah:
(laughing) "Yes."
DJ:
"Where did you have it?"
Sarah:
"OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian:
"Just tell him, honey."
DJ:
"What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah:
"Well..."
DJ: Come on
Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah:
"In the ass....."
After a
long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
HU'S ON
FIRST
By James
Sherman
(We take
you now to the Oval Office.)
George:
Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir,
I have the report here about the new leader of
George:
Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu
is the new leader of
George:
That's what I want to know.
Condi:
That's what I'm telling you.
George:
That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of
Condi: Yes.
George: I
mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The
guy in
Condi: Hu.
George: The
new leader of
Condi: